I Am Afraid That I Am Not Good Enough for My Partner. I Am Holding Him Back.

Is My Partner a Narcissist?

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Narcissism is a spectrum disorder that ranges from a low level of traits to the full-blown narcissistic personality disorder. It is normal to have some low level traits, but if a person has more and more along the spectrum it causes problems for them in relationships and parenting.

What are the key traits you see in your partner that makes you question if he or she is a narcissist?
How does this affect you?
How does this affect your relationship?
How does this affect your parenting?

This discussion is closed.

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My husband has many narcissistic traits but I'm not sure he's a full-blown narcissist. His mother is extremely narcissistic and I think he just doesn't know any other way to be.

I'm considering divorce because his angry outbursts that come without warning have recently crossed over the line into physically threatening behavior. But I'm afraid to leave him because I fear it will be like putting gasoline on the fire.

There were warning signs all along but I didn't heed them. He only talks about himself, isn't interested in hearing about other people. He is constantly complaining about petty things like people cutting him off in traffic. It's always something about how awful and entitled and nasty other people are (and, it goes unsaid, how great he is by comparison).

We have a young son who loves his dad because he takes him out to do fun stuff, feeds him junk food, never disciplines him.

Gail from S.C.

Everything is about him! We go to car shows, beach, travel when and what he wants to do. Buy cars (mustangs, trucks, motorcycles) whatever he wants.. Kids play sports it's too much money and to time consuming. I'm tired, stressed. We have been separated for 4 months and nothing seems to be changed. Still fusses about my son (his step son) bc he plays so much Baseball. It is a sport that he loves and he is great at it so I allow it. Makes him happy. While I was living with him I did what he wanted. Parenting was hard I did it all on my own, I am learning to do different now but still hard when he still harps on me everyday that its all my fault.

Jim from Teaneck, N.J.

I am startled by the author's simplistic, objectifying vilification of the 'narcissist'. When does someone with narcissistic traits suddenly become a 'narcissist'? Why does another person choose a 'narcissist' in the first place? Isn't the flip side of narcissism a sense of total worthlessness?

abused in MN from Rochester, Minn.

I find organized religion a easy conduit to justify such behavior.

KB from Humboldt, Tenn.

Everything is all about his life and what he wants. Every job he. Gets everyone is stupid and lazy except for him. He is always complaining about his life. He is shady about things and acts like a recluse says he hates people and he is better and more talented then others. Watches TV all the time and doesn't want to be bothered and has no interest in sex but claims he is normal and also angry temper if you speak to him about this being a problem throws things and then says he is sorry over and over again I tell him how he is wrong but he says everyone else is bothering him wants to be alone in his own world. Plays guitar well but needs original music and feels he deserves to be a movie star I have given up we are like room mates if the right one comes along I am disappearing because he makes drama if I tell him I am leaving.

Mrs. Donnie from Homewood, Ala.

I'm a recovering narcissistic partner (person). Thanks to "Will I Ever Be Good Enough," I was able to see the traits in my mother and more importantly, myself. I'm able to see when. I'm going narcissistic and regroup fast and apologize when I need to my husband of 23 years, children, friends, and colleagues. Thanks, Dr. McBride.

Cheryl from Tenn.

I was married for 15 years to a man who admitted to exhibiting narcissistic tendencies. He was the one who filed for divorce because "he was not getting anything out of the marriage." I stayed to protect my son. He never wanted him, took it out on me for getting "myself" pregnant, and said life would be better if son had never been born. He was abusive to me and had a sudden temper so I was afraid to leave my son alone with him. He went for full visitation and I was told there was nothing I could do to black it even though I had proof that he exposed my 9-yr. old to porno. After the divorce I tried to keep my distance from him because my counselor said he was not a safe person for me to be around. He always finds ways to inject himself into my life. He constantly stirs up trouble. He found a way to get out of his child support and then took me to court wanting $8,000 of it back. When I could not pay him, he sued me for contempt of court and asked that I be put in jail.

When we dated he treated me like a queen. That ended soon after the marriage. He was always telling me how inadequate I was. I told him numerous times that I felt like I was his "maid and whore." As long as the house was clean, dinner on time, and sex anytime he wanted, he was somewhat happy.

Jody from Lincoln, Neb.

I'm divorced 5+ years from ex-husband who was and still is a massive narcissist. Abusive verbally and emotionally. Nothing to this day was ever his fault. Been thru more women then underwaer. We have two children. He is working on marriage number 4. We are in and out of court as he doesn't want to be responsible for child support. He is very evil

Tina

The day I met my narcissist I was a strong independent woman with a large circle of friends a usher in my church and a strong relationship with my children. The day I first escaped I was a terrified self-cutting abused woman who swore no man would ever treat me that way. The second time I got away I was a PTSD drinking smoking mess. The third time I escaped I had been to jail twice with no family or friends left. I am free now and have moved away to escape.

I am still rebuilding my life, my family and my self. Each day is a struggle. When I met him I thought we would be together forever now just the scars remain. With Gods help I am slowly recovering but will never be that either woman again. The funny one in the group or the woman who fell for it all.

Naomi from None, Colo.

I have been divorced from my ex for over ten years now. At the time of marriage I had no idea that he was a narcissist. In fact I didn't even know what a narcissist was. The first stages of dating were great he was everything I thought I wanted. After our marriage I found out his true nature. He is a full blown narcissist. He has managed to use the court system to his advantage. He managed with the help of his family to get our custody agreement reveresed and become custodial parent of our two young children. He does not want them but doesn't want me to have them. He's emotionally abusive and at times physically abusive to them. I've been to court several times trying to get things changed but no one will listen! My children are suffering but the court system doesn't care about their well being. Now my daughter has been diagnosed with a very serious diesase that is life threatening with long term treatment. He is verbally abusive to her cruel and no one in the hospital environment seems to notice or care. I am concerned even more now for my children's safety at the hands of this man. The court system is not only broken it's heartless and money grubbing! I wish there were honest, caring people in the system that could help but I have yet to find any of them. All I've found is heartless money chasers who don't care!

Anma from San Jose

I was married to a narcissist and that eroded my personality. It was so abusive and damaging. And it was ways so subtle. If he would beat me - you would see marks. But there are no bruises to show from the emotional abuse one gets. I am still damaged and traumatized. I divorced two years ago and was in a really depressed bad emotional state. I didn't want to go into legal battles with him as I knew there will be no winning him in court. So I agreed to a very unfavorable settlement where he stayed with the house, completely and only pays me 400$ a month for two children we have jn shared custody. We live in an extremely expensive area. But I can't move from here to a more affordable one because I need to live close to him and his house. I pay almost double for rent for a 1br apartment than he pays for a small mortgage on his nice house. The only thing that counts in court aparently is the difference between salaries. So when I worked hard and got a salary rise recently, my child support was just reduced. And if ever a day will come where I will earn more money than him - I would have to pay him. The housing situation doesn't bother anybody. All in the meanwhile he buys the children off with expensive gifts, while I am just struggling to barely make ends meet.

Marg

I have been separated and now divorced for almost a decade and my ex continues to keep the conflict alive. My kids and I are learning we can only control ourselves, not him. We are developing our skill set which I hope will serve us all well going forward. We continue to go to court because he disregards the orders.. I represent myself now because I cannot afford legal representation.

S. David from Pittsburgh, Pa.

My experience is with someone who, at the very least exhibits strong narc traits, is a daily struggle. He is a business partner with me for better than 12 years and per an agreement with struck approx. 2 years, is no longer co-decision maker with our firm. However, he cannot be fired and is still a good overall sales contributor. Still, it's exhausting and a constant battle, as he tries his utmost to obstruct and have his things his own way.

I can't have a face to face conversation without him disagreeing angrily with me over situations that my other executives feel are rational, thought-through and in the well being of the company. He constantly lies to each and every one of us about his activities, and when on occasion I can call him out on a claim, he explodes into a rage about me "twisting his words". His behavior is often that of a petulant teenager.

It took me years to finally see him for what he is: a manipulator extraordinaire, someone who loves to grandstand and someone who is deeply insecure with himself, yet tries desperately to exude otherwise.

I feel in many ways that I've created this 'monster', in that I bent over backward to accommodate him and in giving him power that now he doesn't have but is desperately fighting to have back. Maybe this is a combo of strong narc traits and a degree of megalomania?

Dr. George Geysen from Hartford, Conn.

I am glad to see that the author points to narcissism as a personality quality existing on a spectrum. As a clinical psychologist, I routinely learn of persons using the term as synomous with all manner of human darkness. The truth is, we are all narcissistic to a degree, but it is the pathology discussed here that robs loved ones, children in particular, of pieces of their soul.

Karen from New Haven, Conn.

I was married to a narcissist for 10 years and have been divorced from him for almost 4 years. It was miserable being married to him and now it's miserable being divorced from him. I can go on forever about how abusive he was and still is is but will only touch on a few things here.

He is a financial train wreck he had no work ethic and will find every excuse to justify why he's like this. One reason of course is me. At one point he literally stopped working to pursue a modeling career as a body builder. He weighed his food, spent countless hours in the gym and left for weekends to be in shows. He would leave me and our baby home while doing this. Our daughter had a broken leg at 4 years old and as soon as we got home from the hospital he went to the gym, it was Memorial Day and he had to call area gyms to see which ones were open. So selfish.

And then would get mad at me because I didn't come along to cheer him on. He's been fired from 2 firms and he will blame everyone but himself. He was and still is verbally abusive. He had countless affairs. I can literally go on and on. How I survived that marriage is beyond me.

Now we're divorced! You would think that would be end of it. Nope he hates me. Makes co-parenting a nightmare. He has become father of the universe since being divorced. He makes up his own rules and interprets our divorce decree in in twisted mind.

Tim from Fairhope, Ala.

I was injured in Iraq and retired after fifteen years of service. My life has been torn apart. In the past year I have been arrested three times for domestic violence even after I had to call the cops for my wife kicking in the door to my apartment. I'm going through a divorce and my wife has made false claims about me. I presented evidence that my wife has been abusing me and her ex husband was in the Navy and arrested for domestic violence as well. She gets part of both of our retirements. And the guy she left me for is retiring from the Navy now. She preys on military and knows how to use the system. I have been bullied by the Escambia county's Sheriffs when I was arrested they stole money out of my wallet and even stole my zippo lighter. My wife lied under oath admitted to lying and the judge still put an ankle bracelet on me because I have PTSD. Fighting for this Country has done nothing but cause me pain. And to come home to a disgrace. The only thing worse then what has been done to me is that no one cares and they are not willing to share my story.

Judi H from Prescott, Ariz.

My son is going through a terrible divorce. The children report that the parents are fighting over them and it makes them feel really bad. It seems like there is no end in sight. My son feeds into it even tho he says he does not. She is after money of which there is not that much and it will really come out of the children's college fund.

Paula from Vancouver, Canada

WOW!! I did not receive any help. I felt like aside from some very close friends and family I was the only one who understood what I was dealing with. I was judged by friends who thought I was just another bitter woman trying to be a bitch. I have been out of the relationship for 8 years now and it is still a nightmare. I suffer from anxiety and my relationship with two of my kids was destroyed. I feel like I had to sacrifice my relationship with them in order to escape their Dad. Things are beginning to change but the pain he has caused me has been traumatizing.

P. Faro from Santa Barbra, Calif.

My stomach turns when reading the remarks of children of narcissists because my mother was one. My parents divorced when I was 12, my father left but we couldn't. As was said before it is very hard to convey how awful it is to be under the control of such a person. She poisoned every relationship including with her 2nd husband, father, brother and friends. My sister and I tried to be of help but she manulipated and lied and eventually tried to suck my children in. I could not allow that but since she was alone I tried to be there for her--she ran out of people to hate, right before she died she disinherited her children and grandchildren with no explanation. Save yourself avoid these people at all costs, you can't "help"!

Stacy from Brooklyn, N.Y.

The hardest part of being involved with a narcissist is how they change and the people around them. It is never for the better. That is why it is always better to avoid them when possible.

ABC

I was in an incredibly loving 29 year relationship until my wife passed away at age 47. 2.5 years after her death I entered into a tumultuous, exciting, addictive and quite unhealthy relationship with an attractive, active, smart professional divorced 42 year old woman. She checked all the boxes except I couldn't figure out why I was so unhappy and yet so attracted at the same time. I kept ending the relationship only to be drawn back in. I only got out permanently, after a dear friend insisted I go talk with a professional therapist She was able to see what was going on very quickly and let me know. I didn't believe her at first, but then my therapist was able to predict what this person was likely to do and to say. Holy cow, did my world view change.

Here is some of what I learned in my crash course: Highly seductive and exciting, narcissistic people are characterized by having very little real emotional capacity, but really good at faking it and being unbelievably good at exerting control, which is all important to them. I had never had any exposure to these types of people , and had always trusted my instincts about people. Having my eyes open rocked my world view.

Painful as it was, my "nar-dar" now is super sharp; I can suss out the people with very limited emotional capacity, pretty darn accurately and quickly. If you're in an unhealthy relationship now, an easy sign is that you rarely feel recharged-- you feel like you give and give.You often feel unbalanced and you may begin to question the value of the very things that are at your core. Chances are YOU have a lot of emotional capacity; that characteristic is what they count on and feed on. I asked the therapist, why does she want to be with me? Her answer; being with you makes her feel more normal-- your emotions are something she wants to feel and can't but being with you is as close as she can come to it.

People who are in relationships with narcissits need also to ask an important question; what about "me" made me so vulnerable to them? Otherwise, there's god chance that you will fall for the same type of person again, especially if you have no other role model.

In my experience dating as an adult, while truly narcissistic personality disorder may be a small percentage of the population, a tremendous number of people have emotional capacity that is quite limited. By definition half the population is below average to begin with; the percentage of people available after broken adult relationships? God know, but I'd bet its easily 70% because that's who is largely available This is not quite the same as full blow narcissism but many of the tendencies are the same. People with limited emotional capacity can actually be happy together as long as everything goes smoothly enough that hey don't need or want much emotional support from their partners. But people with large emotional capacity need to stay away from the ones with little emotional capacity. The former will always feel like they don't get what they need and the latter will always feel like they are failing to give enough.

Author Karyl McBride

It's truly amazing the posts that have come in sharing these incredible and painful stories. It was an interesting experience writing this book and learning about how much work there is to do for others to understand this disorder especially when it hits the court system.

We will be continuing this conversation about possible court reform and

the pilot project I talk about in the book. For those who have read that far, I would love your thoughts on that as well.

We would also love to have you join us on Facebook where we will continue the discussion with recovery tips and support.

Best to you all! It warms my heart to see all the dear friends of children here.

Sara from St. Louis, Mo.

The drama children of a narcissistic parent deal with can not be overstated. My father was undiagnosed NPD. His example as a father and person was the worse kind of role model. Children learn by watching and doing and my father has pretty much ruined us in surprising and not so surprising ways. My mother was the complete opposite and as most spouses of narcissists know she suffered physically, and emotionally until she dumped him. The children he favored grew up to be narcissists or have narcissistic behaviors themselves. The ones he didn't like struggle with poor self images. Everyone is affected. There are six of us in total and at least 2 have followed in his footsteps and the saddest part is that they readily acknowledge that our father was a narcissist without being able to see it in themselves. I feel for their kids. They are tyrants!

Life with my father was always filled with drama. There was always something to go crazy about even with the very smallest of problems. He never seemed to be able to sit still--he had no peace. He either presented himself as a savior or victim. He believed it was his job to be judge and executioner. Compassion and mercy were behaviors he was incapable of showing. He never said he loved his family. I think it never occurred to him. Putting his family first was impossible for him because that would require him not to put his own needs and desire before ours.

Families with a person with NPD are usually fragmented. The children are the hardest hit as they try to get what they need when they feel it isn't coming from that one person they look to for security--their parent. I can't describe the terror I felt when my father was around. I never liked, relied or trusted him--ever. His narcissistic behavior didn't come across as self absorption but as hatred towards us.

It has been a really, really long time since I last spoke to him but the effects are long lasting. No contact is the best a non NPD parent can do for their children and the worst is exposure.

When my mom divorced my dad I realized there are two kinds of suffering: the first is the kind one has living with a narcissist and the second is when trying to rid yourself of one. The latter is so much better because without them there are moments of sanity and peace.

Jane s from Cleveland, Ohio

I don't understand how a person becomes a narcissist.

My father was a narcissist with all the charm and rejection of anyone who did not look, behave, see the world as he did. His sister believes his personality was mostly formed by his mother's doting attention. I know he did not have a good relationship with his father. I know there was no abuse.

I currently am raising my 16 year old son with my partner, his biological mother She cannot say no to my son. Ever.

I have the great majority of expectations, basic chores. He is generally a good kid but "plays" us, asks her for everything if there is any chance I will say "no." This includes money, staying out late, endless rides, gifts.

I worry he will treat women the way he treats her.

I no longer hope that she can see this as damaging to him, do not believe she will change. Any thoughts about how I should try to help him?

TLV from Riverside, Calif.

I was married for 18 years to a narcissist sex addict. While birthing our only child a few years after we got married, it left me partially paralyzed. His narcissism showed up shortly after the birth, as he would leave me alone in the house with a newborn and my 5 yr old from a previous marriage with no help for weeks on end. It is amazing how all three of us survived those years. I thank God EVERY DAY for the strength to divorce this evil being. The three of us are healing but we will never be the same. My son has no contact with his father as he remarried 6 days after our divorce and my son decided he'd had enough of his father's evil ways. I haven't seen or spoken to my ex since I threw him out as he never showed up to court for the divorce hearing and the judge granted me everything I'd ask for in the proceedings. My daughter is scarred forever from the abuse as we all are and it is my greatest hope each and every day that we continue to heal. EVERY DAY without the narcissist is a peaceful and loving one. Thank you, God!

Ariel from Boston, Mass.

I hear about everyone's horrible experiences, and feel terrible that they have gone through that. With that in mind, are there any suggestions for me when going through a divorce (no children)? My husband is refusing to cooperate in granting a divorce. His lawyer does not engage with my lawyer, perhaps under instruction from my husband. I am at a loss as to moving forward. Are there any suggestions from people who have gone through similar situations?

Anna from Eatonton, Ga.

This is a fascinating series. I was involved with a narcissist in my early twenties - a childhood crush, the brother of my best friend growing up. I didn't know what hit me (pardon the pun). I was lucky that he DID hit me. I called a domestic abuse hotline and the woman I spoke with told me "be thankful for your bruise; it is proof of what he did to you." Denial is such a strong defense mechanism. The way I finally left was imagining him throwing our (future) children against a wall. I couldn't protect myself, but I could imagine protecting the children we never had (thank goodness).

Barbara K from Saint Petersburg, Fla.

From a daughter's perspective there is no escape from the ravenous manipulations of a mother with full blown self serving madness masquerading as normalcy. Narcissism of the madness type, attempts to emotionally destroy the other for their own purpose. Morality, fairness, and compassion don't exist. Children are lost for help; eventually they either succumb, emotionally break, or go off to find a new way. While the narcissist is happy to continue plotting their next move totally unconcerned about the well being of anyone; but, themselves.

Jim from Cleveland, Ohio

I am glad to be divorced after nine years as I was married to a narcissist.

Luckily, we had no children. I think this was a blessing in disguise. Having read articles on narcissism, and having one on one counseling sessions with my therapist, made me realize than I am better off a single man. Her behavior was normal at the beginning, then after we married, her true colors starting to come thru; withdrawn, lack of empathy, no boundaries, subtly verbally abusive, to name a few. I believe people with this disorder (although I like to think it's mental illness), are truly insecure cowards who have never accepted themselves as they are. What a shame. Looking back at this experience made me a stronger person and has made me appreciate a great relationship, which I have now. The irony is that my new girlfriend was also married to a narcissist who was cheating on her for years , and was caught lie after lie, and still denied any involvement with anyone else. Turns out all his "business" trips weren't all business!

Needless to say, we have a lot in common. I'm extremely happy to have entered into a new chapter in my life.

MLC from Pine Plains

I divorced one. He walked away with 10 years of my hard-earned savings then couldn't figure out why I didn't want to be "friends." The final years were unbearable. When I sought refuge in the guest room, he would barge in 6, 7 or 8 times a night screaming at me - and those outbursts were always my fault. The day my father died, he left me to see a cousin who was visiting from out of town. He had every therapist hoodwinked with his "deep feelings" and the "hurt little boy within." I've spent the last 2 years basking in quiet and coming to the frightening realization of just how sick that world was.

Anita

Dealing with a high IQ bipolar narcissist was a nightmare. Add to that every manner of illness including grand mal seizures that came on whenever he was stressed made dealing with him impossible. When the children were born he felt displaced since he was no longer the center of attention. His emotional abuse and manipulation were hard enough on me, but his taunting, teasing, and belittling the children was more than I could bear. I knew divorcing him would be miserable and I waited far too long, but luckily he got himself into enough legal drama to be put away for a dozen years for fraud.

Now he looks for pity at his plight, selecting one daughter to carry on my tradition of emotional slavery while he manages to alienate the other two as they have not showed the same degree of concern.

It will take years for them to undo the damage he has caused.

Kevin from Aberdeen, United Kingdom

This article has been a revelation; my partner has been trying to divorce her husband for two years. Despite a court order requiring the sale of the family home and business assets and the split of the remains equally ( more or less ; the husband who appears incapable of working gets half her pension... He has none) he refuses to sign paperwork and is obstructing every possible move towards settlement. He has poisoned the son's relationship with his mother and has openly declared his intent to financially destroy her. There seems to be no negotiating with him; he is determined to have his own way despite the court order, he challenges everything, is openly abusive and threatening towards his wife and is now on his fourth set of lawyers who like he previous three seem incapable of recognizing him for what he is. For two years he has lived rent free in the family house (his wife had to get out and rented) he purports to be a builder yet the place is in decay. He is sad sick man.

PD from PORT ANGELES, Wash.

I didn't realize the ugly web I was trapped in until my daughter was born. My highly narcissistic ex-wife began acting in ways that made it clear she felt our daughter was hers, and I was just the father. A possession. There was more going on than NPD—I found out that my ex was a victim of child sexual abuse by her father. Just before we separated, she said to me, "I know you love A (our daughter) but I have a soul relationship with her that began before she was conceived."

Well what do you say to that?! I loved my daughter more than life itself (and still do) and made the commitment to stay in her life.

The custody fight was terrible but I fought for and got 50-50 custody (little did I know I would pay for that later), and 7 years later she started a full-scale vicious war to alienate my daughter from me when she was 14 , and it worked. I haven't spoken to my kid for almost 3 years—I'm heartbroken. A psychiatrist friend—he's married to my ex's former best friend—alerted me to my ex's NPD. He said, "They can be oh so charming in the seduction phase. You never want to work for or be married to anyone with narcissistic personality disorder, though. When scorned or shamed, they take no prisoners." All I can say is get pre-marital counseling, read about NPD, and if you suspect it ... RUN AWAY.

Viv

My brother, a narcissist, just got engaged. He's been married before and it did not end well. I feel culpable, like I should say or do something.. But I also know that it might be resented and not believed.

C Holden from Puerto Vallarta, Mexico

I have paid a terrible price for marrying this man. My crime, was I did not give him the son he wanted. He said "you and the girls mean nothing to me; without a son, I am incomplete." The divorce took 7 years, 3 weeks in court, two appeals to the state Court of Appeals and one decision by the State Supreme Court. The Minister of our church and three of my girls friends testified I was unfit as a mother. All of these people received large financial payoffs for their lies. My x tried to have me killed twice. Eventually I left the country, with his agreement that I could take the two children who remained at home, until just two hours before departure, and then he had a court order to assume full custody which he obtained without any hearing (again buying the judge).

Today, my two older children, both adults and successful do not have contact with me. He has told them I was a cocaine addict. The truth is well documented, and witnessed by a few friends. I live in hope that someday, my children will be free of his influence and wealth. My life was shattered and it took years to restore my balance and sense of self.

Anon

I'm stunned to see the response of this and the original article. So many of us suffering in a silence created by the monsters in our homes. I don't have spouse issues but realize now there is indeed a spectrum and that I grew up with three different types of narcissist (all three entirely self-involved): a manipulative, neglectful father who showed his best face to the world; a grandiose, bullying brother without an ounce of empathy or ability to relate; and an aunt who I was forced into close contact with and who looks now to have had overlapping narcissist and borderline personality disorder (a truly terrible woman). I'm gleeful to report I'm free of them all! This subject really needs to be opened up so that children and young people can learn what is acceptable and unacceptable behavior in friends, dating partners, and coworkers, so they won't be marrying them at all. I knew I was being brought up by "crazy" people but nobody else seemed to realize it. That absence of validation/recognition from outside my own head was extremely painful. I'm so glad this subject is being opened up. I'm now teaching my own kids about these people and hope they won't fall into intimate relationships with them.

GC from McLean, Va.

There is usually 'no' real relationship. There's only catering to their needs, demands, and responding to their outbursts. There is little time left for having a relationship, dialogue, etc. They decide what is 'real' - and from then on..there is no need for discussion in their minds.

ThriverSurvivor

Being married to a narcissist was wonderful at first, when I was swept into his beautiful and exciting orbit. He had turned his attentions to me. Later, his son and I were too much to bother with, too distracting from his self-focus. When his daughter, who is a sociopath, came to live with us, life became unbearably difficult. Being abused by him for a decade and the divorce that resulted was harder than anything I have gone through. I was isolated, traumatized, terrified, suicidal. And from his perspective, it was all my fault. I am learning to heal and it is slow and fraught. But I look at my son, now 9, who is beginning to thrive now that he is out of his father's and sister's zones of terror. It will take a lifetime to undo this, but our freedom is worth the thousands of dollars, the agony, and the fear of divorcing him. I am grateful that I was supported (mostly) by my family and friends, who had urged me for years to leave.

Now, I must rebuild my sense of self-worth, which was decimated by this man for so long. And the guilt I feel...that is a horrible legacy of living with, and leaving, a narcissist.

Anonymous from N.C.

Our daughter is divorced from a classic narcissist and they have a parent coordinator who has an excellent reputation, both as a PC and as a psychologist. In many respects, he has been helpful over the past several years but we were surprised and disappointed, early on, over a couple of decisions he made regarding our grandson, one of which was: This 7 year-old child was having a difficult time going to his dad's for visitation and was locking himself in his room when his father came for him, refusing to come out. It was traumatic - the father blamed the mother who did her best to encourage her child and to find out why he was so reluctant to go. The PC was called on for help.

After hearing the problem, he commented that the child was being a brat and his solution was to tell this young boy he had to go and if he resisted, it would mean he would have to spend even more time with his dad than the Agreement called for. It worked insofar as he no longer barricaded himself in his room -- but the PC never spoke to this child about WHY he was so reluctant to go with his father. To this day, we don't know the reasons. The child is approaching his teen years and still doesn't have a good relationship with his dad who, like so many other narcissists, uses his son as a pawn.

Feeling Empowered from Fla.

I was married to an identical twin. Both my ex and his twin are narcissists and both have explosive personality disorder. He had seduced/charmed me before I knew what had happened. It was only two months after we got married that the episodes of rage started and continued every 6-8 weeks during our 12 year marriage. We did not have one family vacation without an episode of rage. It was frightening to see the transformation. He was Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde. His opinion was the only opinion that mattered, everyone else had an "incorrect opinion." He was always right and it was NEVER his fault. He had no sympathy for illness.

Anything could set him off. A mug not washed, a light left on, being 5 mins late. The punishments never fit the crime. He would pour cold water on or bang pots and pans to wake the offender up at 5 in the morning. He would disconnect the ether net cord (pre wifi) and take it to work so none of us could get work done. It became the norm to do whatever it took not to trigger his rage.

We were all walking on egg shells. The final straw was when I was painting my sons room and my ex came in, yelled at me, grabbed the paint brush from my hand and shoved me into the wall. It was the first time that I feared for my safety. My oldest daughter heard the yelling and came running upstairs. She tried calling the police but my ex shoved her into the wall and ripped the phone out of her hands and the wall.

Both my daughters told him that they dreamt he was going to kill me while they were at school or that he was going to kill us all in our sleep. He just stood there and laughed.

People always ask why I didn't leave sooner. Once you are under the spell of a narcissist, it is hard to leave. They drain you of all your emotional and physical energy. It becomes a matter of survival. It has been 5 years since I left. He is engaged to another woman but told my son recently that he is never going away. No contact, no contact, no contact!

Kelly foxx from Syracuse

I got to divorce a narcissist who is a divorce attorney...who married a divorce attorney who is the most narcissistic demonic person I have ever known. I have not been left alone for 8 years. I finally stood my ground and they have backed down. They will not take their claws off once they get hold of you.not responding even once has helped they can't get to me if I don't engage. And never trust being nice it is a ploy to get something they want. It's exhausting and I have held off getting on with my life while I navigate dealing with them and raise our 3 kids.

Truly is an illness and I see that a narcissist never gets help the victim does. They have no idea and obviously don't care even if they do.

Annie T. from N.J.

I divorced one! He still has not moved on and when everything stopped involving or revolving around him, his temper became worse! I have so much proof that if the writer would ever like to see my files, please let me know.

He still tries to turn things around. He was cheating on the kids, calling hookers, but told his family I was the one cheating when he was. I have the phone records to prove it.

They get 10x worse when you divorce them. Get all in order before you do. All your proof, they blow their top!

Laurel from Md.

Married and had one child with a NPD. Did not figure out where the rages, the lack of support and the constant accusations came from until years had passed and a threat to the family's unity forced me to check and made me discover the extent of his long going lies and serial infidelities. Left him shortly afterwards and managed to have him sign a voluntary custody agreement (where he looks good) and to get a divorce, but he is still actioning me in court nonetheless. He will never let go and uses the court system as a boxing ring (with no regards to the harm this does to our child). After significant legal expenses and after realizing that he was really only using litigation to get to me, best move I made was to represent myself.

Besides his image, the only other thing that gets a narcissist to react is his pocket book. Every legal move I now make costs me little, but costs him tons. Get a narcissist to pay and he/she will run the other way. My sympathy and best wishes to you all. This is truly one of the hardest and loneliest fights to fight, with no end in sight. I feel the pain, but hold onto the light. You have integrity, empathy and decency, and no one can't take that away from you!

Jan from Vancouver, Canada

I just separated from my boyfriend after four years of manipulation and psychological abuse. I would have no contact with him except that we have a 2 year old together. He insisted on us splitting parenting time 50/50 to prove he loves our son but he is now psychologically abusing our son as a means to punish me.

Everything I've read says there's nothing I can do about this. My lawyer says we can spend a lot of money trying to fight my ex but that likely not much will change. Will this book give me advice on what to do legally?

Also, the only reason I even know about narcissism as a disorder is because he accused me of being one (and a drunk and irresponsible mother.) My friends and family all agree that his accusations are laughable and that he is the one who is clearly the narcissist.

Sad from Jacksonville, Fla.

My son married a narcissist. My husband told hom he was making the biggest mistake of his life if he married her. Having known her only 8 weeks , he brought her home to meet us. We didn't know about the term NPD but we knew we didn't care for her. She turned every conversation back to herself. They were married within a year, and became pregnant immediately. She has been fired from every position she had but it was always their fault. She would not allow our son to talk to us unless the phone was on speaker. There are many more stories but the gist of it is, he had an affair and she threatened to divorce him. It was his way out.

The divorce is taking a year and a half. She managed to tell his commanding officer (he was a well regarded Lt. in the Navy) that she was afraid of him and that he was unstable. He was released from the Navy, and she became furious that he took a paycut in his new job. She moved back in with her parents. We have to ask for FaceTime with our grandson and she occasionally allows it.

We have our son back in our lives but are missing out on the joys of grandparenting.

Cat from Los Vegas, Nev.

If you are the victim of a narcissist know that if you have something on him that he doesn't want others to know, that you would happily spread it about town if he alienates you from your kids or interferes in your life in any way. He might head for the hills. Narcissists have serious mommy problems and so aren't real fond of women anyway.

Ellen from Newport Beach, Calif.

My husband of 22 years was a classic case. I tried to divorce him at year 17 because of the toxic household environment and he talked me out of it. Five years later things got worse with the children and I did it. He didn't go quietly. Court orders, etc. He used the children by brainwashing them to believe that I, the mother, had destroyed the family. It took years before my children, of whom I had custody, understood the truth.

As I say to my grown children now, in their 20s and 30 s, "I had to cut out the cancer that was eating away at the family." 15 years post divorce, he sees his children when he feels like it. .about once a year.

Cindy from Madison, Wis.

No spouse issues here but a 'partner' in managing my elderly mother's life, my oldest sister, is a full blown narcissist with vindictive tendencies on top of being bi-polar. She has the need to appear godlike and omnipotent and trusts no one other than her religious fanatic husband and her own children. For years another high-achieving sibling (closest to the narcissist in age) was subject to her unrelenting criticism. Now we all struggle because my mother is 94 and requires 24/7 sitter care. My sister feels she is the only one who can address my mother's needs, though she has to direct others on how to do so. Unfortunately she is crazy and even has put my mother in harm's way by ignoring physician directives etc. as she knows best!

Managing this and dealing with my sister's false perceptions along with unreasonable and unrealistic demands has drained us all. Unfortunately we can't divorce her.

Reading this article helps in managing this albatross who doesn't hang around our necks but burrows deep under our skin.

Kaye B from Gadsden, Ala.

My narcissist ex husband was way ahead of me before I ever filed for divorce. He had started an affair, he had set up his next life, all the while making me believe that we were "alright". When I finally learned of his betrayal, and filed for divorce, he had arranged our financial assets in such a way that I way literally on the streets. My attorney was at a loss and could not find a way to save my situation. If I had not been the one to take legal action first, his "face" would have been saved, and I probably would have faired much better. However, I could not sit back and wait for him to give our assets to another woman (which he was slowly putting those in her name) and live with the pain of his deception any longer. Once the divorce was final, he continued to find ways to spew his hatred in ways that were childish and completely unfounded. Not our first marriage, our children were from separate marriages, he found a way to completely cut me off from his family, grandchildren that I had considered mine since their birth.

The only thing different I could have done was to wait for him to file the divorce, rather than taking that power away from him, but the results would have been the same - complete financial and emotional abuse. There is no good way to leave a narcissist. He will win everytime.

Paul T. from Chicago, Ill.

My partner of several years and I get along well and travel extremely well. However, our approaches to and experiences in life have been exceptionally different. Sexually, she is not very satisfying. As a result I have had an amazingly stimulating and fulfilling personal and sexual relationship with someone else. Not appropriate, but that's the road I followed. Hence, I have been accused of being narcissistic.

I understand the response. That said, having never had a satisfying sexual relationship in my life (I am now 65.), I feel complete. I should have left my partner for "Athens other woman," but I don't want others to think I'm always moving on. It's hard for friends to relate to someone who always has someone new in their life. I do not believe I am narcissistic, but feel I finally have had some true sexual fulfillment. I know it's been inappropriate, but I at least feel human.

josephine E from South Deerfield, United States Minor Outlying Islands

I was very drawn to my partner's personality and we decided to marry and have a child. I made the mistake of not dating for long; as we both seemed to want a child and I had a small window of time given my age.

Once the child was born; he immediately announced that he had decided not to continue working as it would interfere with his art and that pretty much opened the door to emotional and financial conflict that only grew worse. He tried taking over my home and ordering me about and finally when I caught him using drugs in our home with an 18th month old upstairs, I threw him out. Thus by began a long and ugly divorce in which he used any means possible to destroy me and use our son as a pawn. I finally, after going through five lawyers found the right attorney and he nailed L. for what he was and after 11 years I finally received child support and custody of our child.

Today our son has very little to do with him and feels he is "just a burden" to be around. My son and I both survived and are doing well but I will never forgive or forget this nightmere.

Kathy Marshack from Portland, Ore.

I divorced a divorce attorney 11 years ago and he still tries to harm me. He was so successful in convincing friends, neighbors and government officials that I am dangerous and crazy that I was arrested three times. Plus city officials tried to take away both my business and professional license which would have left me without income. He effectively alienated both of my children who are now grown.

I discovered that he supported another narcissist, the city prosecutor who wrote a secret report about me claiming that I had a diagnosis of sociopath. This report was used to try to crush my psychology practice. My only protection against this man was to sue the city and the neighbors who kept filing false police reports.

I lost my children, but I won every legal action, eventually collecting $250,000 in settlement (which all went to legal costs). And I was acquitted of all charges ever brought against me. I refuse to be crushed by this horrible experience, but I grieve daily that my children (one of whom is autistic) have succumbed to his manipulations. They tell people I am dangerous and crazy too.

Sarah from Cincinnati, Ohio

Past experience has taught me I will never be free until the man is dead, even after 25 years being divorced. He told my grandson I didn't want to be with my grandson when I really did not want to be in his grandfather's presence and be subject to his continuing anger about why we divorced and ruined "the family."

I get angry sometimes because it has affected my long term relationships with my adult children and there can rarely be a joint gathering without the adult kids wondering what might happen. And, it is, and always will be, about him.

Lars-Peter from Aalborg, Denmark

Taboo topic indeed, I am from Denmark, I am about to move to another apartment, after being in a relationship with an narcissist for 1 and half years. I almost destroyed my life and my identity as a person. Her family, whom are addicted to drugs and alcohol has been attacking me in different ways, because I have been fighting for the best for my three boys, two of my ex girlfriends boys and my son.

It's hard, and stressful psychologically.

Fu Man Chu, M.D. from Sometimes-Seaside, Ore.

And then, there is the hell of divorcing a psychopath. Not all narcissists are psychopaths, but all psychopaths are narcissists. Psychopaths are a different species, people who literally do not have a conscience, and who use words as instruments for deception and vengeance, not as vehicles for true expression and connecting honestly. The tricks of these "people" defy what even moderately narcissistic people would consider using.

One of the most maddening aspects of these "people," is that what sets a true sociopath apart, is not just the audacity of how far they will stretch the truth to shatter into expedient lies, but of how well they have honed their craft of hiding their actions. Psychopaths usually portray themselves as the exact opposite of the the kind of people they truly are while exploiting their victims such that others are coerced to believe that the victims harmed the sociopath. I somehow endured this for 15 years before I caught on, and was able to save what was left of my myself and my kids's lives.

I could never have done it without the couple dozen books on this topic. Find these books, read them, and learn more about your sociopath's (a narcissist) mind than he/she knows about it themselves. It can be done. It was the hardest thing I have ever experienced - breaking free of the most severe type os narcissist - a psychopath/sociopath. Google the terms and learn as if your life depended on it. Because it does!

Ann from Sydney, Australia

Twelve years ago my narcissistic husband confessed to a 18 month affair in which the young woman became so distressed she stopped taking her diabetic medicine and died. He had left her and then rung back.

She'd said she was ill and he told her to ring an ambulance. She died that night. There was a coronial inquiry. His number was all over her phone. I was shocked. I had convinced myself he was perfect. But in hindsight he was such a gestural person, performing as the all round nice guy but he never complimented me. He made love to me as if he was making love to himself. He went down on his knees after the woman died. After the police reports and so on he confessed to four other liaisons and begged me to stay. He would spend the rest of his life making it up to me.

Afterwards I asked him if he ever thought about the woman. He said no. Yet I thought about her all the time, thinking that if she had rung me when she was so sick, I would have rung the ambulance and come over. When I asked him how she looked, he told me I had nicer hair and she had orange lipstick that he didn't like very much. He said he'd pretended he was a big business man. So she was an audience. There were other weird things too. Once I undertook a hypnotic therapy session in which I spent time searching for guidance on how to be good. He undertook the same session and ended up masturbating in front of the therapist.

These things made me cringe, and yet I kept making excuses for his behavior. He rarely came home and if I made a point of this, he told me I was emotionally needy. More recently my daughter from a short first marriage died. My husband had helped in her care but again in a way that was so loud. People had to know what he was doing. He left in the lead up to her death. He'd found another woman but lied again. He insisted on attending my daughter's funeral, said he'd kick the door down. I have found since there were more affairs after his promise to make it up to me.

And now he is gone and nothing clear about the divorce but I sense he is nervous that people will think he is bad so I'm walking a tightrope using that need of his to be seen as a good man. But I did get him into a relationships meeting and suddenly all of the ugly hostility came out. It's so horrifying. I've lived with this man for 37 years. I'm only beginning to realize how much damage it's done to my sense of self. But I will recover. I have the backing of a family who love me. I have parents who loved me too. I want to show my strength to my boys.

J. L. TheatreArts from Bangalore, India

I worked with an extremely narcissistic person and it was hell. The 'switch' you talk about - from nice to mean in an instant - happened with her, where she swore and cursed, alleged everyone around her was being unfair to her.

When she first came on board she had horror stories of her previous workplace and boss and we all sympathized - ''what horrible people!' Because of her we are now very careful of the people I hire, and in a way our experience with her was good, in that we can catch the traits early.

Bernie from san jose, Calif.

I just saw "war of thé Roses", a movie about a couple gong through a divorcé. The husband was a textbook case of a narcissist. See it if you can.

Marissa from Sacramento, Calif.

I knew when I divorced my narcissistic ex three years ago I made a mistake settling for less. His threats of going on disability scared me. When I started a serious relationship with a loving man who showered my kids and I with gifts, he unraveled. He's alienated my ADHD son and filed a false CPS claim on me. He's also called me a drug addict since I take pain meds once in a while due to spinal injury. I'm fighting back filing six contempts this week because unless you become the aggressor they will torture you til their last breathe. I just hope the system can see his mental disorder.

lynn from houston

I found this book at my local library several months ago and I can truly say it is a Godsend. I divorced a narcissist a year ago. We were married for 20 years. At the end of the marriage I was physically ill. He said he was done with me and moved in with my best friend. I filed for divorce the next day and it has been hell ever since...but it was hell before, I just was in complete denial.

Now I see him for who he is and I am doing my best to help my kids through the emotional abuse he shovels on to them. The gift in all of this is that I am getting healthy and strong and I am a better mother than I ever have been. This book has been a super guide on how to help your children and how to let things go that you can't fix. I am coming to terms with the fact that my kids will never have the dad I dreamed they would have. But, they did get one hell of a mother, so I can be happy about that!

Anonymous from Miami, Fla.

OMG! You are describing my situation! My divorce took 10 years. Now I am trying to change my support situation which has taken already 3 years. She has turned the children (now grown) into pawns and has twisted everything to her favor. She said I was the narcissist but I hardly am. I try to be positive and like to look good but I hardly think that is narcism. Thank you for bringing this to light. And no I do not think I will ever be rid of her.

Carol from Chicago, Ill.

I suffered through this. Nothing was lonelier than being married to this charmer who was a braggadocio and spent his nights and weekends seeking out affirmation from acquaintances (he had no friends) that he was a model husband and father. My three-year divorce odyssey while painful financially in hindsight was worth every penny.

confused from Bridgeton, Mo.

I am always blamed by my husband in this divorce. I try to get him to feel what I am and he is always a victim. Yet I have been physically abused verbally and emotionally. Why does the narcissist idolize their mothers?

Gretchen

My kids and I barely survived divorce from a narcissist, who later married a narcissist (that was rocky!). They tried 3 times to get custody because they were sure child support was unjustified. See the turning point, below, after years of tumult. Imagine my ex thinking he could get custody when he hadn't bothered to see the children or pay child support for more than a year! Fast talking with the court, a good (false) story, and a clever attorney did all that. There were two sets of psych evaluations for the children, lots of therapists, almost $30,000 legal fees for me over 2 years. Finally the judge got the picture, and ordered that my ex pay my legal fees (something almost never required here). Meanwhile I slept with a hammer under my bed, knowing my ex's wish to retaliate. I'd have gotten a gun, but knew statistics about guns at home.

The turning point? I knew that my winning these court cases would accelerate his sense of injustice and the dangers. I asked my lawyer to bargain a settlement: no legal fee payment in exchange for a binding agreement to have the court social worker and a referee determine all future disputes. No more attorneys. We disguised the deal to make it sound like the idea came from my ex's attorney. I was broke and this was hard. But it worked. The children had further crises, but things slowly settled with the help of many good people.

Marina B from SCARSDALE, N.Y.

Key traits: I am his ex wife: when we were married, nothing I did was right, or good enough. He could not enjoy our time together or the time with our children. He told me constantly I was not a good enough mother, wife, daughter. He isolated me from my parents and other family.

VMG from New York, N.Y.

I was married to a narcissist who was also an alcoholic. He was a conglomerate of people he aspired to be but he was not a real person. He literally made himself up and played the part. I was naïve and I fell for it. My divorce took 4 years and I had to cope with raising my children , who were very young at the time, and live through a horrific divorce. He is now single after another failed marriage and several failed relationships, he is still blaming me for his unhappiness. I made many sacrifices but I was able to regain a career and become my own person again. I only regret is that my children will never have a real loving relationship with their father. Their relationship is superficial since he completely egocentric. As for me, success really is the best form of revenge.

chippy from New York, N.Y.

I'm in the same boat. It's awful. I've come to grips with the fact that this person will never, ever change. The two components that haunt me are:

A. How is our legal system so broken

B. How do I ensure my sweet girls never end up like him?

I can't change what's happened, but I want to be sure I am well-equipped to deal with the certain roadblocks I will meet in the future. I feel as though I've become a detective; trying to predict every manipulative move of his before he makes it, so I don't end up in a more compromising situation than I'm already in. What's the secret to dealing with these absolutely confounding individuals?

Diana Senechal from New York, N.Y.

I would caution against informal and rushed diagnoses. It is tempting to see narcissism as the explanation of a pressing problem--but it may not be the correct or full explanation. There's a big difference between having narcissistic traits (even many of them) and *being* a narcissist.

I have some narcissistic traits, but I don't lack empathy or self-awareness. I have known people with strong narcissistic tendencies, but I would not automatically classify them as narcissists. I read the descriptions of "narcissists" in the comments and am struck by the differences among them. It's tempting to think: "Wow! Now I understand what's going on!" But in all likelihood, at any point, we understand only part.

Of course this does not mean that anyone should stay in an abusive relationship. It is possible to leave, though, without diagnosing it completely.

Diagnoses have great value, but they must be conducted thoughtfully and cautiously. An inappropriate label can do great damage not only to the one being diagnosed, but to many others.

People are complex. They are mixtures of things. Yes, it's important to identify and deal with real psychological problems, but it's possible to do that without speed-packaging. It is possible to be strong and to take necessary action while living with uncertainty.

Family Law Attorney from Denver, Colo.

For those wondering why the court systems often refer couples in domestic relations litigation out to mediation or other forms of ADR (alternative dispute resolution), it is generally done with all best intentions of attempting to allow couples, and when represented, their counsel, to work in a less adversarial environment which, when successful, often leads to less combative, less expensive, and less harmful to the children breakups. Doing so is also intended to free up court docket time and lessen the unbelievable strain presently confronting the legal system. When not successful, of course, it often seems to have been done solely for the purpose of increasing expenses and creating further monetary and time burdens on the parties to the case. Yes, it is often difficult for the court to assess, in advance, the likelihood of success, but if not tried.... Similarly, neither the court nor the mediator knows of the personalities involved in advance (except in those circumstances involving protection/restraining orders and/or criminal actions) and all typically endeavor to try to give each party and each side an initial benefit of the doubt. For those feeling as if the court system only listens to the other side (it's always the other side, isn't it?), remember, even in state family courts, the United States Constitution requires due process and each state has its own rules of civil procedure by which cases proceed. Interstate and international cases of child custody and child abductions provide many additional issues, often involving individuals with NPD.

Stuart

I was married to what I know is a narcissist. Utterly horrible divorce and the kids are incredibly beholden to her. One therapist I saw called what she's doing is parent alienation.

KM from Gra, Colo.

I divorced my narcissist (possibly sociopath) ex husband almost 3 years ago. He has been remarried for about 6 months, lives in a different town, and he is still harassing me once in awhile. Mine is a classic tale of whirlwind romance, then the frightening realization of the fact that the man I married was not the same person I thought I knew. Advice: Date for at least two years before you even talk about marriage with someone!

Anonymous from Denver, Colo.

I am one of the few who was fortunate to see Dr. McBride as a private patient. She sometimes gives weekend seminars to help people crystallize her observations and move forward. I encourage those interested to contact her about attending one.

Dee S. from Tenn.

My son married a narcissistic woman. She quickly became pregnant and uses my grandson as a pawn. She gave my son an ultimatum, your family or me. He chose her because he knew she'd limit visitation with his son. My son will not have anything to do with his family and doesn't even know his grandparents have passed. I keep praying, he will eventually see the light and get out of the controlling marriage.

DiannaB from Cleveland heights, Ohio

I grew up with a narcissist mother. She was very seductive, even with other family members. No one could see why I could be unhappy in our family and as a result I turned against myself and thought it was truly me. For me and my brother it was hell however she "loved" my sister. She was neglectful and emotionally and mentally manipulative. I ended up marrying and now divorcing a narcissist husband. It was a hard way of finally becoming aware of what was going on.

I am currently no-contact with my mother and have been healing from that relationship. Because I have a daughter I unfortunately have contact with my ex. I am a strong mother though because I give my daughter the tools she needs to deal with her dad issues. He is not as bad with her as he was with me. But I still find it challenging dealing with him. He leverages things and is controlling. I have strong boundaries but boy is it tough.

Dee S. from Tenn.

My son married a narcissistic woman. She quickly became pregnant and uses my grandson as a pawn. She gave my son an ultimatum, your family or me. He chose her because he knew she'd limit visitation with his son. My son will not have anything to do with his family and doesn't even know his grandparents have passed. I keep praying, he will eventually see the light and get out of the controlling marriage.

Sam from San Jose, Calif.

My mother sent me this article because of my father. As I grew up I had no idea what my mother was going through. Now that I have grown up with a narcissistic father there is no way to explain the turmoil he has caused in our lives. It took my parents over 10 years to divorce. The things that my narcissistic father does, get no recognition, he is plastered as a good man and anyone that would question that definitely do not receive any sort of sympathy, not just from them but from everybody else who don't understand who they are dealing with. Narcissists go unrecognized because they overcompensate and are creating a facade to keep people enticed by their "charm." I wish that the court system would apologize to my mother for watching her children be manipulated and forever in debt to their father for his own careless and truly disrespectful behavior. He definitely tried to portray my mother as a bad mother its been really tough. I wish everyone would recognize the big problem of narcissism. People that have dealt with these cases need to find a way to separate the cases with a better description of this mental illness in family court. Nobody needs a narcissist in their lives, they should have done something for my siblings and I, if my father could address his issue in anyway THAT would be a step forward! But he just keeps doing the same things over and over again.

LK from Wash.

I had four children with a narcissist and didn't realize the coping behaviors I was falling into until he used them against me to get custody of our children 80% of the time. He has manipulated our oldest two children into not talking to me and I feel sad that they feel the need to take sides because I'm the "bad" parent. Doesn't help that he has the Mormon church on his side either.

WW from W.Blfd, Mich.

After 37 years, I am recently divorced from a narcissist who was diagnosed as bipolar and used drugs and alcohol to self medicate. I could do nothing right. The mental and emotional abuse was stunning and what's more I STAYED! One day I woke up and realized it was NOT okay to be treated this way but the divorce was nasty in spite of my pleas to end it peacefully. And yes, $100,000 of legal bills later and climbing because he won't let it go. He just wants to crush and destroy me. The best revenge is being happy - I am and he never will be

Danielle from New York, N.Y.

I wish the next part in this series would be, dealing with a narcissistic parent, because, they really do cause harm. It's only until you're an adult and notice that you have a strained, difficult for-no-reason relationship with your mother, when you've never done anything harmful to her (no stealing, no abuse, just normal day to day teenage and childish things). At first it just seems like a "controlling" person, until you move out, or find a boyfriend, or spend time with friends.. or generally just live a happy life. The parent (mother in my case) wants no parts of it. Gifts are usually cheap, or not givem for some reason or another (conveniently punished, oh - I don't have money (but makes thousands of dollars a year and owns multiple properties). Anything you're given, is like pulling teeth and you have to be appreciative.

These people think they're so "generous" and that they do so much more than they actually do. They don't accept any blame, and find ways to argue about what YOU've done to them, but really can't accept their own actions. Everything is revolved around them and what they want. It's hard to describe to other people, especially when spoken about your own mother. I'm glad more stories like this are coming to light. I didn't invite my mother to my wedding because I knew she'd ruin it and make it about her. She's never genuine.

TPL from Va.

My father was a classic 1950s narcissist. My mother didn't know what she was dealing with. This wasn't even viewed as a disorder back then. It drove her over the edge into a full blown two year nervous breakdown and chronic alcoholism after she saw him turn into a serial womanizer and heavy boozer. There was no escape. It drove her into a early grave and that was it.

He absolutely had no comprehension how his behavior had a negative effect on people and if/when it ever occurred to him the first response was to argue, pout or run out the door and hide. I can see it clearly in hindsight and even more so as a surviving child now adult when I see normal relationships and what was so obviously lacking in ours.

They're all dead now but going into a time machine armed with this knowledge I don't think I could have changed anything. It would have been better had he never ever married and stayed single.

If you want to know how to quick ID a narcissist just ask this question "In what ways do you feel you could grow or change for the better?" Narcs will always blow up and get angry and say they are already perfect just as they are.

If you're dating this creature -- run for your LIFE

Catherine from Westchester, N.Y.

Divorcing the narcissist is only the first step. For those of us with children, we will forever be tethered to their tantrums. The best chance of surviving the post-divorce years is to very carefully spell out the terms of your divorce settlement. Thus, when conflict or grey areas arise, as they will, you have a legally binding document to turn to rather than subjecting yourself to the non-stop attacks the narcissist will levy against you.

Vercingetorix from NY, N.Y.

My father in law was a narcissist of the worst kind, and even though he's been dead a year, my spouse and I are suffering the fallout from his evil. For 50 years, my mother in law put up with him, siding against her own children for him.

Having come from a 'normal' family myself, I couldn't understand why all this madness was allowed to take place and continue. I got into big fights with my in-laws over the first two years of my marriage, till I realized that they were nuts. It took father in law's death for things to improve. I have never been so happy as when that man got a terminal, incurable disease and finally succumbed to it.

I am so happy that my children are still young and will never remember him. I monitor their time with my mother-in-law and have made it very clear to her that she will have minimal influence on them. I have nothing to do with my sisters-in-law who are narcissists themselves and incapable of maintaining healthy relationships.

My husband and brother-in-law are thankfully in therapy and take their anti-depressants regularly.

Please know that if you are a member of a family in which narcissism rules, you will be scarred in one way or the other. Only death, divorce, murder, or high-tailing it out of there forever will save you.

Susan from Los Angeles, Calif.

Mothers of my daughter's friends sometimes say how lucky I am to have a husband like mine. Only my daughter and I know what we deal with. Lawyers have told me that it is unlikely that in divorce I will get more than 50/50 custody because of how charming he is and California leans to the father these days in custody suits. My daughter fears even being left alone with him for a night, despite that he is sometimes the "best Daddy ever," because she fears his unpredictable anger. I fear going to court and not being able to protect her so I stay where I am. It's terrible. I have physical stress and my daughter is growing up in house where she know things are not honest.

Dad

This consumed 16 of the past 25 years and too much pain inflicted to my young daughters, in my custody. But insight came from a stranger in a clinic as we both waited for court. She said to me "The answer you seek is in 'The People of the Lie' by M. Scott Peck. I bought the book going home, decided to underline ONLY parts that applied to the mom of my little girls. I underlined the whole book.

These people cause carnage to lives they encounter anywhere and must be avoided. As adults, one daughter is safe, secure, strong in her convictions. I fear the other may have inherited this dread, for it is like standing at the edge of Niagara Falls, and hearing her pleas from the bottom rapids "Save me Daddy." Even if I jumped in to save her, my ex would grip tighter to squeeze the life out of both of us.

This pain can not be described in Earthly languages. Guard your hearts with wisdom. Their operating premise is deception. If you sense it, do not second guess yourself. Run. Run. Run.

Your children deserve normal. Be their normal because the other parent reflects as warped mirrors in the amusement park...which one is the real mirror? Last, consider prayer.

Tammy Sweeney from Philadelphia, Pa.

I was married to a narcissist and it has ruined mine and my children's lives. The thing that frightens me the most is that my children are turning out just like him and they are out of control, is there any help out there for them?

Jill from Williston, Vt.

I divorced a NPD attorney in his hometown. 5 and 1/2 years later, he's STILL dragging me into court. The nepotism is vile as his colleagues side with him. However, I've kept fighting the good fight and eventually won some issues. My middle child has been used as a pawn as the narc befriended her, instead of parenting her. The narc now refuses to pay for extracurricular activities for my sweet 10 year old. My oldest estranged himself from the narc. I've tried to leave with the kids, but the narc's colleague judges ignore the facts and don't want to separate the daddy from his kids...the same kids who he ignores.

Bill K. from NYC, N.Y.

The best way to deal with a narcissist is to avoid one. The symptoms vary depending on the degree but usually include at least self-centeredness and selfishness, all the way to dishonesty and crime. So the signs are not hard to see.

Society could help if the radical writings of Judge Ben Lindsay around 1900 had not been forgotten. He proposed what he called "companionate marriage" which amounted to living together without children for enough years for feelings of lust to die away and true character to become clear. Naturally, in 1900 people were appalled and he was forgotten.

I have thought since then that instead of emphasizing the marriage license, a "companionship" license should be required, requiring certification (from a psychologist or the equivalent professional) that both parties have the personal and financial strength to raise healthy children.

This is because children suffer the most from divorce. Also, divorces involving children are infinitely more difficult.

Ros from Isle sur la Sorgue, France

I am so amazed to have stumbled upon this article - the word "narcissist" jumping out at me! I've read through many of the very touching experiences of women and men who have had and are suffering through relationships with someone with this disease.

I too have had a horrible experience of divorcing someone who I now know to be a narcissist. It took all of our relationship and marriage of 24 years to figure out what my ex husband is. It also explains the damaged woman his first wife is. I couldn't figure it out before.

I read a book that started liberating me while I was divorcing: "Men who hate Women and the Women who Love them" by Susan Forward & Joan Torres. I had no idea! I thought it was all my fault, how ugly, stupid, fat, slow etc I was, so my husband "had" to find someone else who really understood him!

Unfortunately, after a four-year long separation and divorce. I jumped right into another relationship with an even worse man, a sociopath (they're about the same) who had me pay for him and made me feel even worse than my ex. My exit image was: "if you had a daughter, what would you say to her if she were with a man like this?" "LEAVE NOW!"

After all that, I felt bad for falling for these types of men (and some women, too as friends) but I realize that this was set up from the beginning by my alcoholic mother, and my father who preferred to work far from home, his career being more important than his children and wife.

I've always believed in the fantasy that love can transform someone. Not so! I now live alone, financially ruined but I am happy and so glad I finally walked away and didn't look back. I shall certainly read this book by Dr McBride.

S R W from evans, Ga.

23 years of marriage ended with a drink thrown in my face by my narcissist. Two weeks later I asked for a divorce and my narcissist refused to sign the papers since "no one divorces him!" Scared to death of what he would do, I went to therapy .

Priya from New York, N.Y.

Please let us know what circumstances create narcissists.

Samantha from New York

Oddly, the most helpful thing that happened during my nearly four-year long divorce was being sued by my ex for sole custody of our child. A forensic psychological evaluation of our family was then mandated by the court. When the final report revealed my husband as a narcissist, the court finally had something to move the divorce along.

The NPD explained a lot about our marriage: his inability to accept responsibility and inability to stay at a job for an extended period of time, his constant judgement and criticism of others, constant competition with friends and exclusion of my friends and family. I had no voice with him. He constantly needed me to do menial tasks for him, treating me as an assistant instead of a partner.

Mental abuse escalated enormously once I expressed interest in divorce. The divorce was ugly, expensive and prolonged. He circulated lies about me to friends and colleagues, made outrageous claims about our assets and lied during depositions. It took a lot of time and energy to disprove the lies. I had to hire appraisers to disprove his claims about our assets.

I constantly worried about our child during the divorce process. A supportive school, family and friends helped immeasurably. Divorced, I can finally be the mother I was supposed to be and I have a strong relationship with my child. I am now also in a wonderful relationship with a marvelous, caring man. The divorce was a tremendous struggle but worth the effort!

lori from tampa, Fla.

Although I am already divorced from him, reading this article clarified every single thing I was going through. He was a master manipulator, conniving, cunning and very threatening. He always told me if I left him he would take our son and I would never see him again. So I stayed, until my son left him as soon as he could, that is when I realized just how bad it really was.

Stay Away or Get Away from So Cal

Oh my, so familiar. Instead of dating a narcissist, I became friends with one with the hope of making a new friend in a new city. We had met through a mutual friend, and we were both looking for a girlfriend for conversations, lunch, shopping, a wing woman on the singles scene, etc. We were both in our early thirties, and looking to get married and have kids with a great guy.

Fast forward through a decade of four "friend breakups," and many lessons learned. Not only did I learn that she was bipolar (severe, not moderate as I originally thought), but also a narcissist. I am now googling "dark triad" to see if my final thoughts on her are correct.

Days away from her are bliss and I am relieved to be free from her games. She is the most manipulative person I have ever met. Nothing is ever good enough for her. She is never at fault (although it is not statistically possible for her to be right in every disagreement). She was an expert in making me feel guilty for making her feel bad. What caused her to feel bad? Simple, my gentle confrontations into her lies and exaggeration which always turned into World War III. How DARE I accuse her of lying? I learned that you do NEED to be very direct with her, like a misbehaving child, and show her the videotape of her stealing the cookie from the jar. Even then, she didn't do it.

TKW

I am scared because I am facing a divorce and I am the narcissist in the relationship. I can see it but don't know how to contain it. We have been together for 25 years, married for 16. We haven't been happy for several years because I had two affairs over the course of our relationship, both with the same man. He wants a divorce now because he has a girlfriend and I want to make his life miserable. I'm not sure how I can help myself.

Owl from Keene, N.H.

I was married to a full blown narsicist. I did get divorced. It was indeed hard and costly. A watertight parenting plan to minimize face to face contact was key to success.

Abilene from Mpls, Minn.

I was married for 18 years to a narcissist. He had an affair and left. Thus began my nightmare. I called it his scorched earth policy. He hired an expensive attorney and filed complaint after complaint about me. He emailed and called a dozen times a day to tell me what I was doing wrong and what a terrible mother I was.

I am a pediatrician. I should have been stronger, but I broke. I was hospitalized for depression. He took the kids and I have never seen my son since. That was 15 years ago. I cannot describe the desperation I felt. The judge in the family court was a good friend of his. I have slowly rebuilt my life and have established a bit of a relationship with my daughter who was older at the time of the divorce. I married a really good man.

Meanwhile, my ex has defaulted on 1.5 million dollars in home and business loans. He continues to live a life that is oblivious of the consequences to others. I miss my children every single day and wonder if I will ever get over the trauma.

Kira G. from Los Angeles, Calif.

I was married and divorced a narcissist. Our divorce lasted for years and cost over $1 million. No matter what I did to try to minimize the fighting, and the using of our children's as pawns, nothing seemed to have an effect on him. There were signs before we married, but I was too young to recognize them (I was 17 when we met), and I thought he would outgrow the behaviors. It helps to know what is "normal" and that I am not alone. Thank you for this article.

Aversaggiana from San Diego, Calif.

Leaving the narcissist is only half the story. The other half is the more difficult and less talked about - the recovery and return to emotional health by the party who suffered under the hands of the narcissist. The after effects of narcissistic abuse can persist for a very long time, impairing one's ability to live an emotionally healthy life. Conventional psychotherapy is very limited in effectiveness, in this regard.

Veronica from Westhampton Beach, N.Y.

Oh wow. The nauseated feeling I have now after reading this article and comments is identical to that which was triggered my entire life by my crazy, NPD father and, to a great extent, my histrionic mother. He's been dead for years, she's long been m.i.a., in a love affair with alcoholism and Narc #2.

After years of having narcissists in my life, and reconciling with the residual carnage and cognitive dissonance from such an upbringing, I couldn't be happier. I have no guilt whatsoever for being glad that he is dead and she is otherwise occupied.

As an expert narc detector and avoider, if there is ANY advice that I could give, it is this: use your literal gut instinct as a barometer to measure the safety level of any person you encounter in life. Trust your nausea, or lack thereof, and act accordingly. Do not rationalize, emotionalize, intellectualize or otherwise ignore what your very wise sub-conscious is telling you- it is primal, teleologic and there by design for protection. My young adult sons have been taught to do this...already resulting in the vetting out of some good friends and also saving them from quite a few potentially tragic entanglements.

Ultimately, it makes no difference what pathological flavor a dangerous person might be. It only matters that you don't stick around to find out.

John from Omaha, Neb.

What is worse is to be the new husband after your wife's divorce with a narcissist. That is a nightmare.

Tara P from Aruba

Try living with someone with Schizoid Personality Disorder...

John from Cincinnati

Imagine you are a humanoid space alien who is dropped onto the earth in a society fixated on rituals of love and attraction and marriage. All these things presuppose the capacity to experience the feeling of love, yet as an alien you utterly lack this capacity. What then do the rituals signify?

Presumably it all looks like pure participatory theatre, but with tangible social and material benefits. What a marvelous game to play!

This moment of philosophy is brought to you by the hard empirical experience of trying to understand a past relationship which was painfully unlike any other.

KB

I am currently in the midst of divorcing a narcissist. It took me a long time to realize this is who I am dealing with.

Over and over, friends would say, "of course he's a jerk, you're divorcing him!" but that never felt right, I always felt there was something more. Something else. Now that I know who and what I am dealing with, I feel stronger and more steadfast in dealing with him.

Dr. McBride's book has helped me immensely, answering questions I have had for so long!

BBW from New York

I am currently going through a divorce, having taken years to get up the courage to say I wanted out. My husband is physically abusive as well as psychologically. Two years and 10,000's of dollars later, we are even further away from a divorce.

I have an excellent therapist who we met as a marriage counselor, giving me the huge advantage of not having to describe my husband without feeling like I was the crazy one. She had seen it and had already diagnosed him as a sociopath, an abuser.

His greatest defense is in fact just how crazy he is, because "no one can do that, I'd have to be sick for that to be true." Gas-lighting, a new term for me and one that I have an intimate connection with. I don't know if there are lawyers who specialize in dealing with sociopaths, but I can't figure out why I am not divorced yet, other than, he is making me pay for leaving him. I am wife #3, and he always had the next one lined up before he got rid of the current one.

I am the first to ever stand up to him, to ever tell him he is abusive. And he is punishing me for it. I will be financially devastated and emotionally exhausted before this is over. But I suppose that is his goal. And then what? Will I ever be rid of him?

Curious from Des Moines, Iowa

What happens to children raised by a narcissist?

Is there help for the children?

Mark Gruen from Chicago, Ill.

High conflict divorce is almost always fueled by the greed of the attorneys, whether involving a narcissist or not. I learned, after it was too late, that a rule of thumb in the divorce law game is that the fees will be comparable to about 10% of the marital estate. Time and again, from my own experience and observing others, it's proven true that the legal fight ends when the fees reach that threshold. We need serious reform in our legal system so that it serves the public, not the profession.

Mandy72 from NY, N.Y.

My father was a Narcissist.

I believe he was also borderline and from what i've read people with personality disorders can have more than one. He was a classic narcissist. He lied, cheated, was physically and was emotionally abusive to my mother and to my siblings. He cared for no one other than himself. Our welfare meant nothing to him. With him everything was for show. He wanted the world to see what a great guy he was. The face he showed to us was of an insane person. Like the other stories here the courtship between him and my mother was short. My mother was young, sweet and very kind--the very type of person a predator goes for.

In marriage he was happy to sit back and let my mother provide everything. If he didn't want to work he'd make my mother work, pay the bills and care for the children. That never seemed to bother him. His sense of entitlement was very strong. He alienated all her friends and family and isolated her to his hellish world. Before the world of computer banking he secretly took a loan out in my mother's name and then refused to repay it, tried to put my siblings and I up for adoption to hurt my mother. When all that failed had my mother put in a mental hospital because she was getting ready to leave.

She waited far to long but she did leave and that was the happiest day of her life.

My father never changed. He died alone. No one spoke to him. None of his kids - no one. We, the children, did bear the scars, children always do.

"Remain Independent" from Bernardsville, N.J.

Being married to someone who blocks out your needs because they believe what they want is good for you, good for the family, good for their career, good for your children is tricky. You don't see it.

You trust this person and want to make your marriage work. What this person wants may in fact be good in lots of ways, it simply doesn't consider the partner's needs as being equal.

I began to say to my partner, "You trust your opinion; you believe your way is right; you have the power of your own convictions." He was right when he considered his needs, not when considering the needs of our relationship. That our relationship was failing as a result became my fault. He became hostile because I was unhappy. I was blamed for supporting him because my support made me unhappy. That was tricky.

I filed for divorce after 27 years of marriage. I was able to get a consent order to protect me from him during the process - which has allowed me to be free of his abuse during the time it takes for him to agree to a settlement. I believe the court is overly patient with his behavior. His rights are being protected. Mine are being ignored. I hope the judge will see this and rule accordingly. It took me years to see this, courts need more training. We need a more honest conversation. Counselors, police, friends have all coddled his behavior.

Liza F from Los Angeles, Calif.

(Cont'd from another post) Note, I did not have a college degree (completed 2 years of college). But I was a very determined person and knew a great education was important for my children to rise above our present circumstances. So I worked hard! And talked to myself everyday. I gave myself positive affirmations to combat all the negative abuse I heard from my ex.

In the end, I sent my children to an Ivy League university. Two graduated from Wharton. I've raised very independent, resilient, hardworking children who adore me and still love spending time with me.

A text sent to me, which words are echoed by my other children in birthday and Mother's Day cards to me. "Money is nothing. Love and loyalty through the obstacles are everything. I love you, mama, you made me who I am and are the best mother I could ever ask for. Money means nothing! I've made money I could never dream of as a 21-22 year old and I learned firsthand - it is no measure of who you are. It led me to tremendous opportunity, but it did not make me. Love is the measure. My mom loved us so much - and look what she made? She made a loving family of children who adore her and thank her everyday for her sacrifices. Love you mama. Always."

If I can survive being a battered wife anyone can!

Mary from New York

A much needed book to help those with a narcissist spouse. It has been 16 years since my brother's divorce and his ex is still making his life and his daughter's life miserable because she can't move on.

amy from Iowa

My divorce took two and a half years because he appealed it twice. I was in a prison while I was married to him, thank God, so it was only 5 years and no children.

This article is so right. Even though the divorce is finally over, he continues to try to hurt me. He recently hacked my server at work and corrupted my computers and I was down for three days. I never know what he will do next. I sometimes think the only way to get rid of him for good is to change my name and move far away.

Venus from San Francisco, Calif.

If you are married to someone who has narcissistic traits, and you love them, keep them occupied with projects they like to do. It is true that they will talk about these projects adnauseum, dominating the family conversation until you fall asleep, but this keeps the arguments at bay. It keeps them the center of attention, which is what they seek.

It is best to agree with them, in politics and their opinions of people. They always seek perfect and orderly environments to live in. Try to keep your house or office at least "neat."

Remember that the narcissist is always right, and if you disagree with them, you will cause an argument that your children have to endure. Do not argue with them. Learn to keep your mouth shut. Learn to manage and contain your man/wife with narcissistic tendencies. Even if it is at the expense of the activities you like to do. This keeps peace with in the family.

Learn to be totally independent and spend quality time with your friends. Do not give him/her the power over your true happiness. Be the person you are. You become a tremendously strong person. Your children will benefit greatly. As you learn to manage your man/wife with narcissistic tendencies, eventually, you will be able to do the activities you enjoy doing. Management is key for a calm household.

Veronica from Westhampton Beach, N.Y.

Oh wow. The nauseated feeling I have now after reading this article and comments is identical to that which was triggered my entire life by my crazy NPD father and, to a great extent, my loony-bird, histrionic mother. He's been dead for years, she's long been m.i.a., in a love affair with Wild Turkey and Narc #2.

After reconciling with the residual carnage and cognitive dissonance from such an upbringing, I couldn't be happier. I have no guilt whatsoever for being glad that he is dead and she is otherwise occupied.

As an expert narc detector and avoider, if there is ANY advice that I could give, it is this: use your literal gut instinct as a barometer to measure the safety level of any person you encounter in life. Trust your nausea, or lack thereof, and act accordingly. Do not rationalize, emotionalize, intellectualize or otherwise ignore what your very wise sub-conscious is telling you - it is primal, teleologic and there by design for protection.

My young adult sons have been taught to do this, already resulting in the vetting out of some good friends and also saving them from quite a few potentially tragic entanglements. Ultimately, it makes no difference what pathological flavor a dangerous person might be. It only matters that you don't stick around to find out.

Laura V

My ex daughter-in-law is a full blown narcissist according to this description and the opinion of her doctors. She was briefly treated or rather agreed to treatment after a failed suicide attempt. In the divorce my son got custody of the children. My granddaughter is showing signs of the same behavior. Is it hereditary, or am I projecting? She is also almost 13. Could her behavior be adolescence?

Susan from Philadelphia, Pa.

I divorced my narcissistic husband over 20 years ago. He could appear to be very charming and so he had a lot of people on his side initially. We went for court ordered therapy and the therapist was angry with me because I said at the beginning that it wouldn't do any good but I would cooperate. After 2 sessions he admitted to beating me and doing everything he could to punish me for whatever my "sins" were. She looked at him in horror and then turned around and apologized to me. That was not the only time I received some acknowledgment from others that he was a narcissistic nightmare.

I had sole custody and he then sued for sole custody and we went to arbitration. They wanted me to speak first since I was defending against the action, and I said no, he's the one that wants custody, I would like him to go first and tell you why he wants it. He proceeded to jam both feet in his mouth and push - unleashing all his vitriol and aggressions over stupid things. I had to say very little - at the end they said that they very rarely fail to grant dual custody but it was clear he was not ready to be a parent, and I walked away with sole custody. Those couple of positive instances were far outweighed by the times that his behavior was ignored or missed. Needless to say he hasn't changed.

Broken man from Miami, Fla.

I was engaged to a gorgeous narcissist with bipolar disorder. I loved her with every fiber of my being. She committed suicide last year on methadone and benzos and after her death I found out she cheated on me, lied about everything and like a fool I believed her. In retrospect, everything was about her, she made up stories about her professional and personal history, and like a fool, I believed her, catered to her every whim and put up with a lot of b.s. because she was the most gorgeous woman I had ever met, and no one did love bombing better than her.

After a disastrous vacation to Australia I said goodbye to her and surprisingly, six weeks later she begged me to get back together, which I did based on expectations of behavior modification, which she did pretty well.

That's why last October when I found out she had unintentionally killed her self on pain relievers, I was devastated. Much to my regret I found out that "a leopard can't change her spots."

The moral of the story: if you are dating someone who exhibits narcissistic or bipolar tendencies, run as fast as you can to avoid the pain of betrayal, lies and most of all the theft of your sense of pride and worth

Lillian from Tampa, Fla.

Nothing I did was ever good enough. He was quick to point out my inadequacies and make sure I could see how other people were so much better. I frequently had friends and family tell me about his criticisms of me when I wasn't around. Even my own children.

After 28 years with him I walked out and divorced him. I was surprised at his hurt and sadness. But not the bitterness and ugly stories. One thing I learned is that it is not best to stay in a bad relationship for the children.

I came out of it with a badly bruised ego and a young adult child who was angry at me for leaving her poor father. Fortunately, she now understands the truth.

I know now, with the help of my therapists, that the negative tapes I had playing in my head were nothing but his narcissistic poison so deeply ingrained that I really believed it. There is a thousand miles between him and I now. That's far enough.

Theresa A. from Stillwater, Okla.

I don't need to question if my ex husband was a narcissist. He served 27 years in prison. There he was diagnosed as a narcissist. No one warned me Before we married. During our 4 1/2 years of marriage I saw how easily he could manipulate others into liking him, them equally hating him. It got so bad in our relationship I just wanted to die. I saw no other way out.

Only Caring For the Kids from San Francisco, Calif.

Divorced 6 years and still fighting. We have two kids and shared custody. He takes me back to court every 18 - 24 months!

I pay child support and he continues to want more money even though I pay for all the kids' expenses. Claims he can't find a full time job. I cannot make ends meet each month but still pay him! He has multiple SUVS, a house with a pool, but claim to only make $1500 a month! He uses the kids against me and tells them he give me money for all their needs. But yet when I show them proof that I pay child support, he tells the attorneys I'm talking to the kids about finances, which we are not supposed to do per the court orders.

I work hard but the more money I make, the more he is entitled to. How does that make sense? The San Francisco Family Court needs to rethink how they award custody and child support. Common sense doesn't seem to play a major role.

I have to take time off of work because he refuses to take the kids to their medical appointments.

I feel like I can't move on with my life because when he finds out who I'm seeing, he damages their car or my car. I don't want to put anyone in that position.

My youngest is only 10. I have to deal with this person for another 8 years!

Mike from San Diego, Calif.

I'm wondering to what degree I am a narcissist

Anonymous from anytown, N.C.

I am a mom and a doctor. I happen to have been married to a narcissist for about 5 years. I had been in a previously dysfunctional and abusive relationship and I had my eyes open when I was dating. In hindsight the only trait that I could have identified that may have been a warning of what was to come was when his emotions did not always seem genuine.

My mother is a nationally recognized domestic violence expert and she did not see what was coming either. The abuse started when I was pregnant and had some health issues. The rails came off and it was a spiraling cascade of destruction. I realized when my child was three and he was trying to protect me from his father that there was only a few ways this would end if I continued in the relationship. He would kill me, I would kill myself, or I would be so unhealthy I would die at an extraordinarily young age. That was the final straw.

After a house's worth of legal bills. I still face the threat of being taken back to court at about every three months and I am forced to share fifty-fifty custody with a psychopath. His parents are wealthy and his father is also a narcissist so that is how he keeps funding his legal battles. Welcome to my life.

Robin from Vancouver, Wash.

I have been in this kind of relationship for 28 years. To say it has taken it's toll is an understatement. For so many years the depression was so bad!

I have gone from one kind of therapy to another, thinking it was food related, that I had a mental disorder. I couldn't even think that he had any responsibility for what was going on.

I remember standing in the living room, pregnant, thinking,"so this is how this is going to be, we each take care of our own needs." Even after giving birth and health problems, I was on my own.

When we went out I was the brunt of jokes and each time we moved he made sure that when we met someone new he would tell them I was 'socially awkward'. I didn't argue, of course it was me! I have isolated myself to save any more embarrassment.

I am tired and my health is failing. because I didn't even know what a narcissist was until now I have no hope of full recovery.

He won't let me out of his sight and spends every last penny so that there is nothing left for me to have a chance to leave. The best thing is that I am going to a therapist which is fine with him because that just validates his assessment of me.

I am hoping I can gather the courage and self esteem to leave. <3

Sunie Keller from Rocklin, Calif.

After being married for 11 years, I am now going through year 7 of pre-divorce. Since he wanted the divorce, it could go even longer.

I have spent $100K so far-maxed out credit cards, emptied my retirement to pay for the legal fees since I had no family support, either emotionally or financially.

Because he has manipulated my family into thinking I am the bad person, he spends every holiday with them. I know my 15 year old daughter sees through her narcissistic father, so I don't need to say anything negative to her.

I feel sorry for him, because he is mentally ill. Since he won't finalize this divorce-he can't get on with wife #4. And to think I would have stayed with him if he wouldn't have told me to go work full time to pay off his $400k gambling debt. Luckily, a red flag kicked in and I thought, If I go to work it will be going in my checking account, not his.

Life goes on and I have no regrets going through two trials and coming out ahead.

Jeff B from Eugene, Ore.

Wow! This is my story, it's scary. We didn't have children together but I raised my two step-children for 28 years and they were told that if they (or their children) had anything to do with me, she would disown them. Talk about dirty.

Martha M from Jacksonville, Fla.

I divorced a true narcissist 25 years ago. Everything you say about divorcing a narcissist was true for me. We were married for 10 years. He had two children from a previous marriage and I had one child from a previous marriage. I pretty much raised his children in our home, and was totally responsible for all of their physical and emotional needs. Strangely, he was much more involved in the activities and support of my son than he ever was for his children.

Even though I had a very successful business, my life was consumed by supporting his career and maintaining our home and family. I was always struggling to be all that he demanded of me. During the last several years of our marriage, he developed a drinking problem and had numerous affairs with employees who worked for him. Each time his affair was discovered, he would beg forgiveness, vow how much he loved me and fire the employee he was involved with. At last, his abusive behavior and affairs brought me to file for divorce.

He tortured me for the next two years in court and though my son loved him deeply, he never spoke to him again. My son suffered greatly from his abandonment, as he was just starting college. Also, he told his children that if they ever spoke to me again, they would be out of his life. I lost all contact with these children that I loved deeply and had devoted years of my life to.

Michael R from Bay Area, Calif.

Marriage therapy didn't save us, but it worked. Eventually, I saw it wasn't all my fault, I wasn't crazy, I wasn't going have a relationship of equal caring, and I couldn't fix it.

Later, I could saw how I kept it going: I liked pursuing unreachable love. My ex-wife was a challenging problem to solve; the prize was to be the love I craved. She would blame me and assign me the responsibility for fixing us; I would strive. How could l NOT realize that loving and being loved is achievable now -- just never with her?

Later, I stopped pursuing a "resolution" with my ex-wife to end her anger, need to punish, or need to win. Amicable, low conflict, low cost, short time -- NOT achievable. The court process was long and costly.

With every ounce of energy I could direct willfully, I focused on what was achievable: to have the best possible relationship with my sons.

A happy ending? I learned about myself, and found true love elsewhere. I eventually won 50/50 custody in court, and I have used the time well. My boys and I are close. Their mom has a better house, is "more important" and I still pay too much money to her. So what?

I understand "irreconcilable differences" now – everything can't be fair; this can't be put behind us; we can't talk. I trained myself to stop putting energy into what can't be achieved. I put energy into relationships that grow.

Kristin from Olympia, Wash.

I was sent this link by a friend. It is shocking and sad how similar my journey in life and my divorce parallel so many of you. My heart hurts for you all, as I have felt and feel your pain.

I was married for 28 years and with him for 30. He asked for the divorce the day before my birthday only days after we spent two weeks together in Mexico. He told mutual friends he did it to "shake me up". He was angry I was going to a close friends birthday dinner. That was 14 months ago.

In the months to follow he would have 4 different lawyers. Taking me to court any chance he could get. He lost every time but that didn't stop him. He worked diligently to turn family, friends and our children against me. Sadly our adult son has turned to alcohol and drugs and clings to the attention he now gets from his father. My ex even told me he doesn't care how long or how much money it takes, he is going to mess my life up.

Our divorce was final a month ago and since he has filed three motion to stays and is appealing the divorce he asked for. I owe my lawyer over 50k basically just defending the actions of my ex. I am a positive person and I will survive. I just wish he would let our family heal and move on.

Christine from Utah

This is so interesting, because I was 56 when I met what I thought was the man of my dreams.

I met him over the internet at a dating site. It was so fun. He was witty, and charming and out in the open. We dated online for 4 months, and then he started to push that he wanted to try something new and get out of Montana and start fresh. So, we met and liked each other instantly. So a couple months later he moved in and I paid for his move to my home state.

I come to find out, other woman and other wives had also paid for him to move to their homes. I knew he had been married 3 times already, but I figured he had learned something along the way and he would finish with me, and we would be happy. But after getting married, all of a sudden, I was never good enough, hounded and pressured, after three years and his 8 job loses, I just divorced him with the help of me, my family and a counselor.

Now, he calls, so sweet and so sure it's my fault that we are apart. Narcissism - he will not even discuss it. It's my fault that I cause him to be angry. Now, it's up to me, he still calls, sweet, concerned. I live far away, it helps, but I am worried, he has the ability to turn on me again.

Anonymous from Tex.

I was married to a narcissist. Nothing was ever his fault. He never took responsibility for anything that went wrong. When we divorced, he wanted extra time with our son. Not because he really would spend time with him, but because it made him look good to have his kid.

Ironically, throughout the marriage, he accused me of being a narcissist, due to the fact that, as a hairdresser, I spend all day in front of the mirror. I tried to explain that my job of making other people look and feel good is about as far from narcissistic as one could get. It was after we separated that I looked up the actual definition of the word. A light bulb went on in my mind! His picture should have been next to the definition!

Mike from Sydney, Australia

I've known my wife about 40 years. We dated 8 years before marriage and were happily married for 13 years. Then I started noticing aggressive reactions to situations. That degenerated into a full scale legal battle (2006).

Even after securing a property settlement (2010) she was back to lawyers looking for a fresh angle of attack. She only stopped that caper when I refused to pay anymore legal bills and her lawyers threatened to sue her.

I'm still living in the marital home with her (different rooms). That's partly for financial reasons, partly to get the kids through. But I have no chance with a new relationship. I sated my despair with trying to understand her.

Realizing (2007) she'd developed NPD over the course of our marriage, helped my copping enormously. Just a guess, but I suspect the trigger was her own family's financial crisis (mid '70s) led in time to NPD. I've also found it helpful to embrace as much comedy as I can and maintain an external support base.

This is the hardest thing I've ever done. It ruined me financially. Not just the $.25 million in legal fees, but the intensity of her attacks were such, I spent all my spare time trying to anticipate her next line of attack and shielding the kids as best I can. I suspect its taken a decade off my life.

But you know what? Others have it far worse than me - now that's scary.

e57 from Pennington, N.J.

He has no empathy at all. Nothing is ever his fault. He takes cares of his needs first. He takes and does not give. He has no long term deep relationships. Despite being highly educated can not maintain a job for long. He does not respect people's boundaries. He was emotionally cruel, neglecting and abusive.

The stress increased the progression of my MS. I felt alone and depressed. I worked hard to overcompensate and be everything the kids needed. He now tries to undermine me. Worst of all my first attorney has turned out to be a narcissist too.

Michael Friedman, Esq. from Delmar, N.Y.

These comments are heartbreaking but provide no specific techniques of managing a narcissist. There are techniques of a good divorce lawyer to deal with such issues and the sooner one can engage such a professional the better. You will never change the narcissist but he/she can be managed for the benefit of you and the children.

Susanne E. from Austin, Tex.

My marriage was an unfolding nightmare. It was so traumatic that I find it hard even to read these stories. He blamed me for everything, accused me of an affair, lost my life savings, smeared my reputation, locked me out, bullied me, smashed my cellphone with a hammer - things I could never have imagined.

I finally realized that I had to leave when he repeatedly yelled in front of the children, "You are worthless!" When I told him I wanted a collaborative divorce in the interest of the children, he screamed that he would spend every nickel he had making it the fight of my life - and he did.

Our divorce took four years; he spent over $700,000 in legal fees. His three goals: to impoverish me, humiliate me and take the children away from me. He succeeded. He lied, cried on the stand and hired private investigators (rich man's stalking). He was diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder but paid a psychologist to testify that having an NPD parent is "not a problem" for young children.

The children and I live on fumes and I pay child support to him, while he lives lavishly in a multi-million dollar home. The court system is his playground, and the judges I've encountered don't understand narcissism nor realize they're being gamed. There is no justice. Fortunately his efforts to alienate the children from me have failed. They are sweet and deserve better. I feel for each of the people whose stories I've read.

Kathy G from Amelua Island, Fla.

I was in a relationship with a narcissist for 30 years. It has taken a real toll on me but I am finally divorced.

For years I fed his narcissism without knowing I was doing so. I naively thought that the more I gave, the more I put him first and, the more selfless I became that I would eventually be on the receiving end of his affection. Wrong!

I asked for little and received absolutely nothing emotionally for years. He was charming and handsome and always garnered attention from other women and would often downplay our relationship and whenever I would want to discuss it, he would accuse me of being jealous and insecure. Eventually I stopped saying anything. He stopped touching me and when I tried discussing our nonexistent sex life, he would chalk it up to him getting older. For years I asked for intimacy and he would look at me like I had three heads.

He was intelligent but not emotionally intelligent. As I matured, I realized how unfulfilling my marriage had become. I would go in and hang out in my son's room and we would chat about his day just to be close to someone.

Ends up my ex-husband who was a commercial pilot had been having an affair with a married flight attendant who eventually moved her family to our island. I was forced to know her and to socialize with her. When caught he was 6 years into his affair. No remorse!

Jane Baldinger from Oak Park, Ill.

Amazing article and the two things that stand out glaringly are that "If you divorce a narcissist, it's not going to be a normal divorce." And "We need more education for professionals in the divorce field so that the custody evaluators and family law people and therapists know what they are dealing with. They also can be seduced by the narcissist."

Thank you for exposing another facet of the many problems that narcissists pose for society. With little understand for the plight of the real victims.

Jen from Houston, Tex.

A narcissist raped me when I tried to break up with him ten years ago, when I was just twenty years old. My child was conceived during the rape. Since that time, the narcissist has entered and re-entered our lives through every means of manipulation. I have twice fled to the opposite side of the country to be rid of him.

The last time I did, he began using the court system to harass me and threaten to take my child. Despite the fact he has never even lived in the same state as me and my child, he was granted standard visitation and places the threat of incarceration for contempt of court over our heads if we do not do what he says.

He has hacked into my email and bank accounts, filed multiple false police reports, made what are called spite reports to CPS, made dozens of false contempt complaints to the courts and hired people to follow me and block my driveway, preventing me from going to work and taking my child to school. The police in our states refuse to do anything. I can't get a protective order.

The Courts formally reprimand me for trying to protect myself and my child, but grant him no repercussion for being several thousand dollars behind in child support. I don't even want his money. I want to be free of this. I don't want to be tethered to a rapist. Every day is a nightmare. I feel totally alone.

Anne

This described my first marriage to a T. Glad I'm out of it thanks to supportive friends, family and professionals. It was the hardest battle I ever fought but I have been free for 20 years and am married to a wonderful man. If you are in a marriage like this get help and get out as fast as you can. There are wonderful people out there.

Patty Jean from Chicago, Ill.

Marrying and divorcing someone who is truly narcissistic is a life-long affliction. They will never forgive you for "rejecting" them and will make your life hell. They will try to destroy you emotionally and monetarily forever.

Somehow I had the courage to leave with an infant but at a very high price; I still have not been able to sustain a normal relationship after 20 + years. It's a seriously devastating disorder for those of us living with the fall-out of these relationships

The upside: my son said he was glad he was raised by me. The downside: his father is still an influence in his life.

dr. paul from fort lauderdale, Fla.

Who makes the diagnosis: the wife or the husband here? I believe often times if you are dating someone more than say 6 months or a 1 year you will find these selfish or narcissistic traits fairly easily, if NOT your judgement is impaired and you need help for the next time around. Also doesn't this suggest a "victim" here? Who chose to get married? Are your choices really that bad?

Remember it takes two to tango in all relationships so everyone shares some blame.

David M from oakland, Calif.

Very good discussion about narcissism. A therapist friend defined a narcissist as when you interact with them you come away feeling worse about yourself.

Sonia from Toronto, Canada

We met 10 years ago, he was charming, charismatic, spontaneous. We moved extremely fast; he loved me and never loved anyone like me. We were intimate every chance we got. I craved him it was fantastic, I had met my soul mate.

Six months later we moved in together and things started to change. He started to distance himself. I started noticing other women constantly contacting him, a lot of secrets. We started to argue a lot, there were lies and more lies and deception.

Fast forward 10 years we are married with 3 kids. I found him on Plenty of Fish pretending to be single and dating people. I read some of his messages and he talks bad about me to random people. He decided to leave me, he says he no longer loves me and needs that crazy love.

I was actually relieves that he's decided to leave, this gives me an out. I've tried a few times but he's always threatened me. Now we are stuck here. He won't leave the house. He provokes me and wants me to blow up in front of the kids.

I feel like I'm living in limbo. He's here and living his little life and making my life miserable. I just want him to leave so I can finally heal. I feel like i've aged 30 years in the last 10 years. I used to be this secure outgoing individual and he just beat me down. He cheated on me and now is being nasty and wants to take me to the cleaners. He wants me to pay him alimony because I make more than him. I'm baffled on how he twists things around.

Charlotte from Atlanta, Ga.

My husband fits most of the spectrum but not the part about being abusive to our children. He truly, I believe loves the two of them, but that pretty much sums it up. He does however play me up as the bad guy to them, so I guess THAT is abuse in some ways.

He's been manipulative and argumentative to me for 16 years, leading to low self esteem for me, when I once was super strong. I stayed for the children but one is off to college now and the other in high school. Unfortunately I am still attracted to him but getting stronger every day over the last two years of hell...the worst of our 24 year marriage. He's got an apartment but continues to stay at our home because we have not told our kids yet...with one just leaving to college, we were trying to wait a bit. Trying to unravel and figure out how to go about this strategically, which is not my strong point. I need to "play the game" but I am all about what you see is what you get...not good with a NPD!

Any advice ?

Zaza R from Miami, Fla.

Is a narcissist also a sociopath? I consider yes as the "rules" never applied. We each had married previously, and had children/child from those previous lives. I am forever grateful my children had strength. Mirroring courage and escaped with lessons learned and experiences never to be duplicated.

Kim from Santa clarita, Calif.

This sounds so close to home. My ex - also an attorney - acted as though I didn't exist, negated everything I said, exploded in our faces, flipped good and bad into pornography, negated self expression and exchanges of ideas, still plays with financial obligations and we are now going through lawyers for back support.

Although divorced recovery has taken years, no one knows how to deal with these these types of people. Therapists just drug out the pain and cycling of abuse. I guess they wanted their weekly allowance from my pain.

Kevin from Macomb, Mich.

I filed April 7, 2014 after surprising my wife at work. I went to bring her lunch, said she was at the gym, so I went there and saw her walk out of gym with her boss. As I pulled up in my vehicle they started making out.

When I asked her about it a few hours later she denied it and invited me up to her office to speak. She said everything we had was because of what her boss did for her. said, "including sleeping with him?" She swore on the life of our daughters nothing happened beyond that and we were in a bad marriage. She then asked I don't contact his wife. When I called her she said "Thank you, thank you, thank you…I knew it was someone but wasn't sure who" and she proved it with 2 1/2 years worth of receipts from his business trips, local hotels, plays, and country club overnight stays.

I filed april 24, 2104, 26 days later I was accused of assaulting and poisoning my wife, I was arrested, kicked out of my house and she closed all our accounts and hid the money. Four months later she finally took the stand - she pleaded the 5th Amendment - all charges were dropped two weeks later.

The damage was extreme: I was a homeless, stay at home dad, my daughters lost me for months because of a court order she falsified. This is movie ready!

Gerrie L from rural

It took 10 years of counseling before I believed in myself and left. My ex didn't talk to our daughter for years because he didn't like her boyfriend when she was in her mid twenties. He didn't talk to me for weeks at a time when 'punishing' me for some infraction.

When I figured out that I was more at peace and happier when he WASN'T talking, I started to make plans to get out. He removed the carburetor from the car so I couldn't go to church, ridiculed my friends, but wasn't above propositioning one after we separated. He threatened to take the kids to South America, so I would never see them again, etc.

It's been over twenty years since I left and I have never looked back, but the years wasted can never be replaced. Our three wonderful kids have seen him for what he is, probably longer than I have - they have little to do with him and even less regard for him as the years go on.

Hire the best attorney you can afford and refuse to take the narcissists calls. I wish I'd had the courage to leave many years before I actually did. I waited 28 years.

R.0. from Canada

Nearly four years and counting for me. I am drained - completely drained - of my ex wife's actions. It is hard to believe that I was married to someone so toxic.

-She has made false allegations against me, my family and step-kids.

-She has alienated my oldest son from me.

-She has manipulated countless therapists, lawyers and other legal professionals to take her side.

-She made several threats against me, and bombarded me with hundreds of e-mails.

-She defamed me in social media.

And that covers only part of it. My narcissist ex-wife is a rabbi. And believe me - everyone believes the rabbi. As a result, several people have come to her aid simply because of who she is in the community. Everyone from the social worker at the local Jewish agency to the mediator-arbitrator whose son is colleagues with my ex's father. And while it seems like I have taken bullet after bullet, my kids have suffered the most. In the most recent incident, my ex-wife coached my six-year old daughter into suggesting my step-son did something horrible. Thank goodness the doctor took impeccable notes of my ex wife's statement.

Perhaps most shocking is my ex-wife is the one who wanted out of the marriage via an affair. Yes - you would think she would want to keep things hush and back out of the marriage amicably being a rabbi and all. Not so. She is toxic - and I am running out of energy in dealing with her. Nightmare.

Julie from Kingston, Canada

This is incredible. I divorced a narcissist and everything said by Karyl McBride has happened. Courts order support; he won't pay until he is forced. I think the most ridiculous order a court has to make is for a parent to be allowed to call their child. That should say it all and that's when the judge needs to take 50/50 away from the blocking parent. If he needs to be ordered to let me call.

What other alienating behaviors is he hiding? He doesn't want the kids, he just doesn't want me to have them. He even wrote off his own sister for continuing to talk to me about the kids. Thank you for this article.

Andrea from Calif.

He always has to come first - before the kids, housework, anything I do for myself. He says "if you'd just do it my way we wouldn't have any problems." He thinks that he shouldn't have to to do an equal amount of housework/bills even though we both work full time. Is he just immature or a jerk?

I feel worn out! I get so sick of him taking all my time that I end up snapping at him or my daughter.

It's hard to feel passion for him. I usually just want to get away.

As far as my parenting, I'm just exhausted. I feel guilty.

Mary from W.Va.

The narcissist doesn't get over divorce and continues to try to make mischief forever. I was in an emotionally abusive marriage for almost 12 years, when I told him I wanted a divorce all hell broke loose and has never ceased - almost 10 years later.

The child we share, my teen son, can sometimes display some of the traits of an narcissist and it can be hard for me to see the difference between his teen-ish behavior and what may be hints of fifty-percent of his DNA.

My son worships his father and cannot see the narcissism. I have to wait patiently for my son to grow up and realize that while his father has lost job after job (not of it his fault, of course), his mom has stayed in the same town and created a safe home for him. I so wish this book that had been written when I was going through my divorce.

Arthur from Portland, Me.

I echo many comments - I wish this book was published a few years ago. When my now ex-wife and I divorced, she accused me of being a narcissist. It was only after I sought treatment for it that I discovered that she was the actual narcissist and most likely has full blown NPD.

I kept giving in the divorce - doubled the child support, gave up all the possessions, and took on all the debt in a misguided attempt to appease her. It was never enough and I am still suffering the emotional and financial repercussions.

She has manipulated our daughter into cutting me out of her life by insisting that she will never be in the same room as me again, making my daughter choose between us. She refuses to send our daughter to the counseling agreed to in the mediation out of fear that she will start to think for herself.

A good therapist has done wonders for me, but the damage will cascade on down through out daughter I am sure. A very sad situation.

CS from Princeton, N.J.

For years I thought I was fat, not worthy of love and a terrible partner. My husband initiated the divorce since there was so many things "wrong" with me. He blamed me for everything that was not to his liking. And I could not be the perfect wife. It's been an ugly separation. But if I learned anything being divorced from a narcissist it that is much better for me and our kids. I found that I am smart and not fat (106) and have a lot to offer. I thought I had low self-esteem from my childhood. It turns out that it was because of how he tried to make me perfect for 30 years

Nicole P. from Newport Beach, Calif.

He was charming, spontaneous, charismatic and domineering - but there was also glibness about him I hoped time and intimacy would erase.

This is precisely the problem with the sociopath. They are all of these things when it serves them, but it is not genuine. They are incapable of any real human attachment. They are indifferent or oblivious to any and all devastation they will cause. They will never accept the blame, for no matter what they are always the victim.

It took me nearly 12 years to divorce him. I filed the first time in 2003. He was charged with Domestic Violence. I went back to him the next week.

The second time he had prepared. He was ready to destroy me, and after reading all of my journals he knew exactly how to produce terror and carry out the necessary punishments. He made a list and proceeded in his newfound goals.

The "Family Law" Attorneys could not anticipate his evil, the courts do nothing, forensic accountants cannot find what is not provided, and there are no consequences for lying.

I walked with nothing but full custody after a 730 Evaluation.

The only way he got his power is when I needed something. When I stopped needing and practiced no contact he had no power.

Marie from Walnut Creek, Calif.

Thanks for the article. I am unfortunately recalling the protracted legal battles I had during a divorce from a narcissist, and the long-standing dramas that ensue during child-rearing. We have a daughter with cerebral-palsy, and this provides another landscape for narcissistic play. It is helpful for children of divorce to understand the unique characterization of narcissistic behaviors: hopefully it helps to put their experiences of the narcissist parent into better focus. Ultimately, it may help them to be discerning about their own relationships.

Penelope from Austin

I was always the problem: my needs, my feelings, my hobbies were disrupting our marriage. Nevermind his optional 18-hour days. If he agreed to any of my asks or acquiesced to a stated need, it was an inconvenience to him and a favor to me. Took me years to see the trend. We divorced. I'm much happier now but still struggle to believe my needs are valid and deserve affirmation.

Kate from Cleveland

Key traits for me were (I am four years divorced: two times in court during the divorce and one time since the divorce--all initiated by him) gaslighting, projecting and threats.

Gaslighting - I was always "crazy" and all the problems in our marriage were mine.

Projecting - the things that he was so clearly, he would say I was ("You are not empathetic" "You're so selfish")

Threats - "By the end of this divorce you will be ruined, everyone will know that you are crazy, I'm going to get you fired"

It affected me considerably, it was so ugly, dramatic, and utterly absurd, but I luckily found a great therapist, got on meds, started yoga, have a great support network and a great job.

Now that I am out from under this craziness, I can ignore him. (He does not like this and constantly tries to "woo" me back with his well-worn charm techniques that won me over in the first place.)

Parenting was a challenge those first few years, but the drama has subsided for the most part - he is actively searching for his next victim. When he is seeing someone else the pressure is off me and our daughter because he has to focus all his attention on his new conquest.

Now i can see the patterns

Nichola M. from Los Angeles, Calif.

I lived with a narcissist for 18 months. He was a musician and it was so incredibly romantic and seductive. My children were nearly grown and I thought, having been out of a committed relationship for many months, why not? I made the mistake of agreeing to move to a small town about 200 miles away from my family. Once the door of the ancient house (cue the organ music) he had purchased closed, it was all over.

To keep me from leaving, he threatened to leak some naked pictures of me to my freelance clients (he did); report I had stolen his car (he did); and described in detail his new affair with a woman my daughter's age.

Thanks to lots of therapy, I am over it but I am still amazed that people like this exist. I wonder if he was looking for someone like me: Kind, empathetic, caring, not believing someone could be so cruel, so heartless, so - honestly - evil in every respect of the word. Beware, ladies. I wish I had been.

Barb from Cedarhurst

I'm in the middle of divorcing a narcissist. He's making it impossible. He already files several false police reports against me and told our kids it's just the beginning. At this point all he cares about is money and how he can screw me out of my share of the martial assets. In his last settlement offer he said I could keep the two dogs in exchange for a rental property we own.

Samantha Anastasiou from Albuquerque, N.M.

Is narcissism a genetical trait or learned disorder? Are there other disorders that can accompany it, and if so, are there some that are more common than others? For instance, OCD? I believe my ex has narcissistic personality disorder, but, he also has traits for OCPD.

Our daughter is diagnosed with High Functioning Asperger's. Is there a connection? In parenting, he was the most abusive with her, she suffered much more than my son. Truthfully, their personalities are more similar, although, with parenting she is not displaying or following through on the negatives of the disorder.

Since Narcissism is a personality disorder, in what ways can it be unlearned behavior? Are children of narcissistic parents going to struggle with this as an issue? My son isn't like that. My daughter wasn't either until she became about 8 or 10, then she became withdrawn and antisocial, lacking empathy, awkward. Asperger's was more apparent, when before I wasn't sure. I was able to get a diagnosis. I always knew something was not right from the beginning, but sometimes I wonder if the abuse and his narcissism contribute. Thank you.

Erin from Providence, R.I.

I'd also mention the 'tentacles' of the Narcissist are long and can thread through generations. My husband is not a narcissist, but his mother fits this description perfectly and there are distinct relationship and parenting issues stemming from her very destructive persona.

Often, it takes the children of these emotional monsters years to see the parent for what s/he is and not default to ingrained childhood beliefs (notably that they deserve the Narcissist's treatment because they are failures). Narcissists are expert in exploiting the love one 'should' have toward a parent and using it to manipulate and control. There have to be constant reminders that the Narcissist's actions aren't reflections of anyone but herself (because she is incapable of thinking about anyone else). Although I am fortunate that my husband has insight into his mother's dysfunction, the birth of our child forced still-unresolved issues into the forefront of our marriage. Despite his intelligence and resilience, it took a toll on us because a narcissist is not happy unless she can entangle herself in others' relationships and fundamentally undermine the well-being of those she is biologically entrusted to protect. I insisted upon therapy for him and strict boundaries for her to buffer our child and our relationship from her malingering. My in-laws divorced before I was born; however, the traumas constructed by my mother-in-law for the duration of my husband's childhood are still with us today.

Justine from San Francisco, Calif.

If only this book had been published 10 years ago when I was entering the second year of my divorce from a high on the spectrum narcissist! He was an emotional abuser, and although I am recovered and happy now, there are some triggers that still cut me off at the emotional knees. I often felt crazy, that I was making it up. My very good therapist reminded me that with narcissists, you don't stand a chance, they run you over. Ted Bundy without the murder. May this book help many!!!

LJS from Yuba City

After reading your posts, I am flooded with the memories, frustration, bewilderment I felt in my 20 year relationship with a narcissist. In the end, I realized there is a mental abuse that goes on between the narcissist and his (her) mate. I read in one of the post that it is the combination of two troubled souls that end up in such a terrible circumstance. I am so glad I entered thearpy at the end of the relationship. I discovered many things but mostly my side of the pair was my tendency to be dependent partner. I have come along way from that woman and do not see myself as dependent in all my relationships. In fact, it was fascinating to see just how many narcissists I had in my life. Today, I chose different kind of people to be my friends. I still have not fully found myself back in a relationship. I am still extremely hesitant to go down that road again. I like being considered and valued and respected and will not give that up again.

Jason S. from Ga.

She shows signs of narcissism but not full blown, she scarred from childhood, a victim of mental abuse. I feel week to defend myself and three boys in massive amounts of arguments. I wonder if it was full blown narcissism would it be easier to run.

Thorina from San Francisco

Living with a narcissist is like having Stockholm syndrome. You don't even know you've adopted their world view until the marriage is over.

My experience was somewhat different than the one described in the article, in that my ex was the one who left (he had an affair) so it wasn't a case of him "not getting over it" and punishing me for leaving. That said, he continued to "punish" none-the-less. I was supposed to take the blame for his infidelity. Since I didn't agree to an "open marriage" I was supposed to grant him an "amicable divorce", in other words, accommodate all his wishes and give him the house and all the money, even though it was my family who helped us with a down-payment. He continued to threaten and bully via phone calls and emails during the legal proceedings and while my mother was dying of cancer.

It was a hard time in my life, but I am so happy to be free! I found a creative outlet by publishing a graphic-novel memoir called "The Heartbreak Diet" in which I was able to focus on the many comical and surreal aspects.

Rich from New York, N.Y.

I am reading of this disorder for the first time and what I have read is exactly my ex-wife's personality. We have been divorced longer than we were married at this point but until our daughter graduated college it seemed we were still at her mercy. When I received phone calls from my daughter I was afraid to pick up because I KNEW that her mother had caused another problem for us. It was terrible but I resisted phoning my daughter for fear of having to deal with another phony issue created by her mother. No news was good news. Since her graduation from college I never again have to interact with her mother and our relationship has soared to new heights since there is no longer a person interfering and trying to drive a wedge between us. It was a new emotion to me- looking forward to receiving phone calls and visits from my daughter. A recent example of my ex stirring the pot was she told our daughter that I wanted her mother's new husband(I feel sorry for him, nice guy) to adopt her at my urging. Never happened and was never a consideration. This happened about three years ago. I haven't had any interaction directly or indirectly since then and it has been bliss. Extricating myself from her was difficult at every turn but thoroughly worth the end result. If anyone is attached to someone like this they should run not walk away!

Sara from Milton, Mass.

I was not only married for 26 painful years to a narcissist of the highest order but also realized that some of his family members shared many of the same traits, although not as extreme. Obviously, the best thing to do is share this article with as many young people as you know so that they have it on their radar but for those of you who, like me, were trapped in a marriage where the narcissism became more and more obvious, staying married until your children are old enough to understand narcissism themselves is one option. Yes, you lose out on a relationship with someone else but you protect your children until they are mature enough to handle the narcissistic terrorizing that will occur. Combine the narcissism with alcoholism and all you can do is your best to protect your kids until they are knowledgeable enough to protect themselves. It is a rough road but as the author notes, there is no changing these people and so you have to stay on the defense.

Linda J from Va.

The book and review and comments came along at just the right time for me. After 40 + years of marriage and wonderful grown kids and grandchildren, he left. I've known he had a NPD for more than 15 years and have changed in the ways I've dealt with and responded to him. But, when I withdrew the supportive behaviors, he became more hostile. He did me a favor by leaving, but now he wants to turn a simple no fault divorce with not a great deal of assets into a major litigation - as one of you said, he would rather lose the money than compromise. So much of his behavior is in the comments: early charm, working through our family gatherings, I don't even want to think about him enough to list much more. Work has been everything to him, but he just quit his job to avoid even minimal spousal support. I had never bad-mouthed him to the kids, but they knew we lived lives separate from him. But in the divorce process he has revealed his narcissistic lying, self-important, manipulative, self-pitying self to them on a regular basis. I feel so much for those of you who have young children and are trying to extricate yourself from narcissists. I blocked him from calling and emailing early, but you guys have to keep contact. I can go with a division of assets and no spousal support and get the divorce. Needed this article today. Thanks.

Samantha Anastasiou from Albuquerque, N.M.

My ex is full blown, also OCD, possibly OCPD. . Married 23 years,married young. Most spent in church he used to control me. We had a business it revolved around me doing everything for him. He always had financial control. Everything fell apart when the children came. first a daughter, then a son. we agreed i'd be stay at home mom with kids (still doing biz paperwork). That changed when the children were born. The business starts failing. He always took credit for everything, it was HIS business. He became angry,abusive. He'd hit me before, but after "counseling" at church promised not to ever again. He hit me as I was nursing our newborn daughter. Here was the angry man again. So, business failing he decided to move us out of state, more affordable. Everything rapidly fell apart.He constantly screamed at the children, especially my daughter, who has Asperger's. He degraded everything I did -as soon as he walked in after work.I dreaded it. dinner, everything would be criticized. he expected me full time in the biz when kids were in school, but i was too overloaded. so when the business collapsed due to his spending, he blamed me. Then the nightmare of divorce, exactly as described.. police, lies, child protective services, no support. his claims of alcohol, drug dependency, put me in hospital with a septic gall bladder infection for 3 weeks.. i'm still so exhausted, sick. Dr. Jekyll/ Mr. Hyde he nearly killed me. The schools,churches need to give classes so young people avoid this.

Maddie from Conway, Ark.

Okay, wow. Like, you realize people with NPD don't CHOOSE to be mentally ill.

You think living with someone with a mental illness is hard? Imagine having one. People with Narcissistic Personality Disorder also often struggle with anxiety disorders, depression, substance abuse, cognitive and developemental disabilities, eating disorders, and other personality disorders.

Not everyone is patient or empathetic or understanding enough to help a mentally ill partner, in the same way not everyone can handle a partner with a chronic illness or disability. But that is a personal issue, one that is between you and your partner. Ripping into mentally ill people who already live through hell every day and going on and on about how awful they are won't make you any happier. It won't heal your family. It won't do anything but increase the stigma against mentally ill people.

No Name from Anytown

I was left by my ex narcissist spouse over a decade ago. Same scenario as stated in the article. He was a work alcoholic and was never interested in me or our two children. He took up with someone at work who I believe he is still with. However, he has turned my two children against me several years ago who are now adults. I think they have figured him out or at least one of them has but are still not in contact with me as I believe they are very intimidated by him and his new partner. This part is very painful. I fought for just visitation time with my adolesecnet children through the court after they chose to live with him and his Disneyland Dad ways of parenting. The judge would not even get involved to mandate the visitation which is why I believe that we need to have more skilled and knowledgeable professionals to recognize and deal with this personality disorder effectively.

Parent Alienation is the awful by product of a high conflict narcissistic divorce and the kids pay dearly for it leaving the caring parent powerless.

Lucy P from Bloomfield, Conn.

I was able to divorce my narcissistic husband for many of the reasons cited here. Now, my 21 year olds are paying the price of his narcissism. It's impossible to build boundaries - he's relentless and takes no responsibilities for his actions (case in point, he went to France on a planned vacation with his wife right when the children came home from school for a week before summer jobs. He was very angry that they didn't plan their time home to suit him, which they had no control over, although he failed to tell them he was going away until two weeks before he left). After a particularly difficult vacation when the kids wanted to stay with me since they have rooms here, one son worked hard to create a space in his dad's new house. Next time he went there, the desk, personal belongings and books were removed. Dad's response? Pretend it's a timeshare when you come here. Yet he continues to blow if they don't stay with him. Like me, one son refuses to talk to him because, as I've found, his dad can only understand his point of view and neither listen nor accepts any other. Dad is a victim through and through. I suffer as I watch my children navigate his expectations. Nothing worse than the tears that flow because he's so demanding, unforgiving, guilt provoking, difficult and nothing is every good enough. It's truly all about him.

Emily Anglin from Richland, Mich.

I would love to share my story of divorcing my full blown Narcissist ex-husband who remarried 3 months after we were divorced for the 4th time to a women he met only a few weeks before we were legally divorced, and moved this lady into the house where we lived as a family with my two young kids less then a month after we were divorced. I truly believe that my story will help women(and maybe some men) who are stuck in a abusive narcissist relationship and what to choices to make to either get out or stay. I was abused in every sense of the word during my marriage, physically, verbally, emotionally, sexually, and financially. He hid big money and only gave me $300/month, while forcing me to turn in receipts to him only to be scrutinized. Now divorced from him, and still dealing with family court issues that have totaled close to $200,000 with still issues to be resolved. He uses the kids(I'm the only wife with kids) as pawns and never takes responsibility for his actions but continues to blame me for my feelings and opinions. He still continues to abuse me by undermining me with my kids and it has hurt them more then words can say. I love my kids but almost regret having children with a narcissist as I will always be tied to him and his personality disorder.

Jimsface from Los Angeles, Calif.

I am personally VERY familiar, and think this portrayal is quite accurate and spot on. I could add but a few things, but suffice to say that at the basic level, this is probably more than most of us can handle-and possibly a real eye opener.

Tom S. from Oakland, Calif.

My ex-wife couldn't even be bothered to tell me that she was leaving me for another man. She just moved out of our bedroom, went out every night to parts unknown, and never looked at or touched me again, all the while expecting me to keep supporting her.

When I tried to talk about it with her and said I still loved her, her response was "yeah." I finally read her email and got the proof I needed to move on, but she still dragged her heels for a year and a half on the divorce and insisted on spousal support.

Tom from Chicago, Ill.

We made a corporate marriage with a narcissist, taken in by the strong 'claimed' record, apparent success, very clever founder of a new private equity firm.

Four years later, there is no feasible future, in spite of a strongly profitable operation, that involves the management team and majority owning family with this individual.

As doubts grew, we had a deep background check performed and learned that every 'claimed' accomplishment had been vastly overstated. Four claimed successful business startups had all tanked, none made any money for investors during the narcissist's tenure.

Now we face a 169 count lawsuit that is pure fabrication, but costly to defend.

This person attends quarterly board meetings at our Chicago-area headquarters, but never comes in for the board dinner or stays after the board meeting, simply has no concept of building a personal relationship. Furthermore, while our corporate philosophy has always been to focus on '"fixing problems," this person exclusively focuses on "fixing blame," never admits to making any mistake, never follows decisions that were agreed by all board members.

This experience leads me to offer condolences to anyone caught in any kind of relationship with a narcissist. It is simply hell.

More Please from New York, N.Y.

This is so helpful, thank you. Still, we need more more info please on the close relationship between narcissistic personality disorder and borderline personality disorder and how to deal with their overlapping traits in marriage and divorce. Also, I need more information please on how these personality disorders go hand in hand with abusive patterns.

There needs to be continued effort made to educate the court system about these disorders, as well as professionals in the mental health field, who are often clueless and unwitting enablers. For example, in my estimation and experience, normal marriage counseling is the least effective method for helping these issues in a marriage. It can even be downright harmful by undermining the healthy partner.

There needs to be urgent education for therapists, especially for marriage counselors, to recognize red flags of personality disorders and the abuse that goes along with it, and politely bow out of traditional marriage counseling as it is an inappropriate solution to the situation. It does not work! Not addressing the real elephant in the room will only cloud the issues, and contribute to confusion and suffering.

Louise R from Freehold, N.J.

Wow. This is my experience of nine years out. I'm in court at least once a year. He doesn't win but we all lose.

I got physically sick in the marriage and starved for connection. My children were used as pawns. It's terrible to watch and harder to explain. No one can understand how a grown man can behave so selfish and childish.

I was lulled in and have been paying ever since.

Thank you for the article.

Freedomstar from San Luis Obispo

38 years of it. I left on foot, running down the street with my head up reaching

for my freedom from this monster. He controlled all property, checking, savings and my lift. I was not able to leave the house for a lunch with my sisters.

Nuts, he's in the dust.

Bruce from San Francisco, Calif.

It took me 35 years to finally know my wife's a narcissist. I am a 60 year old man who outgrew Asperger's over the decades we've been married.

I always thought that I could maneuver our life to happiness and peace. But neither financial security or early retirement or our Mexico dream house has ever made a difference. Only living far, far, away and only communicating by telephone has made it possible to be in a relationship with her at all. But this is not a marriage, is it? A good friend and spiritual man told me that what I've had is NOT a marriage.

Karissa R. from St. George, Utah

17 years of living with a one sided, it is "all about him... His way or the hi-way" attitude that directed every decision as long as he was around. His job took him away a lot and I could not WAIT for him to be gone just to have some peace. We set boundaries with the marriage and family, but they only applied to everyone else. When he was exposed or confronted, the lies, distraction, excuses and manipulation flew! It was never worth the counseling we went to as he couldn't work the program for more than two days and everything was someone elses fault in his mind and he couldn't be honest with himself, me or the counselor! The apathy and unfairness we suffered by living with him was abusive. He is still a cruel and controlling person. I have never regreted leaving, just not leaving sooner. The control he tried to keep after the divorce was costly and the kids who haven't learned to set firm and proper boundaries with him still suffer. It took FOUR mornings of waking up full of anxiety AFTER he was gone that I finally realized he was not in my immediate life anymore and I could relax. He took me to court every year for four years over issues in which he lost EVERYTIME. It took my new husband to put a legal stop to all that for me. I am now married to a wonderful man and know the difference.

K P from Tulsa, Okla.

After almost 30 years of marriage, 4 children and tirelessly trying to make some one happy, my former walked out claiming he desrved to be happy. I had suspected several times that there was an affair but was too afraid to confront my former. Luckily, I had attorneys who realized the narcissist traits. For years I covered and made excuses for him. Yes, he used the children as pawns and I pray as they mature that they realize what is happening. My faith, family and friends have carried through. Walking on egg shells will affect your physical and mental health. Praying for all that are dealing with this type of person.

Joyce S from Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia

I married a narcissist, completely unaware I was marrying someone just like my dad. Unlike my mum, I fled the marriage two agonizing years later.

When he realized I was not going back - that was when my life became hell. A decade later, he is still seething, and makes my life as difficult as possible - not paying his share of my son's expenses, not respecting visitation times, and worst, constantly criticizing me to my son.

I went into therapy, and learned how to cope. My son also saw a child psychologist, who told me that my ex seemed to have a narcissistic personality disorder.

I read up on it, and realized he fit the description. She told me not to bad mouth my ex. She warned that he would continue to be difficult, but my son would eventually perceive what was right and wrong. My son is now 15 years old, and my bond with him is so much stronger. He sees clearly who really has his best interests at heart. He is not happy with his dad's behavior, and is learning to express himself, and to set healthy boundaries.

Many times, over the years, I wondered whether it would have been easier to have stayed married and in his good books, than to be divorced and have a lifelong enemy. In the end, I am so relieved I left, and that I left early - I would have suffered greatly if I hadn't.

Liz M. from N.J.

It was a marriage therapist who put the label on my ex's behavior. Everything made sense after I researched narcissistic personality disorder.

My only concern was for our son, who was a young child at the time. How could I protect him?

It has not been easy, and it is a battle everyday because his father uses him as a weapon to hurt me. I fight for my son everyday.

Educate yourself and your children on how to protect against NDP and how to develop coping and communication skills in dealing with those who have it.

My ex once placed peroxide in a Mickey Mouse Dixie cup in a place accessible to our son because I told him not to. Our son drank it, and Poison Control had to be accessed. He vomited it right up, and was OK, but I realized that my ex's impulse to defy me was greater than his instinct to protect his own child. Scary stuff.

He tries to harass me in some way every day. It never stops. Our son will be an adult in a few years. I pray every day that he is protected and safe, both physically and emotionally. My ex is devious and manipulative. He has fooled some, but not all. He is now with a good woman who is nice to our son. It took many prayers for God to place her in my son's life. My ex will never leave her because of her title.

Expose your kids to great parents.

Name Withheld from Anytown

I still annually celebrate my freedom from my ex. It took me two years of planning before he moved out, because it was important that he think it was his idea. If he thought it was mine, it would have been WWIII.

Even so, he is constantly abusive, and it drives him crazy that I no longer get riled up or respond. What made me leave was my child's adolescence. I needed to stop modeling dysfunctional relationship behavior.

The problem now is that my ex does the same sort of demanding, demeaning, blaming thing with our child. Our "kid" is now 20, and is trying to set boundaries, and it's not going well. Every visit is miserable, and when my kid asked my ex to be nicer, my ex acted like he was a kicked puppy, whimpering and blaming and shouting. Why in the world would my kid want to sign up for more of that?

It's going to be a long road for my kid. I suspect that eventually they will have no relationship. Oh, and that will be my fault, too.

Emily

I am in the second year post divorce from a long marriage from someone I thought was a serious narcissist (and OCD and perhaps borderline). I recently read "The Sociopath Next Door" and it seems he fits sociopathy more accurately than narcissism. He seems to be without emotion, even the negative ones. It seems he neither suffers from guilt or sadness or even his own pain. It's more like he knows how to "play" the emotion, and not only doesn't he yell or lose control, he has this cold, as if predatory stair sometimes that is chilling.

It was simply always my fault/problem/lack. He is now bent on revenge. Nothing seems like it is off limits, as long as he doesn't get caught. It is rather scary. I had to do a lot of work on myself before I was whole enough to leave, and so far it has paid off for both myself and my children.

My question is, what do you think the difference is between sociopathy and narcissism, and does it even make any difference to know the difference on how I'm learning to cope, live and protect my children?

Nana M. from Amsterdam, Netherlands

In my early twenties, I fell head over the heels for a guy who was unbelievably charming and romantic. It was like a little girl's dream coming true. We got married pretty quickly (after 1 year of dating). The families were a great match and everyone was really happy, until 6 months after the wedding when he suddenly decided that he is not sure if I am lovely, and that he wants to enjoy life and loving himself is more important for him than loving one another.

He even took it to the point that he blamed starving children for their poverty, and had showed zero empathy for any creature other than himself. We saw a couples therapist who told me that my then husband has all the characteristics of a narcissist. He never physically attacked me, but it was like he was stabbing my soul every day, until it was physically not possible for me anymore.

When I filed for a divorce he started crying and telling me that even though he is enough for his happiness he doesn't want to lose me. Needless to say that was our last conversation.

I was reading my diary book of that period couple of days ago, and wondering how I ever let any of that happen. I was never stupid though, he somehow really changed from the beginning to the end of the relationship.

Tom from Woodbury, Minn.

The real tragedy is how the divorce system can be easily manipulated by a narcissist.

At the beginning of my divorce we both took a court ordered MMPI and my ex-wife showed she had narcissistic traits. Yet as the article alludes to, she can be very charming for short periods and presents well as an attractive, educated woman. The various divorce professionals- custody evaluators, parenting time expeditors, guardian ad litems, judges, etc. only have a cursory interaction with each party and are easily swayed by the narcissist.

Given that the entire multi-billion dollar divorce industry thrives on conflict between the two parties, it is easy fodder for the narcissist to use as revenge if they don't care about the child, but they know the other parent does.

Narcissists exist and people will always be taken in by them and marry them. What needs reform is the divorce industry that enables the narcissist and allows them to wreak havoc on the children. An added benefit would be less contentious divorces and better outcomes for divorces for the other 95 percent that don't include a narcissist.

Mara from San Rafael, Calif.

I don't ordinarily put in my two cents on these discussions, but have decided to do so to thank those who have contributed thus far for sharing their stories and to offer whatever support I am able.

My mother is a classic narcissist, and I long ago learned that I needed to stay clear of her to keep my sanity. Then last year, my one sibling ally in this and supposed "best friend" - my sister Jeanne - showed her own true colors by suddenly leaving her husband of 2+ years and their four teen children for my husband's brother, Ted. Ironically, both Jeanne and Ted became intimate friends through their association in a Zen Buddhist community.

The issue for me is not that she is divorcing, or even that she is now in a "relationship" with my brother-in-law, strange as that is. The issue that I and many others have is the self-absorbed manner in which Jeanne went about disengaging herself from her husband and children, accusing her husband of abuse (laughable) and telling her children to their faces that they were no longer her priority.

She was now her 1st priority. And you better believe that is exactly how she is behaving: missing important milestones in the kid's lives, abdicating parental responsibility and wreaking havoc in the lives of all who were once close to her but do not support the "new Jeanne" 100 percent.

It's tragic beyond anything I've witnessed, most especially for the young children.

Patricia from United States

I was married to a covert narcissist for 23 years before I was finally able to break free. I've been divorced for over four years and it was only recently that I learned about the personality disorder and had a name for the hell I had experienced.

He was very charming and sweet when I first met him. I was only 18, in my freshman year of college. He was popular and well-liked by others. We had a turbulent on and off relationship over the four years we dated, but he was so very convincing and persuasive during the on sessions. He ultimately "chose" me with a marriage proposal after graduation.

I didn't have any useful life experience to alert me that I was entangled in a dangerous relationship. Behind closed doors he became a different person. He was a skilled liar, actor and sly cheater - his words and actions were well calculated and convincing, yet left me feeling confused and anxious. He created a desperation and desire - I was lucky to be with him. He often hinted that I could easily be replaced. He shifted blame to me. I worked very hard to please him. He began to drink heavily and was prone to horrific verbally/emotionally charged rages - he threatened and demeaned me - could reduce me to a sobbing heap on the floor without showing any remorse. He publicly taunted me under the guise of just joking.

He truly was a wolf in sheep's clothing.

Rebecca from Danbury, Conn.

Karyl,

This was my marriage (almost 20 years) and recent divorce (less than a year ago). How can courts be more aware of the child custody issues with this personality type? And how do I make sure not to attract this same type of person again? I'm still healing and it is going to take some time but I hope that I'm not on my own entirely forever.

Dahlia from San Francisco, Calif.

When I got together with my now-husband 20 years ago he was separated from the mother of his son. (They were never married.)

As an independent woman who would never home-wreck, I entered the relationship with respect for the mother and tried to do whatever I could to support them having a healthy relationship for the sake of the child.

I knew that ending relationships were painful and made people a little crazy for a while, so I just stood back and encouraged my partner to do whatever it took to make her happy. I didn't know about these high functioning mental illnesses at the time, and 20 years later I see the need for revenge at the cost of the child never ends.

I mourn for the child who I have watched be repeatedly emotionally abused, and as a young adult is still trying to make sense of a mother who has made him feel like he can't do anything with out her and who at the same time makes him feel like she depends on him to take care of her.

I mourn for my husband and for myself as we have lost so much in the years of a war we never wanted. If my younger self knew that it would never improve, I'm not sure what choices I would have made. The only peace i can find is through compassion, even when this woman has dedicated her life to the opposite.

Catherine from Toronto, Canada

I have spent $25,000 in legal fees with absolutely nothing to show for it. No child support, no spousal support. He sees one of our two children for a total of 13.5 hours a week and everyone in our neighborhood thinks he is a great guy. He has been telling people how well the divorce is going and it is - for him. He has done nothing but delay the process and not respond to my lawyer's request for a settlement.

At least I am done with him and I haven't looked back. As bad as the divorce is, it is so much better than living with him.

Melinda

Dr. McBride's first book changed my life. I couldn't wait for this one to come out. I'm in the middle of my divorce now. I don't have anything to add to the conversation except a HUGE thank you to her. This is important work she is writing about and it is changing lives for the better. <3

Steve

I was married 18 years when my wife came home, said she had an affair and I needed to move out immediately so her boyfriend could move in. You tend to have concerns for your 13-year-old daughter at a time like that. It was obvious that her family had profound narcissistic traits but her getting a big promotion triggered it. Lots of anger, lots of score settling: the divorce papers she filed against me complained that my parents, who live nearby, got a dog without my ex-wife's permission.

The one point I would make about divorcing a narcissist has to do with the reliance on mediation. There's now an expectation to have a divorcing couple try to work things out in mediation before any other steps in the process. Mediation is promoted with the idea that the couple in conflict has every reason to try to work things out: if they don't, it means a lengthy and expensive legal battle. But a narcissist only cares about winning: the legal battle isn't a sanction for them. So in my case, mediation meant a year of my ex-wife screaming and cursing, demanding I give up the majority of marital assets in a deal my attorney, who was advising me, would ultimately not approve of, so it was a waste of time and money. Why is there a system like mediation that takes for granted the rationality of all parties when that's just not the case?

Emily S from Harrisonburg, Va.

Will you distinguish between the narcissist and the sociopath? The absolute focus on self, utter lack of empathy, drive to win every exchange, willingness to damage others for one's advantage characterize both. Perhaps the strategies for dealing with both are the same. Thanks.

J.k.s. from Taos, N.M.

I was divorced 21 years ago, after 20 years of marriage. Although my extremely narcissistic ex-husband initiated the divorce, he has never forgiven me for allowing him to divorce me - seriously. He created an alliance with my narcissistic mother and persuaded her to disinherit me. He has tried to alienate my children, less successfully. My sense, after all these years, is that he cannot tolerate separation and his ongoing negative behavior - creating scenes at family gatherings, witholding child support - keeps the relationship alive for him. I would think this separation anxiety is the underpinning of a lot of narcissistic rage. The book I found most helpful during the divorce was "I Hate You -Don't Leave Me".

abused in Cali from sf, Calif.

My son is engaged to a young woman with a narcissistic disorder. She constantly fights with others who disagree with her point of view. Even nice people. She calls her employers narcissistic. That's what tipped me off to her condition.

In her world she is right. Be afraid if you have your own opinion about anything. She will punish you either now or a year later by holding you accountable for withholding your approval or agreement.

My son backs her up and says she has very good reasons for being angry and vindictive. Now I'm worried. How can I have any kind of relationship with my future grandchildren? The war never ends.

Elizabeth from St Matthews

After my storybook courtship and wedding, my marriage immediately became a nightmare. My Ex ensnared me into a life that I look back on with sadness as well as constant fear of what is to come. I was a prisoner. After two pregnancies in two years, I had no choice but to stay and work, hoping tomorrow would make him love me or at least be nice to me.

We lived two separate lives in separate bedrooms for five years. I went to therapy to make sure I wasn't crazy and it saved me.

My small business helped me with the money to file for divorce, but revenge tactics, constant degradation of my reputation and yearly court battles have ruined my life. My bank account drained, my children, family and friends were mentally abused. My Ex took advantage of money that was meant to be savings for college to lawyer up and turn what was supposed to be a mutual divorce to World War 3.

The laws in SC have made the abuser even more dangerous. Women who are often not the bread winner are unable to hire a lawyer to fight.

My children have paid the price. They are now 16 and 17 and each show battle scars. My daughter will be ok because she has escaped to college but even with therapy my son is slowly and painfully being shaped into his borderline, narcissistic Father's image. The nightmare continues...

Beth from New York, N.Y.

This rings very true. I would love to see a follow-up article about navigating the role of step-parent when the biological counterpart is a narcissist.

Emily from eureka, Calif.

I spent over 5 years in family court, and tens of thousands of dollars for my divorce. My boys were used as pawns and still suffer to this day. Family court offered no shelter from the insanity I went through. In order to get a marriage settlement agreement I had to quit my job, close my bank accounts and go into arrears on spousal support. After 10 months without money my ex husband finally cut a deal- no help from family court. My new husband of two years brokered the agreement.

Gerald from Paramus

I was married to a narcissist, with most of the symptoms that are described in this blog. Sadly, she is able to fly under the radar due to her ability to manipulate people and/or the incompetence of third parties who should know better. In her mind, she and she alone knows what is best for our children (and, not coincidentally, that is almost always what is most convenient for her). Because of this, we had an unacceptably long and expensive divorce. She is totally dismissive and disrespectful of anything to say about our children. The unwillingness or inability of the courts and/or mental health professionals to recognize this disorder is nothing short of a scandal. We had a forensic evaluation, and the report did indicate that my ex displayed evidence of this disorder, but nothing ever came of it.

Kate M from Smalltown

I'm a year and a half into a divorce from a narcissist. He cheated with my former best friend (herself a narcissist) for a year. Then he insisted it was my fault because I hadn't addressed ongoing issues in the marriage.

I had suggested therapy: he refused.

He said I nagged about his hobbies: I stopped. Etc. Etc.

Basically, after almost 20 years of marriage, I just gave up and let him do whatever he wanted. Which still wasn't enough, evidently. I'm so happy to be out. But I wonder when it will ever be over.

He refuses to settle monetary disputes because he's "giving me too much money." (He makes three times what I do and I was lucky to find the job that I did after being the at-home parent for years.) He refuses to accept anything but 50/50 custody even though it will mean more hassles for my kids in terms of school travel, friend time, etc. And the time he does get with them, he finds sitters, has his girlfriend and her kids over to entertain them, sleeps in, etc.

He insisted on mediation, which of course cost money for each session, though he had no intention of settling.

Everything has always been someone else's fault (mine, largely) and will continue to be.

What concerns me is that my son often refuses to take responsibility for his actions. He's a great kid, but I worry.

Dr Stuart from Avenutura, Fla.

My partner is not only a narcissist but it is coupled as well with a bi-polar (manic) disorder where when she is episodic. She blames me for her life and calls the police and states she fears me. When they comes out there is nothing wrong, so she claims, and lies about taking meds.

nina c from new york, N.Y.

Easiest thing that I was completely blinded by until recently was his lack of care for the child and how everything has to revolve around himself and not what the other parent needs, or the child needs to having structure early in age.

The affect is not only a broken home for a child to be raised in, but the concern that the child will learn to have a lack of empathy as they grow up and will assume that relationships are based around only one partner's need. It affects the other parent where they become depressed and alone in the relationship. It kills all morals of a relationship when the other partner is not included or given any thought to. This accounts for even a partnership where you have a child but not married and threats they they will take the child away from you. Especially when you are the parent doing all the work and know you will provide a better home for the child to be raised in.

BostonDivorce from Boston, Mass.

I was married for 13 years to a narcissitic man - charming initially, and in a ways that became more sinister over time, controlling and abusive.

I had the help of a therapist and would not have been able to keep myself and my 3 kids together without that. My ex-husband relished a protracted court battle and filed for modifications twice after the divorce was final - both modifications lasting over two years. So divorce was a decade long process costing hundreds of thousands of dollars that should have been spent on my kids' education. The courts, overwhelmed as they are, seem not only unable to prevent needless litigation, they make a great stage for a narcissist to sling hurtful and manipulative remarks which become fodder for attorneys, perpetuating the cycle.

Twenty years later, I am in a happy relationship and my kids are well adjusted young adults, albeit distant, and in the case of one child, fully estranged from their father.

One cannot know how being in a relationship with a narcissist will play out but when abusive patterns become evident, seek help and don't let the narcissist isolate you from friends and family. Narcissists have strong personalities and no one should pretend that they can escape the effects of an abusive relationship without a lot of support - therapists, friends, family - certainly not the courts who are powerless to prevent even the slightest let-up from the narcissist.

Nancy from Washington, D.C.

I've been in Court for 14 years with my ex, he's Appealed 10 times, never wins, but the Courts don't know how to shut him down. He just filed for full custody for my 18 year old daughter, they dismissed it, he Appealed. Really? This is a great book, wish I had read it 14 years ago, the best thing I ever did was get my kids into good therapy as they were collateral damage in his war against me when I left him. We made case law in Washington, D.C., I got full physical and legal custody, that only made him more furious. The money and years spent on this revenge, such a waste. Recently he was found to have voluntarily impoverished himself. You can only move forward and take care of your kids.

Sharon from Miami, Fla.

My mother is a narcissist and 83 now. She doted on my younger sister and gave her a house when she was 15. She also signed an affidavit claiming she had moved to Jamaica, so the school system wouldn't look for her. My job as the 16 yo sister was to get a job and support her. Narcissists frequently have a golden child and a scapegoat. Its only a single example of her many horrible parenting mistakes.

It's sad she is mentally ill and probably learning disabled. She should have been getting treatment instead of having babies. She was a well loved child from a nice family. I am not going to care for this elderly woman (or my sister) because I'm still too angry and she is still too crazy.

K.M. from New York, N.Y.

My brother--my only sibling--is the narcissist, and after our mother died, he carefully engineered the parental alienation of our very elderly father from me in a play for dad's approval, money, and property. It's remarkable to me how much our story parallels those here.

Gerald from Paramus

I was married to someone who, based on the blog, fits the definition of a narcissist. We have 2 kids, and she acts as if she is the only one who cares about meeting their needs and wants. She lies constantly and blatany, but seems to fly under the radar because she "is the mother." Third parties seem to be useless in dealing with the situation because she is very charming and third parties are incompetent and/or on the take. We went through an outrageously long and expensive divorce be use of her manipulative behavior, including a forensic evaluation that identified her as such, but was never used to contain her. She is blatantly dishonest and and ways has something in her bag of tricks.

Helena from Washington D.C.

My aftermath is an alienated child. Her father has made his love conditional upon espousing his world views - one of which is, "Mom is bad, let's get her". It's awful for me, but has been tragic for her. She is an angry, entitled child with little empathy, coping skills, or ability to trust anyone who isn't her father. I keep praying, loving, and adapting. Hopefully, she will grow past some of this.

Melissa

I'm very surprised this book says only 8 percent of men and 5 percent of woman are narcissists! They seem to be everywhere! After 20 years of divorce from a narcissistic man, he is taking me to court to end all alimony and take the what we both own. He has already spent an enormous amount of money, and has had to pay my court costs, but won't settle. It's good to hear that divorcing narcissists want revenge and don't get over a divorce. It took me a very long time to figure this man out. I was in therapy all of my adult life and not one therapist told me I was dealing with a narcissist! I researched and researched until I figured it out on my own, too bad it was way past the point of damaging our son, and at 26 years of age, he is still under his fathers control. I pray everyday that he sees the truth about this man.

kaylee from portland

This article is spot on....with one exception. Narcissists can very easily mislead you into thinking they care about you, your life, your family, etc., at least for a while. They track what you are interested in, what your needs are, where you've been hurt, and can pretend to care very easily. They become what you want and what you need. For anyone involved with a narcissist, good luck and god bless.

Thursday K. from Kingston, N.Y.

This is exactly the validation I was looking for. After 8 years of having it being pounded into my head that I'm the "crazy one", one of those years being spent in the ugliest court battle you could even imagine and continue to go through, my life has moved on. It moved on a year ago. But we'll never be friends again. If we ever were in the first place. And I grieve that illusion that I had. This has been reblogged on my blog. Thank you for your insights. I'm looking forward to the book.

Doug from Pa.

It's interesting to see how quickly we demonize the narcissistic partner, parent, child.

The only way I have found to cope with the controlling negative behavior is to remind myself they they are victims too.

At some point, another disfunctional adult created this negative behavior in a child and thus the problem self perpetuates into a multigenerational behavior disorder.

My search for a resolution has felt endless. And now I worry that this behavior is being passed on from my wife to our children.

After three years in couples therapy we explored everything from 'low self-esteem' to 'Borderline Personaility Disorder'. In each session the anger exploded and blame was assigned to me, our children and eventually, the two separate therapists.

Finally, the therapists gave up and we were cast out on our own again.

Eager to read this book to see if there are any new paths to explore.

Suzy K. from Walla Walla, Wash.

It had never occurred to me that my ex-husband of 28 years would fit this profile--but it was dead right about the scorched earth divorce (culminating in a two-day trial), the never-dying desire to hurt, and the use of his children as a weapon. Then when I think of how everything in our marriage revolved around what he needed or wanted, I was convinced.

Michele from The Villages, Fla.

I am one of 3 daughters. We were raised by an extremely cruel npd mother and a father whose world revolved around her. We were emotionally abandoned orphans. The destruction to us and our normal emotional growth has been devastating. Our mother is now 87 and father 93. We all have decided that no contact with them is necessary for our sanity. Our parents believe everything is our fault, and that they are wonderful parents. It has taken us a lifetime to begin to heal from the trauma. Had we had a father who stood up to her, supported his children even once, who recognized that his children were being abused, we wouldn't have been so alone in our pain. Thank goodness there is now a name and diagnosis for this horrible disorder.

Julie from Virginia Beach, Va.

Wow!! Where was this book when I needed it?

My ex is military and spent every other year out of 7 deployed overseas. While he was gone, I took care of everything 24/7 (like I always had), but when he returns I become the enemy and he attacks. Until it's time for him to focus on his career again.

Most recently, he dragged me back to court to win full custody of our high school son so that he could use the GI Bill to pay for the college tuition and take the monthly payments for living expenses for himself. Then, he told the courts that he couldn't afford to pay child support for the younger child who was staying with me because he had just paid for his step-children's college tuition and wedding.

Out loud, in court, he says, "I'm just trying to provide for my family." Meaning his "new" family.

I was shocked. But, so thankful that the judge pointed out to him that providing for the grown step-children was a "choice" and contributing to the expenses of his minor, biological children was "mandatory."

We have one year to go and I will only communicate with him via email and text. I also always make certain there is another adult with me when I am in public situations where he might approach me.

There is no cure for those who refuse to admit to the illness.

Claire from Australia

Any tips for a daughter living in the same house as a narcissistic mother?

My mother is a narcissist. But I also ended up in a terribly abusive relationship with a covert narcissist -- my ex lived a double life for 10 years. He manipulated, conned, pathologically lied, paychologically and sexually abused, and exploited me and other women. He has zero empathy and no conscience.

It took a long time for therapists to acknowledge my trauma. I have complex PTSD from the longterm abuse. This is a huge problem for victims/survivors.

Lolly from New York, N.Y.

How I wish I had been able to read a book like this 30 years ago. When my two children were very young I realized that my fear of their father and his complete control of me was making me seriously depressed and was harming them. I got a job, went back to therapy and consulted a lawyer rather than just leaving him. When I initiated divorce it was war - his response to me was that I could leave but I had to leave with nothing, including the children. I went through almost 10 years of hell, including two custody battles. I realized that protecting my children was impossible and to minimize the stress I had to agree to joint custody. As they have grown they have been able gradually to see him as he is and to deal with the fallout. I tried to put them in therapy but he resisted it so much that the therapists said they could not treat the children effectively. My advice: plan well, get all the support you can, including therapy for yourself, refrain from engaging the children as your allies while at the same time talking to them about the reality of the situation when necessary, allow them to love the narcissistic parent and take the long view. Getting out allows you to be a better parent and gives you a chance to find a healthy relationship.

Victoria Alexandra Cabrini Luckie from United Kingdom

Extreme self-interest, lack of empathy and manipulation of the truth are pretty good giveaway I have found.

Having grown up in a family with certain people who I believe exhibit traits of NPD (I know they would say the same and worse of me) it is hard to identify and avoid them in life. I have dated a few and have often tended to jump into relationships too early. This has generally occurred because of my craving for a supportive family, natural problem solving ability and a tendency to rescue / care for people often (as in the case of narcissists) to my financial, emotional and physical detriment.

I'm in the process of a mercifully peaceful divorce after a fairly brutal separation (not all his fault) and a marriage that became a disaster (ditto).

As a (basically lone and insufficiently supported financially) parent for the last five and a half years my health and career have definitely been affected to some degree. I have MS which is worsened by emotional stress and many of my family relationships are also dysfunctional, though mercifully not the one with my daughter, as are some of the so-called "support" systems locally / in the UK.

The prospect of finding myself and my child stuck in a relationship with another narcissist terrifies me.

allen K from shelton, Conn.

As a forensic CPA, I see this all too often. It is hard to be an advisor in these situations. Logic, business sense and reasonable compromise are key. It is way too expensive, but as an advisor we sometimes have to go with the flow to get to the end!

Alice from Atlanta

My father is a narcissist and since my parents' divorce, it should be quite clear to those who really know him. This article/traits describe him to a "t". The sad thing, besides all the pain & turmoil he caused/causes, is that he will never improve because he doesn't recognize he has a problem. I wonder how people become narcissists; is it genetic (i.e., they can't help it), or a learned behavior?

Christopher D from CLEVELAND, Ohio

My self-proclaimed role in my beautiful nuclear family was to become the "lightening rod" for my wife's vitriol, drawing it away from our 3 sons. 5 years on since the end of a protracted divorce (in which I went through 4 attorneys to find the right one), I've been sued twice for spurious reasons and my sons have become entirely estranged from me. Eventually, as they grown into manhood, I only hope that they see their Mother's self-centered drama for what it is.

Lucy A. from Nyc, N.Y.

My experience is - at the very least - atypical; while the narcissist in my family is definitely my mother, my brother & I are in our 30s and our parents have been married for 40 (approx.) years. Unfortunately, my mother has become more and more insufferable over the years and things are now approaching the breaking point. Due to my severe bipolar, I have no choice but to live with my parents. My father has basically given up; he refuses to get involved by never using his hearing aids at home, rendering him functionally deaf. As a result, the constant warfare rages on without his participation. It's just exhausting. My mother acts as if... she's not a bad person; she's just unbelievably selfish and self-centered. She seems to really believe that her narcissism isn't pathology but just her just entitlement.

Maureen H from Chicago, Ill.

Does the narcissist who was left in a first, brief marriage ever recover, even if no children were involved?

I am still very hurt by a relationship with a narcissist who I knew my entire life because our parents are best friends from high school, so we grew up together. His family has 6 boys and one girl, so growing up I tended to hang around with his sister.

I spent many years with this family, am close to his dad who I call my uncle, and am friends with his sister still.

I never knew him well as kids, but we connected on Facebook 4 years ago. I found him charming, attractive over 2 years we emailed.

He learned I was the victim of a financial crime, came over in Jan '13. We both were attracted to each other and the conversation was comfortable.

I dated him 6 months, then learned he'd lied & had a girlfriend of 3 years. I'd met her once. She told me he was a narcissist. I agreed when he never showed recourse for hurting me.

He left a week after telling me he looked forward to spending more time with me.

I asked him about the GF. He got angry, blamed me. I never saw him again. He kept calling, making plans then cancelling. I got fed up and it ended badly. 2 yrs have passed, yet I recently started missing him.

How can I convince myself he is bad for me? I never got closure.

Eileen from New Zealand

My daughter is I s relationship with a narcissist. She now has four children 3 under 3 and has no contact with me or anyone in our family as he has turned her completely against us. She lives in the same city and it would be easy for myself and her sister to visit and be a family. He gradually pulled her away and now we have no contact at all. This is very difficult as I had a lovely relationship with my granddaughter who is now eight and I have had no contact with the baby twins now 8 months old. I have read a lot about this and he ticks every box. It is as if they have just disappeared and even though I know they are there I can't see them which leaves me in a strange state of grief or loss. I only pray that the best thing I can do is be there when she does need me- if she ever wakes up. This was a young woman with her life ahead of her and now In this place with no friends or family raising these children on her own As well as meeting his demanding childish needs! I really can't believe it sometimes but the harsh reality is that I have lost my daughter and grand children to this monster of a man.

Lou from Honalulu, Hawaii

I'm finally out......thrown out which made it easier for me - not once has he attempted to apologize but this was the last straw for me - living with my mum & three children (almost adults anyway) which is not easy but he has stripped me of all money & pays minimal child support - he is dragging out the sale of our home & until it is sold I cannot move.

This has been extremely difficult for all of my family but there's nothing I can do but try to find work - I hope he doesn't drag this on for years as we are only losing money (he is probably secretly working) - I hope time heals as this has been the hardest thing, divorcing a narcissist, that I have ever done.

Ted B. from Mill Valley, Calif.

I was initially attracted to my ex-wife's "sharp" and sassy personality. I wanted to be with a woman who was independent. Unfortunately, what I thought was self-sufficient sass was really a lack of empathy, and meanness. It took me 20 years to figure that out.

Natalie from Schaumburg, Ill.

I was very briefly engaged to someone who showed these traits. I knew he was bipolar, but the crazy really came out after we were engaged. He wanted me to stop talking to my family, give up my pets, move far a way and live in a trailer his parents were going to buy for him. He tried to control every aspect of my life and was critical of every choice I made and condescending in regards to anything that he didn't believe in. After I broke up with him, he went nuts and sent some very inappropriate e-mails to family. I'm just glad I never married him because if there was anything legal involved it would have been a complete nightmare. I wish the best to anyone who has to deal with someone like this, because in my experience, it is impossible to get through to them.

D. C. from Pittsburgh, Pa.

I was married to a narcissist who was also a divorce attorney. Lucky for me, she was the one who initiated the divorce, because she had been cheating, lying about it, and wanted to be with him instead of me. After she refused marriage counseling, I eventually I came to my senses and realized that divorce was a blessing in disguise. She still tried to put all blame on me and went bonkers when she found out I hired my own attorney, appalled as to why I would not take legal advice from her.

I first found out about NPD when my therapist mentioned it after I described to him the circumstances of my marriage/divorce. After looking up NPD and its symptoms, I realized my ex-wife fit the mold perfectly, and it was then that I realized I had never once heard her utter the words "I'm sorry". She thought she was always right, could never admit that she was wrong, and could never offer a genuine apology - even for the littlest things. And just as explained by Karyl, I was blind to the red flags until the divorce because she seduced me into thinking she was the best thing that ever happened to me.

Thank goodness I got out when I did. I hope others can too. Now I am seeing a close friend going through a nearly identical marriage with a narcissistic wife, but doesn't know it. What can you do in this situation?

I Survived

What narcissistic traits did I see? Give me a list and I'll check them all off. My ex may have been the King of NPD. After he informed me we were divorcing, I befriended his ex. That was so therapeutic - to learn it was more his pattern and less about me. They are so good at turning blame for any of a number of things on their chosen "victim." He led me to believe I was worthless (despite all the adoration he gave me in the beginning of our relationship). He ended our childless marriage after 2.5 yrs but here I am 1+ yrs later and still having to deal with on-going court matters. I just don't understand why he's still dragging the separation of property out with me while he has already remarried and has had a child with the new wife??? A blessing to be out but so frustrating that it drags on....

Janneke from Netherlands

I was not marries to one, but I dated one for 5 years. It harmed me more then I can express. You can see he is a narcissist, in my opinion, if the person can not relate to your emotions and will never take responsibility for his actions. He could easily blame his cheating on me. He could also hit me and it was my fault. Also he took advantage of my goodness in too many ways. He also thought he was so special that no one could relate to him. But it was a relationship with extreme highs and lows. This can turn in to normal for you. But it's not! If you are in this kind of relationship, get out! Even though he stalked me for 3 years, I'm so glad I ended it! And he stalked me, I think, because he couldnt accept that I walked away after controlling me for so long. Please, you are worth much more, get out! You will feel so free!

Kher from Cornwall, Conn.

My first narcissist was my father who was divorced by my mother and fed me poison about her to the end. Then he cut me out of his will saying in it to go get the settlement money from my mother as my share.

Bimajo from Montclair

I could never get an answer, just a blank stare, to the question I often asked my husband: "Why do you treat me like I'm the least important thing in your life?" Turns out I was. But it took me a long time—35 years—to realize it. I thought maybe he was autistic or something. An affair with his secretary was the final blow. As soon as he was caught I became the enemy. Our kids were grown. Mediation would have saved us both a lot of money, but he had to fight me in court. The judge saw through him and awarded me ample support. I have little to do with him except when I need some paperwork or the return of belongings I couldn't find when I moved out and he refuses to send it. She can have him. My therapist told me he was a narcissist. I had no idea what that really meant. He was very difficult and I had to watch every word because he misinterpreted just about everything I said to him. Right now I have no interest in another relationship. My kids are very disappointed with their father.

Lorraine from Wash.

I was a recent, youngish widow with an 11year old daughter when a narcissist got hold of me. I married within 5 months. I trusted the judgment of several mutual friends. On the honeymoon there was emotional abuse that escalated for the whole 6 year marriage. Within a year, there was physical abuse that escalated to a very serious point over the six years. He discredited me behind my back, and it was a very serious divorce with two convictions of protection order violations and jail time for him. He still denied everything and was supported by a judge, law enforcement, his lawyer, family, and to some extent, my good ol' boy lawyer! Oh, yes, I am still paying for it.

My hair was falling out, my strength was gone, my teeth were falling out and I had allergies to many things and I took ibuprophen everyday just to handle constant pain.

I now have my hair back, no dental problems, no allergies, and I can run, lift, have fun again. People don't even recognize me, I look so much better! I thank God that we did not have a child!!!!!

JLee from Denver, Colo.

I have been in the throes of this for 3 yrs. I have completely lost faith in our legal system & the attorneys who work in it. To know a narcissist takes time with a family & a deeper understanding of how individual family systems are forever being manipulated - two things judges & attorneys completely lack. Instead charm, duplicity & money wins, and those of us who have done our best to shelter our children are left to fend for ourselves in a perpetual cycle of trauma. Politicians make the laws. Lawyers manipulate the laws. Two fields where narcissists are bred. Does your book explore which professions tend to have the highest number of narcissists?

I Can't Any More from Seattle

I am unmarried (engaged with no date or plans of getting married) but have a 1.5 year old with a narcissist. He constantly threatens to have a long court battle with me if I ever try to leave and has documented every fight we have ever had in the past. He never apologizes (unless I demand one) he can do no wrong and he is always the victim no one can do enough for him... I feel I am stuck and I needed to buy this book like yesterday (or 2 years ago)

Sara from Dekalb

I think my husband is borderline if there is such a thing! I did the unthinkable, I cheated!! I was so tired of being the one that has to resolve everything. My emotional cup didn't ever get filled. We fight for the same things and it takes forever to resolve because he can never accept or apologize. Always there is an excuse why he doesn't do this or this or that. When he found out, it was horrible for a while but, he decided to forgive me; we are still together, but he is back to his normal self! I'm going to stay for the sake of the kids. But, I see it day in, day out. I have my kids for now, I just do things w them and have my inner life! Will see, it makes for a lonely life.

Milly from New Zealand

I have just separated from my Narcissist husband after 20 years. I am an empath, the worst match for one, as my personality is "I can fix that", if can just make you happy, if I can just love you enough, if I can show you how to be happy.. if if if. I knew all his foibles fairly quickly, I am a smart person who could spot his issues, but I thought, I can fix that. I wanted to leave for the kids, it was horrible for them a lot of the time. They were the cards I was dealt when I didn't play ball. I didn't know the name for him was Narcissist. He doesn't want to be a Narcissist, he just is. Most narcissists are 'made' by a parent who is also one. I still cant tell if my husband really loved me or was just obsessed with me. When I broke one of his Narcissist controls i.e. controlling me by aggression (by my telling him if it happened again we would have to divorce), he left and switched to someone else. The link below gives a fascinating insight into their minds and also into my mind and why we fatally stayed together for 20 years. Interestingly, mine is pushing for a very fast settlement, so he can have a replacement me without guilt. Good luck all of you. Just know its not you and it's not them, they don't choose to be like that, they were made like that.

I cried and cried when a friend sent me this. It was us in nut shell. I sent it to him and he emailed back to say he cried as well and was sorry. 2 hours later he emailed to say - i'm not really like that....

//www.elephantjournal.com/2015/06/the-toxic-attraction-between-an-empath-a-narcissist/

Barb M. from Ann Arbor, Mich.

My father was a narcissist in an age when divorce was scandalous for a Roman Catholic woman so my mother suffered his behavior until he died. My sister and I kept hoping mom would divorce him. It's hard to hear that even if she had divorced him, we wouldn't have been 'rid' of him. My mom used so much energy making his world ok that we children didn't get enough attention. I have so much compassion for her (and myself!) now that I see the reality of who my dad was.

Narcissism is a terrible, traumatic experience in a family. My father would punish my mom for 'wrongdoing' (touching off his rage with little mistakes) by taking away things she enjoyed. This was one of his lesser abuses. It took me years to see the harm it had done to me as well. I'm 58 and still figuring out some aspects.

I've worked with a few narcissist professional colleagues and it took a while to see how they were harming my well-being. Growing up with a narcissist makes it easy to get fooled because it feels so familiar. I hope those who are struggling with the question of divorce will find the best resources they need to get out for the sake of themselves and any children they have.

Maria George from Puebla, Mexico

At first he seemed funny I thought "he's so smart to behave in that way" but then I realize those are real thoughts about himself. Relationship was broken, nobody wants to imagine their life being a permanent no. 1 fan of some other person, devoid of affective intimacy with his partner.

Wendy from Jacksonville

Well, I am divorcing a narcissist who hits and kicks (me out of bed) and has spat upon me and thrown water in my face (in a restaurant). So... after 23 years and one evening when I was afraid he would return home (after he left in a huff and was punishing me for expressing my dismay for the disrespectful way he and my son were treating me as we organized for an ordinary outing,) I said to myself I've had enough.

Here is the key to everything--hire an attorney who understands who he/she is dealing with and, fortunately, mine does.

Pray for me--I am fighting for a jointly owned business that is founded on my skills, expertise and hard work while his failed businesses took him down emotionally and psychically (lower than he already was) and took us down financially.

My son is doing unbelievably well. So loving and supportive to me. Somehow I managed to raise an amazingly compassionate child. It is my mission to make sure he won't become the kind of man who treats others with the disregard and disrespect his father does. To the extent I can influence that but that seems to be a lot! I am forever hopeful. I already have used my experience to help others and plan to continue in that mission. We can break the cycle of abuse if we talk about it.

Paula T from Brooklyn, N.Y.

It was only after I broke up with my son's father that he was the classic Narcissist. Everything had to be his way, he blamed me for everything that went against (his) grain - the world really did revolve around him! Besides trying to make me feel inadequate, it was the twisted logic he used to try and justify why he was right about everything.

The last straw was when I had a Girls night out and didn't tell him, when I came home, I was treated like a child that disobeyed an unspoken rule, and when I resisted, he slapped me. That was five years ago. To this day, it was "my" fault that he slapped me because I wouldn't listen to his reasoning.

Anne B.

Oh my goodness, while reading this article my jaw hit the floor as it described my husband's ex to a "T"! She is currently taking us back to court to obtain more custody (it's currently a 60/40 split due to my husband's job) and first right of refusal so the kids cannot be with me, my husband's family, or my family while he is not home (although it's ok for her family to watch the kids anytime she likes). How do we get the court to see her narcissistic behavior?? She is putting the kids through so much more than they should ever have to deal with.

Dorothy

I was married to a narcissist for over twenty years. I became a doormat, giving in to whatever he wanted, putting up with his affairs and playing the perfect hostess so that he could succeed in his profession. Once he was a success, he dumped me and his children for a trophy wife.

It turned out to be the best day of our lives. Sure he sued me every 2 months for a couple of years, but once he discovered he had to pay child support, I never heard from him again. He refused to see his children and has never even sent them a Christmas card. We've all had lots of therapy and are grateful he's not in our lives.

Grateful Mom from Orlando, Fla.

I divorced a narcissist after a fourteen year marriage and two year legal battle. I convinced my attorney to make a big deal about wanting half of my ex's business so that I could get full custody of the kids. It worked because my ex thought he "won" when the business stayed in tact and I got the kids to emotional safety. It's 10 years after now and we (the kids and I) are still healing but doing well and moving on. The kids know how to disagree in a healthy way now and we laugh -- a lot! We no longer walk on egg shells. Everything described in this article is something we lived. What wasn't described here is the constant belittling, disdain and brute emotional abuse. I am so grateful now that his affairs with younger women finally became so public that I couldn't ignore them any more and finally was pushed into action. Life can be good and it is! It took a LONG time to regain my self confidence and stop apologizing for everything I said and did but my old personality is finally coming back and I feel whole again. The kids are getting stronger every day and are even able to deal with him in a healthy way although they still have pain and self doubt now and them. Getting out of the marriage was the best thing I could do and I am grateful I was able to do it.

T from Ala.

I divorced a narcissist 8 years ago. I remarried 5 years ago. I made sure not to marry a narcissist again. Everything your article said is true for me. The court cost, wow. I helped build a very successful business and through dragging the divorce out and the mind games, etc. I came out with much less than I was entitled to. He is a multi- millionaire and I struggle to cover expenses.

You feel charmed and loved when the reality is the money spent on you he looks at as a reflection of who he is. It never had anything to do with you.

tanja from louisville, Ky.

OMG, this describes so much my divorce. My ex put a restraint order on me the day he realized I had discovered he was living a double life with a Spanish woman for whom he had a apartment the last 6 years of our marriage. He tried to scare me into accepting a divorce decree where I would give up the children and would not have any rights to our assets. My children were still very young and he tried so hard to jeopardize their well-being because he knew that would hurt me the most. He is a law professor and yet would not pay child support, refused to use the college funds for their college education, was an intermittent father. Tried very hard to destroy me. It was a nightmare. The kids are grown now and are doing ok. But the scars are there.

teresa from toronto, Canada

I'm still suffering from my ex. He never got over the fact that I left. It cost me a fortune in the courts and with counsellors etc. I've been going through this for close to 14 years and I have come to the realization that I'll never be rid of him until I'm dead. I got sole custody, and encouraged the kids to see their dad. My daughter hates him as he continued to put me down and my son moved in with him and hasn't talked to me for two years. I feel the system has failed me. T

Annie from Indianapolis, Ind.

Everything my husband does is for his benefit. Even when he does something nice for me, there is usually an audience for him so he looks like a great guy. He played golf the day we brought our 1st child home when she was born. He waited 3 weeks to go see his mother when she broke her hip. Our adult children all got jobs before graduation and moved far away right after college because he was constantly critical of them. Even now he wants to know what they earn. What their rent is, etc. all i can do is coach them to set boudaries, be the adult, and understand that when throws a fit that is all about him, not them. The calmer they are, the angrier he gets. Yet most people outside the family think he is 'charming and so nice.' They are masters of deception. The key is watching how they are around your family when dating - do they want to engage with them or do they subtly pull you away and into their world? I didn't recognize the signs 30 years ago, but looking back they were flashing neon signs. Fear of the absolute financial retaliation keeps me from seeking a divorce.

Sage from Riverside, Calif.

Have you ever heard of a narcissist requesting a three party (as in threesome) relationship in lieu of divorce that is carried on in full knowledge of the children?

Marlena from Santa Fe, N.M.

I divorced my narcissistic ex-husband when he grew physically violent with me. Leaving was the scariest thing I have ever done. We had three children together. Since the divorce 7 years ago, he has twice sued me for custody of the children. The courts always see that he engages in parental alienation, brainwashing the children against me and my new husband. I continue to have custody of my children and would be distraught if he were to succeed. I am so very fortunate to be remarried to a wonderfully kind, patient and loving man. My ex has taken him to court, with an order of protection, falsely claiming that my current husband abuses my children. Nothing could be further from the truth. We are so lucky that the law guardians and judges have seen the truth thus far and have always ruled in our favor. He has damaged my children's psyches. They are not emotionally healthy. It is sad and I feel powerless to affect any change. His wages are now garnished to pay child support and he is slowly paying thousands of dollars of my legal fees. I'm hoping the financial repercussions will prevent him from initiating further litigation but I'm not holding my breath. He presents with all of the diagnostic criteria for narcissistic personality disorder. There are no words to adequately describe or capture what it has been like to live with and to attempt to divorce and live apart from this monster.

Granny from Winston-Salem, N.C.

My son is a narcissist and has caused great emotional harm to his children by not accepting the end of his marriage. He stalls on the divorce proceedings and would do almost anything to exact revenge on his estranged wife. Sadly, he is incapable of admitting or seeking help for this disorder. I weep for my grandchildren.

Annie from Indianapolis, Ind.

My widowed fathet married a narcissist and it created such pain for his adult children for many years. In the last days of his life she put him out of the house he helped buy for her. Best thing to happen! We had him back for a few days and a lot of healing occurred. Our mistake in the beginning was trying to keep the peace rather than setting strong boundaries. I wonder if we had set those boundaries from the start she might have thought we were too much trouble and moved on before marrying him. She charmed a lonely man and convinced him to get engaged after only 6 months of dating.

d from nj, N.J.

Thank you for acknowledging this! I divorced my narcissist & it was horrific. Nothing - including his gray hair & the job he was fired from - is ever his fault. It is *always* my fault. I was valuable as long as I told him how much I appreciated him, how great he was. Even then I was 'ridiculous,' 'worthless,' 'no one could love me but him.' But when I divorced him, I became "Evil." It doesn't take two to fight, at least in divorce court. Anyone can file a motion, & the court almost always hears it. He took me to court over & over, & is still taking me, 8 years *after*. Though he always 'loses,' he likes the attention & his feeling of importance there. Also he likes the feeling of power that he has more money than I. Since he likes any attention from me, even if negative, I try to be as neutral as possible. He tried to get full custody of our 5 kids (I was a stay-at-home mom!) but when they objected, he became very abusive toward two of them. In the process of the divorce (2 years in court), this all came out, & eventually he lost physical custody of 3 of them. It's deeply affected his relationship with all of them & sadly he has no relationship with any now. As for me--Post-divorce support of narcissist children/spouses would be helpful too. We have a lot to recover form.

john

My wife works for one. That situation would have broader interest.

Anna from St. Catharines, Canada

I need to get this book. I left my ex-husband of 17 years 15 years ago. I supported him through 3 degrees, edited every paper and thesis he wrote and moved with him across the country for his career. At the end of our marriage I was struggling with post-partum depression after the birth of my daughter, and everything was still about him, his career,what I was supposed to do to make him happy and I walked away with nothing because I was tired of fighting and I knew that if I fought him for more the kids would suffer. Instead I have struggled financially, digging a deep hole of debt as a single mom putting myself though University while he lives a very prosperous comfortable life. He has always been a good father and provider but as the kids got older they both have struggled with his control issues and having to be always right. Sadly I have taught them that to win an argument with him they have to be prepared beforehand. Despite making around $130k as a Professor my son put himself through college and now my daughter is starting University (she gets free tuition) and he is expecting her to pay for everything else as well. I left with nothing for my freedom, but now I wish I had fought for more so I could be of more financial help to my kids. I don't talk to him anymore because it is impossible.

Pepa S. from Santa Fe, N.M.

After reading this article, I am concerned. I went through a 25 marriage that ended in the divorce you describe. I started dating someone that could be described as on the narcissist spectrum. He is a good father but not as giving as a partner. Is there a profile that attracts narcissists? Please help. I do not want to make the same mistake.

MR from Newport Beach

Explains a lot. Thank you.

Jack's Ma from Somewhere, United States

The moment I knew it was time to leave was when I read "Room" by Emma Donoghue and identified with Jack's portrayal of Ma. Leaving is hard, but staying is death.

MP

I dated a guy in college for 2 years that was without a doubt a narcissist. He put on quite a show at first until I was hooked. Then it all went down hill from there. I was already 8 hours away from my family and he slowly cut off my communication to anyone from home. He made me think I was absolutely crazy and it was my fault for upsetting him. I can not count the times that we would be out in public and he would smile while whispering the most hateful things. To our friends he was perfect but they had no idea what went on behind closed doors. He often mortified me in public to strangers, told me I was a slut if I talked to any other male -- and told me he would call the police if any called me and would report them for sexual harrassment.... the list goes on and on. I finally transferred schools to get away from him. When I left, even my roommates were shocked I am married with 2 kids and am happy. But it took some counseling once I got home. I was told that I had a very similar emotions and ptsd from rape victims (not to take away from any one who hasbeen raped.. I cant imagine). I also do not speak his name. EVER. I feel for anyone that has to actually divorce a narcissist. Truly. I can think of nothing worse.

Sheila from New York, N.Y.

I think another critical component of the narcissist is that they often portray themselves as a victim who is being persecuted by you. It gets very confusing for the partner/family member because there is often a delusional system of projection going on. So they act simply awful, you stick up for yourself and suddenly, they are accusing YOU of being a horrible person and they are victimized. It can be very topsy-turvey and crazy making.

Mary from Cambridge

After reading I'm so glad and relieved he postponed the wedding and we ended up never getting married! Phew! If I can see the narcissist pattern in many of his actions - during the relationship and the break up.

He is never wrong, and I was always the one who misunderstood. He never changed plans, and I was the one who didn't comply with the agreements.

It took me courage to put a stop on that, and I still find myself taking the blame and shame for not making it work. But after reading this article I feel so much better!

Thank you!

Ann Bradley from Palo Alto, Calif.

I had no idea I was married to a narcissist. It wasn't until the divorce that all the characteristics began to appear. "I'll grind you into the ground until you are gone." was his mantra. He hired the pit bull attorney to go after me too - "I'll hit her over the head with a 2x4" He took all my money and refused to help pay for food for our child. It was hell and at that time (2001) there was only one website on narcissism and divorce. I had to learn strategy on my own. Reporting his lawyer to the bar was the foremost empowering tactic. It allowed me to recoup and we won at trial, they appealed, and I wrote the winning brief on appeal and won there also. I turned this trauma into post traumatic growth - with a book, a website (the second one on the internet on narcissism) and many years of coaching people through high conflict divorce. 10 years of that and I mainly do a tech blog now but the site is still there and I always do a shout out of encouragement when people write in. Plan your exit quietly, learn your rights, find out what therapists/courts like to hear, get coached, and it will bring hope which brings strength. You are then heading back to the world of normal.

Sandy from manteca, Calif.

My husband who I've been separated for 7 months, he verbally abused me he always talked down to me and he would make it as though he was perfect. He blamed me for the breakup of our 27 year marriage and he can never be wrong, he is perfect. When you try to challenge him he will get angry and upset to prove he is right and you can't get a word in.

ESC from Chicago, Ill.

It's been five years since I pulled the plug on my 11 yrs of emotional roller coaster ride from hell. When I finally divorced, I had no idea that I was married to a narcissist/sociopath but knew I had to leave for the sake of preserving whatever was left of my own sanity. The gas-lighting that occurred was so severe as was the ignorance. When he would ignore me for hours and days it would put me into a frenzy. I was at a point of not knowing if I was literally 'coming or going'. I was in crisis mode due to the constant stress and gaslighting he bestowed. As I was getting ready to file paperwork, my ex had a stroke. He was 40 years old. I was naïve to his apparent personality disorder when the stroke took place. I found the courage and the energy to get my husband to the proper caretakers to receive appropriate cognitive and physical therapy. Because I was managing so many different initiatives, I started to give way and I sought out my own therapy. The neuropsych never labeled my Ex as a narcissist or a sociopath however she did explain to me effects of a stroke. You take what you know of a sociopath or a narcissist and put them on "steroids" and you have someone who now has truly lost empathy forever however, he has never lost his 'freedom to choose' how he treats people! He's aware and it's quite frightening!

Jen from Ladera ranch, Algeria

This is astonishing. I feel like you're talking about my life. My ex left me after 16 years of marriage for a friend of ours. I was pregnant with out only son. He is now 6. He ruined his relationship with our daughters, 18 and 19 years old. He files petition after petition keeping me in court. He treats me like I ruined his life. I try to distance myself but he won't go away. I feel so defeated.

Anonymous from Kansas City, Mo.

My father has been diagnosed with NPD. When my parents divorced, my father became delusional. He thought he was on the same level as celebrities and that perhaps he would even get invited to their dinner parties.

Later on, after this unique style of thinking matured, he became emotionally damaging to not just my mother, but to me. As a pre-teen, he told me my mother was abusive and had various mental disorders. He told me she could not love me, but not to worry because he could. He told this to school officials and therapists. Because NPD people have the ability to be so charming, they can warp reality, shifting it until it too becomes a broken mirror for their reflection.

It's taken me years of therapy to try to find myself after feeling like his reflection for so long. I still feel like I don't exist.

Tom from Frederick, Md.

It's been a living hell to get out of a 10-year partnership. I've been with a man whom I adored and was seduced because of his charms, good looks, and intelligence. Once I started thinking for myself and for my own needs, the relationship soured. I've made it abundantly clear that I want out and to get out from under joint property, it's his way or no way. Brinkmanship at its best. Fortunately I have a wise attorney. I must leave for my emotional health; cash may become secondary.

Sharon from Shaker Heights

My husband is more of a "vulnerable narcissist" - he presents as meek and nerdy, but is extremely controlling, rigid, lacks empathy, and twists reality to preserve his defenses and self-image. I have a serious illness and he has displayed extreme hostility in the face of my vulnerability. With his child he focus on how she might reflect well on him, such as by learning a foreign language at age 3. He does not consider sacrifices that might be in her or other's best interest. In his head, he twists things so that his own interest is everyone else's interest too. I had always planned to use a remaining frozen embryo from IVF, and he is using that now for leverage to gain personally in a divorce. It's awful. A relationship counselor with experience treating couples with narcissistic vulneratbilities told me it was hopeless and he was never going to change. I fear negotiating a divorce with someone who twists reality so much in his head to preserve his self-image. He cannot acknowledge I am a wonderful mother, or even offer minor praise of all that I do to take care of my child. I cannot forgive him for being so cold and calculating about the remaining embryos. It is an awful situation and it requires a lot of mental strength to flourish despite this constant underminer and emotional vampire in one's life.

Kaylx from Ohio

The system is broken.

' We need more education for professionals in the divorce field so that the custody evaluators and family law people and therapists know what they're dealing with. They also can be seduced by the narcissist.'

8yrs and the end is still pending. I am a survivor, enveloped in a 'classic' case of abuse; invisible in the house of justice.

'I am a Phoenix rising from the fire'

i stand in disbelief of the ignorance. I forgave myself for my own Long ago. I didn't realized it was so deeply infused in our cultural paradigms. It may be irreparable. I am frozen at the thought of making better the system that almost destroyed me. Instead I look for that which has carried me through. For it is in this light I cultivate forgiveness and inspiration.

Respect,humility, honor, perseverance, sacrifice, bravery, generosity, fortitude, compassion, wisdom, love and truth; therein lies justice.

'Forgiveness is the fragrance the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it'

Mark Twain

Käri from Minneapolis, Minn.

Thank you so much for writing about this. This IS REAL!! I have been divorced from someone with NPD for 6 years. It's actually worse now than it was when I finally got the courage to leave him.

Everything, I mean everything, is my fault. He is always the victim. I'm even blamed in court documents for him having to move in with his girlfriend! I get lengthy nasty emails and texts on a regular basis from him telling me how horrible of a person I am. It's laughable. Everything he blames me for is actually what he is doing. I don't ever respond.

Best defense is to ignore the narc in your life as much as humanly possible. If you have kids like I do, love them and be the good example. Take care of yourself and know you are not alone. Again this is real. I swore that I wished my ex had just beaten me with his fist. It would have been much easier to get past than the psychological warfare that he has waged against me that seemingly will never end.

Every trait described in this book describes my ex to a T. I never thought I would have been duped by someone like this, much less have 2 kids with the psycho.

The legal system needs more training with behavior disorders. I was fortunate to find s lawyer with a lot of training and how to handle it in court.

Angela from Tex.

I cannot believe that I just opened up this article, RIGHT after coming home from my kids' court ordered PhD session with their dad, and his first time to be able to speak to my daughter he told her he's "buying her a pony, a puppy, and a hermit crab"...when he quit his 6 figure job right after I filed for divorce 3 years ago, hasn't paid child support EVER, and doesn't have a job!!! This is the "OMG, Angela you were correct in this diagnosis all along" moment, and I'm buying the book TOMORROW!! I am $160,000 into getting away from his "ways" and attempting to get him to stop using our kids as pawns in his revenge against me for divorcing him, and we aren't done yet! And that's after 3 1/2 years!!!

Doris from St.Lawrence, N.Y.

I'm married to a narcissist. But I believe that he is also a sociopath.

Not sure if they go hand in hand with one another.

He has isolated me for much of my life. I've disowned most if not all of my family a long time ago. Notice I say that "I" disowned them. His spiel is that I can have any type of relationship with family that I want. But no one knows the hell that he will make my life if I do. I would have to endure constant badgering all under the giuse of him just wanting to know and be involved. It was never him causing the stress it was always just him reacting to everyone else's bad behavior. Never violent, that's what makes it so hard. I've been in this hell for over 30 years. Our daughter now 26 years old, cannot be around him. She's gone through therapy and is on a better path now. If one good thing can be noted about this situation my daughter has turned out to be a warrior against such behaviors. It's been too long. I want a life for me now.

DIL from Grand Rapids, Mich.

My mother-in-law is a narcissist. She has difficulty empathizing with another person's point of view, she is always right, has full out temper tantrums if you don't do want she wants, gains information to manipulate others to her advantage. She says hurtful things about others in front of them without apology. Her way of apologizing is to buy you off with a big check for your birthday or Christmas. Husband says that is the way she is and to ignore her. I say it just allows her to perpetually behave this way, like a spoiled child, without consequence. How do you divorce your mother-in-law without divorcing your husband??

Former Pastor's Wife

Both my father and my ex-husband are a particularly exasperating kind of narcissist. They are both religious and in the helping professions. Many people see them as humanitarians who put others first when in reality their helping is purely self interested. They are both remarkably "special" in their own minds. Many people are susceptible to following narcissists because they can be charismatic. Fortunately for me my divorce was not terribly ugly because my ex wanted nothing more than to appear generous in light of a failed marriage which was all my fault (of course) and nothing he would ever agree to as a religious man. I have come to have great compassion for these two wounded men in my life who have challenged me to know who I am in spite of their blame and lack of support. They suffer so much more than I do in missing our on real intimacy and deep human connection. Narcissism is a very sad disorder and one that seems impossible to influence.

LB from United States

I am the daughter of divorced parents - one with narcissistic personality disorder (mother - the one who initiated the divorce). My mother dragged my father through the courts for nearly 15 years at any expense - ultimately resulting in my brother and I limiting our relationship with her because it was so unbelievably painful. She would annihilate any person who opposed her (including her children - she couldn't stand any independence or opposition to her point of views).

Many people do not understand that dealing with a narcissist is not like dealing with a "normal" human being who has some semblance of empathy. This article nails it. And as a child who has suffered through a divorce with a mother with narcissistic personality disorder, I am grateful for this blatant explanation to the masses.

Josie J from Vancouver, Wash.

I was married for eighteen years to a man I believe to be a narcissist. Although he also exhibits traits of bipolar, the more research I do, the more I think it could be a narcissistic wound. I'm not ruling out that he's experiencing each of these psychological phenomena. What strikes me is his insistence on his innocence. His favorite catch phrase, 'I didn't do anything wrong!' just eats away at my soul. Every instance where I reacted to something he did, even just to say he'd hurt my feelings, he turned it against me in some way. I was twisted so deeply that I couldn't see the forest for the trees. Once he went away on a 'guys' weekend which I arranged because he did so little self care. When he returned I mentioned that I was surprised by it, but didn't want to ignore the fact that it hurt my feelings not to hear from him at all even to say when he'd be back. He accused me of attacking him, picked a major fight, threatened to leave, and six hours later, finally came to bed. I had no idea what hit me. It is simply exhausting. That was mild considering how often he's disappeared for days just to shut me up.

TV from My.P, S.C.

The "red flags" are spot on and the "date for an extended time" are also true. I also had my own issues with self worth and I felt lucky to be with "this guy." All I can say is we were married 6 months after dating for 7 years and I am so thankful that we didn't have kids together! I learned a lot about that relationship!

B.G. from Boston, Mass.

Try getting divorced from a narcissistic divorce lawyer! I couldn't take it anymore (after 20 years of marriage). He didn't understand why I wouldn't agree to him having a "second family" with his 19 year-old secretary. He envisioned me being "like a grandmother" to his new children. Sorry, no sale.

Although he rarely paid child support or anything else we had agreed upon in the divorce, he dragged me to court whenever my lawyer filed a motion to get what my kids were entitled to. It was financial and legal abuse and the judges seemed blind to it.

It cost me at least one hundred thousand dollars for legal representation and the fight over jointly owned marital assets went on for about eight years. Of course he represented himself so he never had to worry about legal fees. The stress from it all had a deleterious effect on my health.

My sons were teenagers when we divorced and have learned about their father's narcissism through their own dealings with him. They keep their distance, never rely on him for anything and have no expectations because they know he will never live up to them.

The 19 year old secretary is now 37, he's 63, they have four kids, he is no longer allowed to practice law and they are in very bad financial shape. My life is wonderful and my sons and their families love me. Getting rid of my NPD husband was like giving myself a gift. Now he's someone else's problem. Karma, folks!

Yvonne W. from auburn

My judge completely believes everything his attorney says and she does nothing but lie. The judge declared us divorced a year ago without dividing assets. He is on house arrest, with ankle monitor and has to ask permission from federal probation officer to leave until a trial in September, he spent 3 1/2 months in jail over this past Christmas because of a DUI at that time just had ankle monitor and I am forced to send my boys to his house. The entire world is being protected but I need to send my 12, 9 year olds to his house. He has destroyed my credit, our home is in foreclosure, lost our business and what he hasn't ruined he has manipulated so there is nothing left that can be traced. I am year 4 with this and it's a constant roller coaster. His agenda now is to get full custody so that his sentence might be lightened with the fed charges. He constantly "sets" me up by rewriting history, manipulating the truth and lying. Our judge has ignored the recommendation of the GAL (who quit in July), the psychologist and the truth. When I lived in the home I was videoed, bugged and everything I did was monitored, the boys now have to live 5 days every two weeks in that, and the Judge has given him final say in education and extra curricular. It's a nightmare and my guess is it won't end soon...

john from europe

The article and interview are frighteningly accurate. Even more frightening to me was how absolutely ignorant courts in Europe I went through were of these textbook cases of NPD. (the patterns, modus operandi and symptoms are very consistent, it's almost mechanical).

It's like they don't want to learn. The lack of curiosity, awareness and dare I say intellectual ability of entire professions that have real decision power and impact on people's lives (judges, lawyers, child protective services) remain baffling.

I endured it all: NPD, parental alienation syndrome, medea complex, you name it. Even though the union lasted only 5 years, the court cases lasted almost twice as long. I am (almost) out of the tunnel, but my children are stuck in it another few years. Sadly, while this particularly case was extreme, millions of children are affected by an NPD parent.

My hope is that 20 or 30 years from now, we will wonder how these egregious cases could even happen the way we now wonder how we ever put up with cigarettes in airplanes...

Karen M from Salt Lake City

I was married to a narcissist and it seemed like all I did was go to court!

He controlled me when we were married and tried to after the divorce. They are habitual liars and they always have a friend or contact that can get you a great deal on things. They lie and cheat to everyone. I have both a son and an ex-husband with this personality and my son recently got divorced and it is like re-living my divorce all over again. He uses his daughter as a pawn against his wife and also me. He tries to control my life by saying I can't have any communication with his ex-wife or any other ex's he has had in his life. My ex promised my son anything he wanted if he would come and live with him when he was 13 and my son took the bate. Then he proceeded to poison my son's head with telling him how awful I was. This caused my son to send letters back unopened to me and to call me by my first name. This went on for years! To this day my son says I am irritating and always goes running to his father for money. That is another thing that these kind of people have is money because they really know how to cheat people and win confidences of others with their charm!

chris from madison, Wis.

This was (actually, IS) my sister's life. It's been 10 years since her divorce from Mr. Narcissist, and he still drags her into court for more money. Not only does HE not understand (or care) that child support is for the CHILD, but the court system is letting him use the system to "punish" my sister, every few months, for "daring" to divorce this abusive sociopath.

Decision makers in the family courts need to look real hard for the parent who is NOT creating conflict for the child, and who, through their ACTIONS, puts the child first!

They need to read this book.

Kent B. from Torrington, Conn.

I grew up with a Narcissistic Mother (likely also a sociopath). I watched her destroy her marriage to my father, and then turn on me, my brother and sister. She still lives in the 6000 sq. foot mansion she loves so much, filled with antiques she values more than the relationships with her immediate family. It took me almost 50 years to realize what was wrong. Knowing is empowering, but our family is forever destroyed.

Maureen P. from New York, N.Y.

Oh, my! This sounds just like my divorce. He said it should last five years and did everything he could to make sure it did. The only reason that I am not still emotionally tortured by him is that he died five years after the divorce was final. He was so nice to people outside our home, they had a hard time understanding that he was emotionally abusive to my children and me. And, yes, I started the divorce, because I could not longer tolerate the emotional abuse to my children.

Cheryl from Sacramento, Calif.

I'm dating someone who divorced a narcissist. He has spent a great deal of time and effort working through the trauma and is personally in a good place, but I have a sense that because they have children together, this will continue to be a part of his life - and mine - if we get more serious. Any words of wisdom?

Marian from Eau Claire, Wis.

I had a controlling father, so when I met the narcissist who I would later marry I thought that's how relationships were supposed to be.

Everything was someone else's fault, never his. Fortunately, when I was at a point where he was about to ruin me financially as well as emotionally, my best friend took me by the ear and lovingly but firmly told me I had to end this.

Once I showed him that he couldn't manipulate me any longer, the divorce went fairly smoothly (no kids were involved). I'm now living a life beyond my wildest dreams, and I no longer need a relationship to be happy. Surround yourself with the good people in your life; they will get you through this.

Marian from Eau Claire, Wis.

I had a controlling father, so when I met the narcissist who I would later marry I thought that's how relationships were supposed to be. Everything was someone else's fault, never his. Fortunately, when I was at a point where he was about to ruin me financially as well as emotionally, my best friend took me by the ear and lovingly but firmly told me I had to end this. Once I showed him that he couldn't manipulate me any longer, the divorce went fairly smoothly (no kids were involved). I'm now living a life beyond my wildest dreams, and I no longer need a relationship to be happy. Surround yourself with the good people in your life; they will get you through this.

Rosie Red from Belfast, Me.

Describes my marriage & divorce exactly. Therapists told me my ex was a narcissist. Everything had to be his way & he had to control everything. We all had to be perfect: smart and attractive. We never knew when a rage would erupt. Even though he and I met at an elite school & I was considered beautiful, he called me stupid & a fat pig (before, during and after marriage). When I first tried to leave, he threatened to get sole custody because I was crazy because I saw a therapist. 10 years later I saw how my kids were cowed by him, and this time I made a plan before leaving. 4 years of terrible stupid litigation damaged the kids. He blamed ME for wasting all that money on lawyers. He threatened to have my 18 year old son removed from a plane for taking spring break in Florida without his approval. His new wife threatened my kids and me on her employer's equipment, which led to her firing. I had them restrained from involvement with the kids' medical treatment because of their interference. My friends were were sure I was exaggerating and were sick of hearing about it. One true friend stuck by me.

My daughter blames me for not telling her WHY I divorced him. How can I tell her without criticizing her father, which is taboo? How do I teach her not to tolerate bad behavior from a man if I don't tell her?

jampa from Boulder, Colo.

My father was a narcissist and it was horrible growing up with him and even as an adult. He was controlling, everything revolved around him. No one's feelings counted but his. He constantly blamed everyone else for his problems. Didn't hesitate to make 'scenes' in public. I once asked my mother why she didn't leave him, but she never answered me. Probably was scared. He would intimidate us by uncontrolled yelling. If our opinion differed from him, one couldn't express it because he would yell and intimidate. Run as fast as you can from a narcissist!! Get out of there now!

Maddie K. from Chicago, Ill.

Thank God for acknowledgment of this particular divorce horror experience! After 12 years, two custody trials, lawyers, guardians ad listem, foreclosure and bankruptcy, I still live daily with this nightmare. My boys have been deeply traumatized and our lives made hell with continual legal threats.

The kicker? He left me for his mistress because by being a 'stay at home mom' (I gave up my work as a college professor), I wasn't contributing to the marriage financially. The icing on top is that his best friend is a lawyer and works for him for free. I still cry for what my boys have endured (therapy, anxiety prescriptions) but am also amazed by their resilience. They are good students, loving, empathetic and kind -- the antithesis of their father.

If you find yourself in this kind of divorce, don't give into despair. Rely on the support of friends and family. Draw on therapists and every resource you have. You and your children can endure, you can survive. In 6 more years, when my youngest turns 18, I can cut my ex out of my life forever. The sad thing is that my boys plan to do the same.

Steve from Pa.

I was married to a narcissist with a borderline personality disorder, the divorce was a lengthy exercise in crazy and expensive dramatics. Now I am married to a wonderful caring woman so I have experience with the difference. My advice to spot a narcissist is if the person is incapable of apologizing or accepting responsibility for errors or problems run away! Stay away from dramatic victims.

Texan from Corpus Christi, Tex.

I'm separated from one of those. He promised so many things that nothing was true. The thing now is that I don't let him dominate me. He has had a hard time doing it. I fight back but fight carefully. He is a horrible person. He has done so many bad things to me, not physically though.

Can I tell him he's a narcissist?

S. Feldman from Seattle, Wash.

My in-laws are divorcing, and my mother-in-law is a narcissist. My husband is her favorite. I see her turning him against his dad, dragging her (three adult) kids into it, and it breaks my heart. My husband is in therapy, and he's done a lot of work. I'm really proud of him, but he has a hard time seeing past his mom's...stuff.

She has at times completely made up things. I constantly ask, "how does she know that? Have you talked to your father?" And that helps, but anything more and I'm told I just don't understand the situation.

His parents have been separated for 20 years. His dad is a wonderful person, he and my husband really get along when they're together, but that happens far less when mother-in-law calls with terrible (untrue) tales of victimhood, and he can't see through it. (I believe because it's been happening for so long).

Any suggestions for how I can help support my husband in this? Script/language to use? Boundary suggestions? (I don't see her often and I do put up a lot of boundaries around her myself.)

vince from SARASOTA, Fla.

I was married 40 years - yep 40 - before I got tired of cleaning, cooking, grocery shopping, bill paying - you name it. She even used my money and spent none of hers although she was a high-salaried individual as well.

Five years later and thousands of dollars poorer, I am free. Yes, 5 years!

To this day, everything written in this article describes her. I asked for her to change to our relationship and she couldn't do it. Sad. She used the grandkids to keep me away for years and I loved them dearly. That finally ended thanks to my lovely daughter who saw through it all.

To this day, though, my ex still harasses me in a subtle way that no one else would ever imagine or notice because she is so good at hiding it.

I am trying to go on with a life that is now amicable with a lovely wife from a childhood relationship. I can't tell you what a difference I feel. I hope I live several more years to enjoy it! Sad thing is, my ex can't understand it regardless of her education level. She can't move on.

Christine Adams, MD ChristineAdamsMD.org from Louisville, Ky.

In a divorce from a narcissistic person false claims of Parental Alienation often occur. The narcissistic person will claim his or her spouse is alienating the children when this is not the case. This is yet another ploy the narcissist uses to be vindictive against the spouse who is initiating the divorce. These allegations greatly confuse the court system as judges are unable to evaluate these psychological issues and tell who is making things up from who is telling the truth.

As a child psychiatrist, I know that children are caught up in these narcissistic projections and they suffer greatly as a result. They become very confused by their narcissistic parent's shenanigans.

Anna from Calif.

If you're at the stage where you're able to pick up a book about having a narcissistic partner and realize that it's about you, and that you have options (albeit messy ones), you're in a good place.

It may not seem like it, but you are, and you can take some comfort in that, so long as you actually pick up the book! My mother has been married to my narcissistic/sociopathic father for 42 years.

He's taken everything from her, both financially and emotionally. Most importantly, he's taken away her ability to see that she is being abused, and that she can live without him. She no longer sees his behavior as abusive; in fact, she doesn't even see herself as consequential enough to be abused.

Even if she did begin to rebuild her sense of self worth, he's destroyed her credit and made her financially dependent on him -she couldn't leave even if she wanted to. Ironically, though one of her major reservations about divorcing him when I was young was my happiness, her decision to stay with him has all but ruined our relationship.

So, to make a long story short, if you're in a relationship with someone far toward the narcissistic side of the spectrum, pick up that book and take it to heart. The divorce might be ugly, but the alternative is almost always uglier, and at some point the window of opportunity will close.

Karen from Park Ridge, N.J.

I went out with one for 12 years off and on. When it was just the two of us it was pretty great, but you see I had a degree in psychology, so that really helped me navigate the waters of narcissism. On top of it though, he was also an alcoholic!

I really saw the height of it when a friend of his would die and it would be all about him and not sadness for the person who died or their family.

He would pick fights with me for no reason and I'm not a fighter. Also when I needed him to be there emotionally for me it was impossible, I saw that no matter how much he "cared" for me, it was just out of character for him and nothing was going to change.

Of course being this type of person fueled his alcoholism, because it was always "poor me." I was always the one being hurt and when I finally had enough and said I won't let him hurt me anymore, not physically or emotionally, I ended it.

It takes two to make a relationship. They can not grasp this concept.

Tim from NYC, N.Y.

What causes narcissism?

William from Denver, Colo.

I supported my spouse emotionally and financially for years, through graduate school as she earned her PhD. I left a job I loved to move across the country so she could pursue one of the limited professional options available to her.

I found out this spring that she had been carrying on a two year affair during her extended overseas "research" trips, including in my son's presence.

Through the whole aftermath of the revelation, she has not once owned up to the wrongness of what she has done, shown empathy or compassion or even answered the question "How would you feel if this happened to you?"

My son, whom I ache for each and every day, more than for myself, has indicated a clear desire to stay with me. His mother is constantly posting pictures of her with him to social media, but as far as spending quality time with him goes, she seems to prefer Twitter and her cell phone even in his presence. Twitter is crack cocaine for people with narcissistic personality disorder.

The Disneyland quote in the author's interview rang very true. It is sickening.

I am not free of her, not for a long time, and I look forward to reading this book. We have tried therapy, after the fact, but joint therapy is useless precisely because they don't judge, and also because like any psychopath, she is an extremely skilled liar.

Trust at your own risk. I know I may never be able to trust again.

Leanna M. from East Coast

I have been in conflict with my father since my high school years. At first, I believed him that I was the cause for conflict, mainly due to my being young and not knowing much about life. I was constantly talked down to.

When I left for college I was told my only reason for going was to find a husband and that I'd likely have to move home for a few years after college. I would get terrible e-mails from him while I was at school telling me not to come home if i didn't respect him more (which really meant I was to listen to his lectures on his perspectives about life - think of a preacher without the details of the Bible but replaced with spirituality of solely my father's visions).

Needless to say, I didn't move back home and did not marry anyone I met in college (and waited for my late 20's before settling down). I have two young children and have ceased communication with my father once I realized he was going to treat them just the same, if only for less time and control than he had on me. I am now enemy no. 1 and he continues to tell me how much my sons need him in their lives (not how much he misses them!). It's a hard road to cut off someone who is supposed to be important, but I was out of options.

Polly from Mountain View, Calif.

My ex-husband was everything the author described about a narcissist's personality as well as physically and emotionally abusive. What stopped him dragging me to court for money he owed me was for me to represent myself in court. Our case didn't appear on the schedule so we had to wait to be last. He was paying his attorney hundreds of dollars an hour, while I was only paying a parking meter. He got ordered to pay me the money. Even he could see the folly in that and he has left me alone ever since. Unfortunately, he continues to bully our children and his new wife. As hard as it was, leaving him was the sanest decision I ever made.

Rebecca from Staten Island, N.Y.

I've been separated for four years and divorced for two. My ex-husband regularly texts me long abusive messages about why everything that is going poorly in his life is my fault. This morning was my son's middle school orientation. My ex slept through his alarms and says it's my fault he didn't wake up because even though he knew about this orientation, I only texted him the address last night. I look forward to my children growing up so I don't have to coordinate anything with him anymore.

Mary from New York, N.Y.

I cannot thank all these writers enough for telling their stories about dealing with people with this disorder. I was married for 20 years to one who was also medicated for a bipolar disorder. Yes, I agree that perhaps there's a certain component in me that draws me to these types of men, so in a sense, I sort of have to catch myself, frequently. I have never remarried, I think, partly because I'm afraid of doing the same thing over again. (The definition of insanity?)

But, despite all this, I am feeling a great sense of comradery with all of you.

Ronnie Blackmore from San Francisco

Funny. It seems like only women are replying here. It can work both ways, right?

My wife is all about what she wants. She is a very sweet person, but it is all about her.

Example: "What do you want for dinner?" I laugh because no matter what I suggest she won't like it. I just wait for her to decide, and I agree.

Tim from Salt Lake City, Utah

This article hit all of the points I lived with for several years before getting a divorce. To this day (decades later) I am still the cause of all of her problems. I am sharing a few things I learned the hard way.

For those who are in a relationship and not married: get to know your partner's friends, and I mean know them. I found out later my ex-wife's friends were not really friends, just people to use. In hindsight I met these individuals, but did not spend enough time to connect. How does it feel to be around your partner's friends? Are these people your partner hangs out with? Do you want to hang out with them (so-called "birds of a feather")? His/her friends may give some insight to the real person.

If you are married and suspect you are up against a self-centered disorder one test is to suggest marriage counseling. I pushed for it (after years of not being good enough or doing enough and just plain not enough no matter what). We found a "neutral" therapist through our minister. After the first session I felt it was wonderful, her comment "that was awful" and therapy was like dragging a bag rocks to each session (as the author noted, narcissists fear therapy like the plague).

If you are married with children, it will be very challenging - probably more so than you can imagine - but not addressing it could be more devastating.

Long married from West Coast

I am certain that my late mother was on the high end of the spectrum for Narcissistic Personality Disorder. As a mother she was an abusive soul killer. One of my sisters married a remarkably narcissistic man who dragged out their messy divorce, in a way meant to inflict maximum hurt. Another sister is still married to a man of that ilk. My own husband is alarmingly short on empathy, which worries me.

I think these unhealthy relationship patterns run in families - children of narcissists have low expectations for "normal." On the other hand, another sister married an emotionally-giving softy of a fellow, but she is the withholding, manipulative narcissist in that family. She is my mother redux!

carol

There is a whole other aspect to this.

My narcissistic husband wanted to divorce me (after 30 years and via an email) because I was no longer playing along with his ideal self image. He needed a fan club and I was no longer a member. He left after finding someone who was. It was an easy divorce - he was so ashamed of himself that I made out on the financial end.

Laurie from West Hartford

I just got done reading an email from my narcissistic ex-husband. I really thought (silly me) that his abuse would stop once we were divorced - but instead, it only serves to give him more opportunity to be narcissistic.

My kids (14 and 11) are so tired of it - their first answer to any question relating to spending more than the required time with him - is a flat "NO."

If you are dating a narcissist - even someone with just a tiny bit of narcissism, run now - as fast as you can. It is exhausting and never, never, never ends.

43&pregnant from Los Angeles, Calif.

My husband hears things in our conversations which I don't say. The conversation spins out of control and he becomes hostile. Once I figure out what the "misinterpretation" is, i try to restate and empathize with the upset he has experienced. Upon attempting to right the ship he demands an apology, and starts accusing me of lying, being defensive, controlling, condescending, playing games, being manipulative. etc. Eventually he storms off and nothing gets resolved.

He comes back around a few days later and it is as if it never happened. Almost all arguments are centered around a mis-heard statements. The only fix is an apology for things I haven't said, tones I haven't used and intentions that are so far from my personality and habits that I am left speechless, frustrated and very sad.

I am thinking it is time to get out (8months into our marriage) and I am 10 weeks pregnant. I don't even know if this is narcissistic personality disorder, but it is insane. I knew it going in, but I never believed this was how he really felt and this is my fault for getting this involved. Would like to know if this sounds like N.P.D. or something else?

Kara from Brooklyn

My current boyfriend is a narcissist. In all of the time we've been together, our relationship has been conducted in a way that better serves his needs and if I try to ask for what I want or need, it consistently turns into an argument where I become the bad guy for asking. The argument becomes the main focus and what I asked for gets side barred until the need arises again...it's a viscous and painful cycle.

The Manhattan twin from NYC, N.Y.

Yeah? Well, what if it's your twin who's the narcissist? I've seen the posts here, and some say it's their mother or their daughter. But what if it's your twin? Then you have Cain and Abel, a cautionary tale about sibling tension to the max.

My twin has no use for me, as I stopped being the loyal cheerleader to all his/her personal goals which is to say that it was all about them all the time. Now that I am living my own life and no longer trusted to be the yes person for whatever they say or do, it's like I injured them.

Pull away, and you injure them. It's a threat. It's a betrayal. So I want to affirm that everything is supposed to be on their terms, and if not, you will have problems of their making. Be fairly warned!

Marvin from Honolulu, Hawaii

The analysis is flawed. It assumes a one party view of relationships. As Murray Bowen, a systems theorist and therapist pointed out a long time ago, people who are attracted to narcissists also have personality problems. In other words, if you married a narcissist you have a personality disorder, too.

One of the best selling books on this topic is about "the borderline-narcissist couple." Custody evaluators are fully aware that many high conflict divorces involve parties with personality disorders.

Diana A. from Brooklyn, N.Y.

This is a discussion of sociopaths, not narcissists. I understand why the author wanted the word narcissist in her title rather than sociopath, but a careful reading on both these personality disorders clearly shows that the primary traits she describes - inability to feel empathy or take responsibility for one's actions - are sociopathy rather than narcissism.

Sociopaths are NOT usually violent; they need control. I hope she makes this clear in her book.

Jade P. from Oakland, Calif.

I divorced a narcissist over twenty years ago after only four years of marriage.

I left him when my son was only two years old, because I realized that my son would be harmed if he grew up in his father's household. My ex-husband never got over the fact that I left him and made a scene at his son's wedding - making him look bad and causing him to blame me once again for his bad behaviors.

When my son was in grade school I moved far away from his father and surrounded him with as many positive male role models as I could find - music teachers, coaches, chess teachers and others. I also taught him to look for the good side in difficult people. My son found a good wife and finds his relationship with his father difficult.

The divorce was prolonged and years after the divorce was final, this man dragged me into court on a pretext, forged papers, perjured himself, and tried to extract tens of thousands of dollars from me. This did not endear himself to my son. The courts were not at all skillful in any way with respect to my efforts to provide my son with the childhood he needed.

DivorceChicagoStyle from Chicago, Ill.

My case in Cook County, Ill. could be the poster child for this issue. I have gone through two 20 day trials (practically unheard of in family law), one Illinois Appellate court decision and have a second one pending. I have tried to settle, mediate and negotiate. He can't let go. He is a partner in an international law firm and knows how to use the courts.

Judges need education and to apply the "common sense" standard: Is it reasonable to spend a millions dollars to get a small reduction in my alimony? Of course not. My settlement offers are always better for him than the court's decisions, but he relishes in the battle. I will go to court every day of the week as long as he pays my legal fees. His goal is to litigate until there is no more money left. He told me this as the beginning of the divorce.

I cope by writing a blog and living the best life I can. I am happy. Plus I no longer have to live with him and endure his anger and rage. That is his new partner's problem. And my grown children's.

Kay from Minneapolis, Minn.

I am dealing with a narcissistic sister who wields a lot of financial power in our family. I am looking for any insights.

chris from Columbus, Ohio

Oh how correct the author is about the courts! I lost my children to a narcissist.

My ex wife charged me with any and all evil a father could do to his sons. Twenty two years later, she still is after revenge. I would not wish this on anybody. The experience left me with PTSD.

Anne

My college-aged daughter just forwarded this to me and all I can say is "wow." The tiny excerpt certainly nails it.

I eventually realized my husband (now ex) had a personality disorder but didn't realize the narcissism until therapy. Now, two years after the fact, he continues to try to drag me back into expensive legal battles over petty bs.

I accepted minimal support so he wouldn't come after my kids, and I can't afford to fight him. The latest battle has convinced me I have to fight back HARD or it will never end. We gave in to him to keep the peace when he was home. Now my daughters and I are learning how not to to that in future relationships and in dealing with him.

The hardest part - now and before - is that there is no reasoning with his skewed reality. He is extremely articulate and intelligent and people are seduced, only to realize later that his stories don't add up.

"Won't I ever be free of you?" has been my heartache for the last month!

Mara from San Francisco, Calif.

I dated someone who was like this. In the beginning he was wonderful - smart, handsome, funny and really seemed to care about me. We got serious pretty quickly and I really thought I would marry him. Then one night he flipped on me for talking to a guy at a bar when he (my boyfriend) was in the restroom. He walked right past me and out the front door without saying a word or acknowledging me.

That was where the punishments began. Any slight, real or imagined lead to humiliation, calling me horrible names and threats. When in public he was still Prince Charming and my friends and family adored him. I did leave him although it was difficult. He's now married with a child and I really feel for his family.

Rachel from Nashville, Tenn.

My partner is intensely selfish, highly manipulative (in ways that are hard to prove), passive aggressive, excessively hostile, hell-bent on being right and uses intimidation and emotional bullying (again, subtle and hard to really prove) in order to get his way or diminish or demean me.

Jane Doe from Memphis, Tenn.

My partner gets very full of rage whenever I disagree and then punishes me by taking away things that I really want. He won't acknowledge me when I talk - he looks the other way or gives me the silent treatment. I stare at my plate at dinner and never make eye contact. I used to be happy, but now I'm just sad and scared.

sad mother from Boston, Mass.

One of my children is a narcissist, and the pain is unending. I remember when she was little, noticing she showed no compassion when anyone else cried or was in pain. It has never changed, but is now more marked by far. And there is no divorcing your child.

You cannot imagine the pain of knowing the precious baby you raised has zero empathy for you or anyone else. Someone has taught my daughter to ask "How are you?" when she appears at our house, which is only when she wants money. But you can see the utter lack of interest in any response.

Even her elderly father's debilitating illness brings nothing but a few words discounting its seriousness. There is no cure for this and no hope she will ever be there for any of us when we need help.

With DBT, narcissists can be taught the right words to say, but no one can teach them to care. Their brains aren't built that way.

Anne from Bluffton, S.C.

It causes tremendous levels of conflict since every issue is his issue or his to determine. This causes me to withdraw and become silent.

When it comes to raising my daughter, his desires comes first again! Every parent knows the responsibility of raising a child and the art of sacrifice on a daily basis. It is a joy to do it because you want the best for your child. I think a narcissist sees the child as an object or possession existing only when it is convenient for him. The relationship with the child worsens as time goes by and saddens.

It is the realization that the father is not a loving and emotionally available to her. (No doubt he loves her on some level.)

He does not want to participate in family events because he works so hard and no one "gets it." There's always a distance between him and others.

Amy R from Washington, D.C.

I'm in a bitter court battle now with a my ex-husband who shows a lot of narcissistic traits. He's trying to block our daughter from attending a magnet school that's somewhat inconvenient for him and just a wee bit less prestigious than the school he would like her to attend. She's passionate about the school he doesn't want. I am faced with the awful choice of putting my teen daughter through a traumatic court battle or forcing her to attend a school she doesn't want to in order to make him happy.

Am I teaching her to give in to the person who makes the biggest fuss over something if I do that? He's made it about the school; neutral observers say the schools are roughly equal; and the mediators we've been to say go with the school that the kid's passionate about. It's a challenging STEM program, btw.

Is this really just all about him? How do you fight it? He tells our daughter he's doing this "for her own good."

I Am Afraid That I Am Not Good Enough for My Partner. I Am Holding Him Back.

Source: https://www.nytimes.com/interactive/projects/well/book-club/will-i-ever-be-free-of-you/is-my-partner-a-narcissist

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